Things I Don't Understand - Number Eleven - Change

I don’t understand change.

Don’t get me wrong here. Change as a means of improvement, I’m fine with. Without it, we wouldn’t have things like safer cars, improved rights for minorities, better health care, and the Internet. And yes, it does bring undesirable things too, but I can understand the roots of those, even if I don’t like them much.

I can also understand change as variety, something to spice up life, because every day being the same can be totally, mind-numbingly, boring. I can cope with this kind of change, as long as it doesn’t happen too much, too often, and I can go back to my ‘normal’ afterwards.

But change simply for change’s sake, that’s the one I don’t understand.

Take for instance when supermarkets switch items round in their aisles, so that what was once in Aisle Seven, is now who knows where, because for sure you don’t. Or when manufacturers change the packaging of their products, so you can’t even recognise them. Or worst of all, they actually stop making your favourite of some product, for no reason at all that you can figure out.

Then there are things like the fashion industry, which constantly changes its ‘look’, so that even if you do find a style that fits and you look not-too-bad in, next year it’ll be gone, and something uncomfortable and unflattering will take its place. Not to mention that they use crappy fabrics, and charge outrageous prices, and that some of their designs would make you a laughing stock if you actually wore them in the street. And don’t get me even started on POCKETS. We’re conned into thinking this absurdity is good, people make movies, TV programs and even write books about it, it’s become normalised, and largely unquestioned.

A lot of it seems to be about money – if this product isn’t making them a squillion of profits, they toss it and make something else. Never mind if lots of people are quite happy with the existing one. Or supermarkets, department stores, etc, will rearrange their floors because they want to put more ‘high-value’ (ie, more profitable) stuff where people will see it and impulse buy. And fashion, of course, is definitely about money, especially at women’s expense, as we’re the ones being the most badly conned (or forced, for lack of alternatives) into buying their products.  The ethos seems to be ‘make people buy more, make more money, make more money, make more money...’ We’re all in thrall to the Great God Profit.

Politicians seem fond of this kind of change too. Maybe they just like to be seen to be ‘doing something’, even if it’s endless tinkering what should be left alone. We in New Zealand have seen a fair bit of this over the past few decades, especially in regards to things like our health and education systems. Politicians wanted to ‘leave their stamp’ on the country, and they have, not always to good effect.

My feeling is always, why can’t people leave well enough alone? If something ain’t broke, don’t fix it, is my philosophy. This constant change-for-change’s-sake seems to be very much a modern thing, a function of late-stage capitalism perhaps. We now have ‘planned obsolescence’ rather than quality, ‘trends’ rather than a search for perfection, ‘the latest gadget’ rather than the best tool for the job. Change has stopped being about improvement or variety, and become an end in itself, an out-of-control spiral, meant only to further enrich those who have way too much already. This is a big part of what makes the world seem to get crazier every year.

Political analysis aside, I’m sure many NTs feel bugged by much of the above too. But the autistic reaction to this sort of change goes beyond irritation. It can mean very real distress. The world to us is a chaotic place, and we rely on a lot of little things to provide anchors or islands of calm in the swirling mess. If the tinned tomatoes aren’t in Aisle Seven, if our favourite shampoo is discontinued, if we can’t find clothes we like, it feels like the bottom has dropped out of our world. Our anchors are gone, and we’re drifting out to sea in a storm. Our little islands have disappeared, and we’re free-falling into the abyss.

When this happens, our thinking can spiral into what I call catastrophising, where one little thing triggers a chain of thoughts that invariably end in a disaster scenario. No tinned tomatoes – we can’t eat tonight, we’ll go hungry, we’ll starve, be found dead on our kitchen floor. No shampoo – we’ll have to use something that induces sensory overload and meltdowns, or we’ll never be able to wash our hair again, will end up dirty and smelly, lose our jobs, become homeless... No new clothes – we’ll end up dressed in rags or butt-naked, unable to set foot outside our front door, our lives falling apart… You get the picture. Sometimes, we’re able to find a solution, or others help us find one, but we go through the emotional wringer on the way to it.

I’m not saying that the world has to be organised around us. I am saying that other people need to understand that if we get upset about some ‘little thing’ having changed, we’re not ‘making a fuss about nothing’. It’s very real, and very horrible. This world is hard enough for autistics. Please, don’t make it worse.

So yeah, I don’t understand change for change’s sake. And I think I’m not alone.

