Women And Abuse - Time For A Rethink

As some of you will know, I spent years in the feminist movement back in the day, where there was a lot of focus on things like rape, sexual assault and domestic violence. The prevailing ethos was ‘believe women’, take them seriously, take the charges seriously. And given the experiences of so many women, I still believe this was a necessary step, one that led, eventually, to the ‘MeToo’ movement, which I definitely support.

There was also however an attitude, sometimes explicit, sometimes not, that women were somehow the ‘better’ gender, were more compassionate, nicer, sharing, caring, etc, etc. I was never particularly comfortable with it, but said nothing. In retrospect, perhaps it was a necessary rebuttal of the previous attitude that women were ‘lesser than’ – less intelligent, less trustworthy, less capable, and so on. Or perhaps it was a weird kind of extension of the masculinist belief that women were the ‘gentle’ sex, making a virtue out of what had been seen as a flaw.

More recent experience has shown me that the real situation is, however, way more complicated. Women are far from ‘always better’ than men. Some women, just like some men, can be heartless, selfish, ruthless, controlling, manipulative, aggressive (or passive-aggressive), narcissistic, vicious and even outright abusive. They can attempt to destroy someone’s reputation out of sheer spite, as a means of control, because they were rejected, or simply because they enjoy doing so. (And yes, I am thinking of THAT court case, but not only that.)

In short, some women can be every bit as nasty as some men (while some men, obversely, are extremely good people). It’s likely that a lot of these people, no matter their gender, are the result of them having received similar abuse or other warped treatment themselves, as children, though the jury seems to be still out on how much is genetic and how much environment.

I’ve written before about having observed some very nasty behaviour from various women. I was writing about those with PDs, but the kind of women I’m talking about here don’t have to have, or qualify for, a diagnosis of a personality disorder, in order to be very unpleasant to be around. Even ‘Karens’ can be obnoxiously tiresome (and yes, I know there are male Karens too).

Now, historically (and still, within some cultures), I believe women haven’t had quite as much scope, sometimes not even within their own households, to exercise the worst aspects of their characters, for fear of beatings, divorce, losing their children, loss of income, or even being killed. Modern times and the feminist movement, ironically, have freed women to be both their best AND their worst.

By this point, I bet some are rolling their eyes and thinking ‘well DUH, Captain Obvious’, or ‘yeah, yeah, I know that’. But many, it seems, don’t know that, or refuse to acknowledge it. I still see too many ‘feminists’ and their followers slavishly embracing every word that drops from a woman’s lips as Pure Gold, and/or acting as though ‘women can be abused’ and ‘women can be abusers’ can’t both be true. Automatically believing the woman, even when there is absolutely no evidence to support her claims, and/or plenty of evidence of the opposite, should, you’d think, make at least some hesitate. But apparently not. But then again, the most fervent are rarely logical, no matter where on the political spectrum they lie. 

We need to be aware that there are always those who will happily corrupt and use any movements for their own egotistical needs, including #MeToo and feminism. Abuse *is* a feminist issue, just not quite in the way the earlier feminists thought.

We should not laud women as somehow ‘above what men do’, but recognise that women are just as capable of Bad Things as men. This is not a contradiction of feminism, but confirmation of its central tenet – ie that women and men truly ARE equal to each other – in both their worst and their best capabilities, and that all genders have the capacity to be all things. It’s a sad fact that a screwed-up world produces screwed-up people, and sometimes they hand that damage on to others. And that has little to do with gender, except as and when political/social systems allow one gender power over another to do more of that ‘screwing up’.

BECAUSE I CARE

I know I’ve said that I’d rather not write again about dealing with people with borderline personality disorder. But it seems that I still have some things I need to explain. I’m getting kind of tired of hearing that we mustn’t point out bad behaviour on the part of people with personality disorders, particularly Cluster B ones, because, y’know, it’s ‘demonising’ and ‘stigmatising’ and ‘ableist’ and all.