Things I Don't Understand - Number Five

Lately, I often find myself walking past young people in the street, or at the supermarket, mall, etc, who have their cellphone turned up loud, playing music, sometimes with earbuds in but often not. The resulting music – which is generally some kind of rap or the latest shallow pop sensation - is tinny, jangly and decidedly irritating. I know they probably don’t care what damage it’s doing to their hearing (young people don’t generally worry about that sort of thing), but I’m mystified as to why they have it playing at all, in those environments. It’s not like you can get the full effect of the music through the tiny speaker of a cellphone. Plus it’s often at least half-drowned out by the clamour of other street or background noise, supermarket or mall muzak, etc, etc. So what’s the point? Is it a sort of subtle adolescent bragging or showing off, advertising that they’ve got a cellphone? (Though pretty much everyone over twelve does, these days.) Are they so addicted to their favourite music they’ve got to have it playing 24/7, no matter what else is going on? Is a trendy thing? Am I turning into an old fogey? Or is it perhaps an NT thing, of wanting/liking noise all the time? I’m puzzled – not to mention overloaded by the aural onslaught.

It’s not that I dislike music, because I certainly don’t. (Well, some anyway. I don’t like rap, or most of those shallow Latest Sensation singers, which I admit doesn’t help. But that’s not my main point.) I simply prefer to listen to it in peace at home, with no other distractions, and through decent sized speakers, so I can get the full effect, and full enjoyment. It’s a private, relaxation thing, not a ‘let’s play rap all day long while we hang out at the mall’ thing.

I can’t help wondering if it’s somehow similar to another NT phenomenon I’ve noticed over the years, and that is people’s holiday habits. In NZ, it’s long been the traditional summer-holiday thing to load up the car and trot off to some beachside campground, squeezing in their tent or caravan or motor home next to dozens of others doing the same thing. Or they rent a holiday home (a “bach”, in Kiwispeak), with only slightly more room, also in some popular seaside place. It’s always mystified me. These are people who live cheek-by-jowl in the cities and main towns, surrounded by crowds every day – so what do they do for their summer break? Go somewhere they are even more cheek-by-jowl with other people!! You’d think they’d want some solitude, some peace and quiet, but no.

It’s not that I don’t understand that NTs don’t receive the full sensory onslaught we do, that they can somehow filter a lot of it out. I also understand that they are generally far more socially-inclined, or at least able to tolerate the constant company of others more easily. But even so… surely they must occasionally want something a bit more restful? Or at least a temporary absence or lessening of noise/people? A beach with no-one else around, a walk down the street with no over-the-top racket, a stroll through the majestic hush of our native forests, with only birdsong for company? Perhaps some do, and I just don’t notice them. Or perhaps it’s just the young people who like the noise and clamour, so their parents take them to these places. But then many parents seem to like these kinds of environments too…

I’m confused. And overwhelmed. And wondering if I’ll ever understand NTs.

Be Kind to Yourself This Christmas

The festive season is a difficult time for just about all on the spectrum, and I want to urge all spectrumites to be kind to themselves this year. Most of us get stressed out to the max. Some struggle to understand the whole point of it all. Others feel even more lonely and isolated than they do the rest of the year. Those who do throw themselves into participating, can fall into the trap of trying to have, or thinking they ‘should’ have, the ‘perfect’ Christmas, just like in the Christmas movies or in TV programmes or ads.

It’s important to remember that even NTs find Christmas a stressful time. There’s a reason why domestic violence statistics shoot up at this time of year, for instance. Many NTs also have dysfunctional families that make Christmas gatherings a nightmare. And then there’s the financial stress of gifts and extra travel and special foods, especially this year when even your average middle class person is struggling to make ends meet, and those on the breadline (which includes many of us, with our high unemployment rate) are beyond struggling and into desperation. So don’t think you’re alone in finding this time difficult.

There are practical things you can do to reduce Christmas stress. For gifts, avoid the nightmare of large department stores – instead try small speciality stores, or do your shopping online or through catalogues. Visit a farmer’s or craft market if there is one near you, they’re often great places to find that special and/or ‘different’ gift at a moderate cost. Alternatively, people are usually thrilled to get homemade crafts or baking, if you have a talent for these. If you have kids, or are buying for kids, don’t get caught up in thinking you ‘have’ to buy them expensive toys etc. Kids are often surprisingly content with less expensive items, especially those which involve crafts or physical activity – or that make a lot of noise!!!

Food-wise, stick to your normal types of food as much as possible, throughout the season. If you’re gluten or dairy free for example, make sure others who are doing any of the Christmas cooking know this, and ask for at least some of the food to be ‘okay’ for you. Make suggestions or give recipes if need be. At the very least, ensure you take some food that you know you can eat. And don’t be tempted by the sumptuous display on the table into eating what you know will mean you suffer later, or let yourself be nagged into it by inconsiderate or well-meaning but ignorant relatives. If you’re doing the cooking, keep it as simple as possible – you really don’t need to provide six different and elaborate main dishes and three starters for example. And ask others to cook/bring some food, eg a dessert or salad each, or some drinks. (Oh, and limit or stay off the alcohol if possible, it tends to make things get out of control very quickly.)