But it’s not stigmatising to stand up for victims of abuse. It’s not demonising to call out an individual or even a group on their negative behaviour patterns. It’s not ableist to point out that people with personality disorders are a high risk group for both abusing and being abused, precisely because of their disorder.* The very characteristics which cause them to either get a diagnosis, or for others to suspect they rate one, unfortunately predispose them to it. **

Because you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that people who have unstable emotions, a fear of abandonment and poor boundaries (borderline), or massive but frail egos (narcissist), or aggressive tendencies and lack of empathy (anti-social), are going to have problems relating to others. Even the desperate need for attention of those with histrionic, the lesser-known Cluster B disorder, could lay them open to abuse. I’ve also, sadly, seen many with personality disorders be abusive to some, but then get trampled on by others in turn.

But here’s the thing – people with personality disorders are entitled to support – but minimising and excusing bad behaviour is not the right sort of support. It’s no use complaining about being ‘stigmatised’, when it’s your very own behaviour that has created that stigma. People have become wary, and weary, of being victims of manipulation, abuse, angry tirades and distorted world-views. To try to ‘remove the stigma’ without addressing the ROOT CAUSES of it is to simply attempt to silence the victims of that behaviour.

Not to mention that I find it ironic when I get accused of ‘demonising’ by, for instance, someone with a personality disorder trying to bully another person into submission. Or I receive a message from another telling me how they’ve ‘changed so much’ – right in the middle of the kind of truth-twisting rant that proves, um, no, actually they haven’t. This kind of curious double-speak, or just self-dishonesty, leaves me unsure whether to laugh at the irony or just shake my head in weary disbelief.

The other accusation that’s come my way recently is that I’m uncaring and ‘lacking in empathy’ for those who have suffered the trauma/abuse/etc that created these disorders.

So let me make something clear – I very much do care.

I care about the whole world and its pain. I care about those who are abused or raped or tortured, about people dying in horrible wars, about First Nation peoples being deprived of their lands or culture or rights, about how so much of the world’s wealth is being hogged by greedy billionaires, about sexism and racism and classism and ageism and homophobia and transphobia and Islamophobia and anti-Semitism and every other prejudice and ‘ism’ you can name. I’m utterly opposed to oppression and hate of any kind, and want the world to be a much better place.

I know I can’t really heal the entire world, but if I could, I would. I’d put balm on all the wounded spirits, help the faltering, house the homeless, embrace the refugees, pick up those who have fallen… and I’d heal the environment too. I care because that’s who and what I am. Call it a ‘saviour complex’ if you like, or a ‘bleeding heart’, but this is me. It’s my nature to care. I don’t want anyone to feel pain or fear or loss, to suffer abuse or maltreatment of any kind, whether they’re on the spectrum or not, whether they have a personality disorder or not, or whatever else their life entails.

So yes, I care. I may choose not to associate with those of you with personality disorders because of my own past history, but I do care about the trauma you’ve suffered. No-one should have to go through that. No child should be abused, manipulated, neglected, and have their psyches twisted and damaged. It was seeing your pain, in part, that kept me in a relationship for nearly ten years, and more long months in a toxic ‘friendship’. But ultimately, it was the results of that which also drove me away. Because there is only so much an individual can take.

And I know you better than you think. (From this point on, I’m going to talk only about borderliners, because that’s the condition I’m most familiar with. But those who’ve been closely associated with other personality disorders can perhaps tell a similar story.)

I’ve seen your pain, and how it drives you to lash out. I’ve seen your terror of abandonment that makes you push away the very people you want to hang on to. I’ve seen your bone-deep anger that conceals an even deeper misery. I know that buried somewhere inside you, is a small child who knew something wasn’t right, but who got all kinds of messages that told you otherwise, till you were overwhelmed and lost your sense of self and safety. I’ve seen how you flounder around, trying desperately to compensate for not having a solid psychological base. I’ve seen the abyss within you, even when you were/are too afraid to face it yourself.

And most importantly, I’ve seen that on a very deep level, you’re not happy. It’s not called a ‘disorder’ simply because mental health professionals like to slap labels on you. You are ‘dis-ordered’, your true self compromised when you were so young that you don’t even realise how damaged you are, how dysfunctional your connections to others are, how twisted your basic assumptions about the world/life/other people are. You don’t seem to get just how much your style of personal interaction is neither normal or desirable. Not to mention that you are a high risk group for suicide, or, more likely, simply dying old and bitter and alone.

And that’s the true sadness of your condition, not the so-called ‘stigma’.

But here’s the cruncher – having a personality disorder is not something you simply have to accept. It’s not something to hang an identity on, but a problem that needs to be addressed. It’s not set in stone - though it can be stubborn - and you CAN heal from it. And I want that for you. I want you to be healed. I want you to burrow down into that deep well of long-held sorrow, to root out the pain and trauma, to lance the long-festering wounds in your psyche, to experience psychological ‘disinfecting’ and healing. I wish this for you.

But, rather like an alcoholic, you must first admit there’s a problem, before you can work on it. I assure you that I’m not minimising the difficulties of this path. It will be long and hard, and depending on your location and resources, therapy might be out of your reach. This doesn’t mean that you can’t work on challenging and changing yourself. Taking responsibility for your words and actions, and the results of them on others, is an essential start. Not assuming that those who dare to challenge you are prejudiced, demonising, ableist, don’t understand you or your condition, etc, etc, is also essential. Consider that others might understand you all too well, but that you’re not listening to what they’re trying to tell you. Understand also that just because your BEHAVIOUR is bad, doesn’t mean that we think YOU are bad. You’re simply damaged – but the damage can be healed.

You don’t – you really, really don’t - have to live life at the mercy of your tempestuous emotions, your fear and anger and compulsions. You CAN have a calmer, more stable and fulfilling life and relationships. It IS possible. But you won’t get it by sitting back and complaining about ‘stigma’, without doing the work. Nor will you get it by gathering in PD groups to commiserate about how ‘misunderstood’ you are. I want you to challenge yourself, and others with PDs, to begin the long road to a better life. Because I believe you can do it.

And I want you to be healed.

I want you to be healed. I don’t think I can emphasise this enough.

I want you to be healed. For your sake, and for the sake of those around you.

I want us all to be healed.

I want a better world. For all of us. For everyone.

BECAUSE I CARE.

Never doubt it.

___________________________

*Re ‘disorders’ - it’s true that autism itself has long been considered a ‘disorder’, but we now know it’s not. And something genetic and inborn in us, that’s ultimately simply a different kind of brain, is obviously nothing like emotional damage acquired through traumatic experiences.

**I’m aware that many autistics are misdiagnosed with different personality disorders, probably in all the Clusters. Reading some of the Cluster A descriptions, for instance, is like reading a textbook list of autistic traits. And I know also that those who do have a personality disorder may also may have a second one, or other mental health issues, eg depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc, which can of course complicate things.

You Have The Right To Not Have Abusive People In Your Life

Lately I’ve been seeing on Facebook quite a few posts around the theme of choosing not to have abusive people in our lives, even if they’re other autistics – and the resulting furore, especially if the writer dares to say these people are narcissistic or similar. Some even seem to have been driven out of the community, or at least off social media, by the relentless attacks from their abusers. I’ve also received some criticism myself, either when I chose to support those making this choice, or I challenged some people’s glossing over the abuse, or from other, more private sources, because I dare to call out those who do abuse or maltreat us – something I also apply to other autistics.

So, at the risk of ‘stating the obvious’ (though it seems to some people it’s not, and we autistics don’t always ‘get the obvious’ anyway), let me make myself one hundred percent clear here, to my brother and sister autistics –

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ABUSIVE PEOPLE.

EVER.

It doesn’t matter if they had a rotten childhood, or have been abused themselves, or had a hard life in some other way, or they are just plain old jerks.

It doesn’t matter if they have some type of personality disorder or not, if they ever had a formal diagnosis, or have never had one but fit the criteria, or have a mental health condition, or are …just jerks.

It doesn’t matter if they are autistic too, even ‘top’ advocates, or just well-known personalities.

It doesn’t matter if they’re family, or your partner, or you’ve been ‘friends’ with them for ages, or they have some other hook into you.

It doesn’t matter if they’ve surrounded you with people who support them and not you, and you know you’ll lose a lot of people if you dump them.