If you’re celebrating at your own home, it’s perfectly okay (even a good idea) to have a gathering of only those people you actually care about and want to be with on the day itself – whether this is a partner, your kids, friends or whoever. If you must have or go to a larger family gathering, or you want to, then ensure you have frequent ‘time out’, by going to another part of the house, or your room, or outside, for a walk if the weather permits it in your part of the world. As my family lives not too far away, I simply go home and rest for a few hours in the middle of the day, for instance, between the morning brunch/present giving and the Big Dinner in the evening. Have your own transport if you can – it makes getting away much easier. There is no need to make elaborate excuses when you do this by the way – if any explanation is necessary, then simply say you’re tired/overloaded/peopled-out, whatever works for you. If they don’t accept this explanation, say ‘I’m sorry, but this is what I need’, and do it anyway. Your own needs must come first, not the opinions of relatives.

If you have no-one to get together with, for whatever reason, and especially if you don’t have a lot of money, consider going to a community or charity dinner, if there is one near you. Better yet, volunteer at one. You get to very gently socialise while you peel potatoes, stir gravies and dish up Christmas puddings. If this is not your thing, then do make some effort to make something special to eat, it doesn’t have to be ‘Christmassy’ foods – perhaps your favourite food is oysters, or bananas! Also do something a little different, maybe play all your favourite songs or movies, play all your favourite computer games, or go for a walk in your favourite spot – whatever will make you feel like you’ve ‘celebrated’ in some way.

And let go of the idea of the ‘perfect’ Christmas. The movie/TV version is a commercialised, sentimentalised version meant to either sell the movie, or get people to watch the programme, or buy the product advertised. It has very little to do with the reality of most people’s Christmas – which more often involves things like kids running around screaming and bouncing off the walls because of over-excitement or too much Christmas sugar, Uncle George getting drunk on the sherry, Grandma falling asleep face down in the trifle, and at least one sibling or cousin having a Huge Fight with someone else and storming out vowing Never To Speak To That Bitch/Bastard Ever Again. (Okay I exaggerate, but these things do happen!)

Do what works for you, not what you think you ‘should’ do. If you have negative or confused feelings about the whole business, acknowledge them as valid, even if it’s only to yourself so as not to spoil things for those around you. It doesn’t mean they are any less valid or real. If you have to go through at least some of the rituals and palavers associated with the season, just grin and bear it with as much good grace as you can. Remember it’ll soon be over, and sanity return!!

And above all, be kind to yourself. Don’t thrash yourself trying to fit into a mold that is not you, and/or not right for your family and close ones. You have the right, even the duty to yourself, to celebrate exactly how you want to celebrate, and not how anyone else tells you, or tries to pressure you, that you ‘should’.

Because you’re worth it. Season’s greetings my friends. Have a good Christmas.

A bit of a grumble...

I know what i said about putting positive vibes into the world, but sometimes you just gotta bitch. Or not so much bitch, as just vent, and ask why the heck?

Why the heck do some buildings that are temperature-regulated, insist on such extremes? Whenever i go into a shop, department store or office buildings, i invariably find the following :-

1) In winter, like now, they are overheated to the max. When i first come in from the cold, it's good. I slip my jacket off, maybe my scarf, and enjoy the warmth. Pretty soon, i want to take off my jersey or cardigan too. Then i roll my sleeves up... before i know it, i've peeled off everything that can be removed in public, and i'm still boiling. I usually end up leaving the place, seeking the cool outdoors again, and having bought nothing.

2) In summer, however, the air-con is also cranked up to the max. On a hot day, it's lovely when you first enter, but soon it starts to get chilly, and then positively goose-bumpy. Again, it swiftly gets too uncomfortable, and i leave.

So why do they do this? If customers feel too hot or too cold, they will leave, and not buy anything. I know it make shopping an often uncomfortable experience for me. Also, it must consume a heck of a lot of electricity, and you'd think they'd want to keep their overheads down. [About the only exception to this, at least in winter, is The Warehouse, whose stores have very high ceilings anyway, and whose prices are so rock bottom that they would have to skim costs as much as possible. (Could explain why they're often kind of hot and stuffy in the summer too, skimping on air-con.)]

Do other people find this? And is it people in general, or only those on the spectrum who are likely to have trouble with this?

Or is it just me? Am i the only one to go through this? I am aware that poor body temperature regulation is one of the symptoms of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which i also have. So perhaps it's a combination of the two, or i'm truly being as 'over-sensitive' as i've so often been told. (More on this another time.) Perhaps i'm the only one in the world to suffer like this, and everybody else is fine. I'm sure wondering. What are other people's experiences?