It doesn’t even matter, ultimately, if you’ll be financially and practically worse off without them, and that it’s going to be extremely hard to get them out of your life, and you’re not even sure how to.

In fact, in the end, nothing matters except that they are abusing, bullying and/or manipulating you, and you need to get away from them, by whatever means necessary.

And no, you’re not being ‘nasty’ or ‘unsympathetic’, not to want such people in your life. You can feel sympathy for their plight, but from a safe distance! Remember that it’s actually THEIR responsibility, not yours, to sort themselves out. Even if they struggle to do so, it’s still not your problem or your fault, and you don’t have to take them back. You don’t have to hold their hand, metaphorically speaking, while they’re steadily draining your life force. You don’t have to pay that price anymore. You have the right to set boundaries, and stick to them.

And yes, they will use any and every angle, every trick in the book, to get you back under their control again. I’ve heard just about all of them, from both those who dumped on me, similar people, and their supporters, known as ‘flying monkeys’.

Just sharing recent examples, for instance - if I went back years, there would be lots more - I’ve been told that I was ‘stigmatising’ and ‘demonising’ people with personality disorders for daring to point out how badly many of them behave, and had my words rewritten to equate having one to being autistic, though there is actually no comparison. Personality disorders are the result of damaged psyches, and you CAN heal from them, with the right treatment. They are therefore NOTHING LIKE autism, which we’re born with, and which is simply a variation on human, not emotional damage, though of course people can have a personality disorder in addition to being autistic.

Another time, I was told that I’m ‘ableist’ and ‘judgemental’ of people with personality disorders, that I shouldn’t say that they tend to be abusive as ‘only abusers abuse’. To which I pointed out that if you have a diagnosis of a personality disorder in the first place, or you fit the criteria for one, you are at far greater risk of either abusing or being abused, especially if you refuse to examine yourself and get treatment. I’m guessing that they didn’t like this much either. But I’m getting better at standing my ground with such people. (Sadly, this wasn’t always the case.)

I’ve also been told that I’m showing a ‘lack of empathy’ for those who had hard childhoods, that I’m ‘judgemental’ of those with mental health disorders (though my friends beg to differ), that I was ‘unsupportive’ of a particular critic (I guess all those hours empathising with their problems during so many of their long and frequently tedious rants don’t count), that I’m ‘claiming to be perfect’ (something I’ve never in fact said, nor ever would), told I shouldn’t write about what I’ve been through without giving those who have shat on me a ‘right of reply’, and so much more. All combined with a not-so-subtle pressure to let them back into my life so that things can be ‘sorted out’.

And so on, and so forth. I’m sure you’ve heard similar things from the abusers/manipulators/drama addicts in your life. A constant stream of distorted ‘facts’ and selective ‘memories’, all designed to break your will and wear you down. And let them back in. Always, of course, on their terms.

DON’T DO IT.

Don’t let them in. Or if they’re already (back) in, get them out by whatever means you have to. Blocking, unfriending, deleting, leaving online or IRL groups, cancelling, moving house, dropping unsupportive people and the abuser’s flying monkeys, refusing to engage, leaving town, leaving the country even, whatever it takes. WHATEVER IT TAKES.

Because you’re entitled to a decent life, one free of constant drama, criticism, bullying, verbal attacks, manipulation, and similar, a life that’s safe, peaceful, happy, and which meets your needs, and you don’t owe them anything but a heartfelt ‘goodbye!’

BECAUSE YOU’RE WORTH IT.

And you know what? The abusers deserve a good life too – just not at your expense. I sincerely hope that they get the PROFESSIONAL help they need, so that they stop treating people the way they do, but also for their own sake. I don’t wish them ill, why would I? How does that help anything, or anyone? And yes, I know that the right treatment, or indeed any treatment, can be extremely difficult to access, sometimes impossible. But until they start challenging themselves, and other abusers, to do and be better, horrible things are going to keep happening. People are going to keep getting damaged.

And we all deserve better. Better lives, better community, better everything.

BECAUSE WE’RE ALL WORTH IT.

Arohanui (much love).