The Dishonesty of NTs

I don’t want anyone getting me wrong here – this is not an anti-NT rant. I don’t do such things, not even in my worst and most frustrated moments. That would be doing a disservice to the many NTs I love dearly. Not to mention that I don’t believe that autistics are superior overall to NTs, anymore than I believe that NTs are superior to me/us. Rather, we have strengths in different areas, and in our thinking and approach to the world and life and other people, we’re simply, totally, completely and overwhelmingly different.

And it’s one aspect of that difference I want to explore here, as I attempt to get to grips with something that’s long puzzled me about NT behaviour. Namely, their dishonesty. Or what seems like dishonesty to us.

Note, I’m not talking here about those blatant acts of dishonesty – theft, shop-lifting, burglary, fraud, embezzlement, con-artistry, espionage, treason, and so on - that get punished by the law, and rejected by most NTs even, and rightly so. Nor do I mean the deliberate but not usually illegal deceptions of negative intent – the cheating spouse, the manipulative workmate, the political trickster. I’m talking, rather, about the little acts of social dishonesty.

I’ve come to realise that NTs, unlike us, place ‘getting along with others’ way, way, way ahead of ‘telling it like it is’. So they will do all sorts of little fudgings of the truth in service of that, where we would just blurt things out – and then get jumped on for being ‘rude’, ‘insensitive’, etc. As we almost never intend this, we end up confused and even hurt. What, we wonder, did we do wrong? Why is the truth so bad?

Anyway, here’s something of a guide to the various kinds of social dishonesty (though they wouldn’t call it that) I’ve seen NTs doing.

Phrasing things politely. This is using diplomatic versions of the truth, to soften harsh messages. So people will say that so-and-so is “a bit upset”, by something, when in fact they threw a tantrum, or are bawling their eyes out. Always take a message like this as a huge understatement – the truth is almost certain to be far worse than the literal words. Phrases like “a bit”, “kind of”, or “somewhat” are red flags for this sort of dishonesty. Even between aspies, I’ve seen this one trip some of us up.

Euphemisms. This is a variation on polite phrasing, where softer expressions are used to blunt harsh realities, eg saying that someone has “passed away” rather than simply “died”. I have often used these myself, finding them either less likely to cause offence, or just kinder. Or more bearable – eg when referring to my mother’s recent passing. It has its place therefore, but too much of it is like constantly wearing cotton wool in your ears – you start to feel like everything is a bit muffled.

Circling the truth. Basically, this involves verbal beating round and round the bush, till you’re not even certain what the heck the bush is. I have always found this extremely difficult to cope with. I’m still not sure what the point of it is, other than a kind of super-politeness, or maybe not wanting to commit to saying the truth, but if you’re faced with someone who never clearly states what is it that they want, or are trying to say, circling is likely what they’re doing. My recommendation is, be blunt. Ask straight out what they mean. It tends to disconcert people, sometimes annoy them, and even then you don’t always get a straight answer, but at least the issue is out in the open. And that’s got to be far less anxiety-provoking for you.

The little white lie. Years ago, my then-partner told me about a previous flatmate of hers, who fancied a guy who was obviously gay, something she refused to acknowledge, even once saying to my ex “people say so-and-so is gay, but he’s not, is he?” My ex’s private thought was that the guy was as camp as a row of pink tents, but she agreed no, he wasn’t. This is the ‘nice’ lie, to spare someone’s feelings and supposedly not harmful, though I have my doubts. How can not facing up to the truth be harmful? How long would that woman have gone on deluding herself this guy was potentially available? And how hurt would she have been, in the end?

 If you do hear someone telling one of these white lies, however, it’s best not to barge in with the truth. These situations often needs delicate handling, and are best left alone by those as socially clumsy as we aspies. Of course if someone asks you outright, they should know better than to expect you to lie, but do ‘phrase it diplomatically’ if you can.

The ‘Fairy Tale’. A more elaborate version of the ‘little white lie’, we see this one most especially on sitcoms, where some of the characters invent a complicated tale to tell another character, because they feel they can’t tell the truth for some reason. However it also sometimes happens in real life too, usually I think to spare someone’s feelings, or to escape the consequences of something.

I’ve been tripped up by this one more than once – confused, I would jump in with “no, that’s not true!”, and blurting out the truth. And of course getting a very sharp reaction, which confused me even more – why were they telling a lie in the first place, and why didn’t they tell me they were going to do it? I still think it’s stupid, and usually unnecessary. Or at least they didn’t need to invent such a convoluted lie.

Zipping the lip. Sometimes NTs avoid telling a lie by simply saying nothing at all, also known as ‘keeping mum’, ‘keeping stum’, and similar phrases. Like the little white lie, it’s done to spare other’s feelings, especially in situations where it’s felt that revealing the truth would do no good, and possibly even hurt someone. So there is a place for it, and I’ve done it myself – kept quiet about stuff that it really wasn’t necessary to reveal.

Maybe, for instance, you’ve got a sweet little old auntie who’s on her deathbed, and who’s always idolized her long-dead husband. Why tell her that in fact he had an affair thirty years ago? What purpose would be served by telling her now? (This is a fictitious example, I hasten to add, not one I’ve ever personally faced.)

Keeping our mouths shut is I think about the only ‘social dishonesty’ we aspies can manage, in response to all the situations mentioned above - difficult though it can be, not to blurt things out! I’ve found it best to watch what others are doing. If they aren’t revealing something, I don’t either.

It’s important to remember that all of these ‘dishonesties’ are done with positive intent in mind – the sparing of other’s feelings, at least in the short term. Whether they do in the long run of course is another question, but the golden rule here is “if in doubt, don’t say anything”.

The World As A Puzzle

When I was young, I thought of the world as being like a giant jigsaw puzzle - the sort with about ten thousand pieces, which seems like just a jumble of fragments at first, hundreds of bits of blue, and lots of blurry brown and grey, and where on earth does that red bit go? But then you find this bit links up and then that bit, and then suddenly a whole part of the puzzle becomes clear, and you go, Oh! I see what it is now! I thought the world was like that, and if I could figure out enough of the 'pieces', suddenly I would understand the world, it would make sense at long last. Because it certainly didn't make sense to me at the time, in fact it seemed like a vast, swirling, chaotic mess, with rules that I could never figure out, and which I was constantly tripping over. I was terrified someone would realise how ignorant I was, and how much I was 'faking it', and so I thought if I could just figure the world out, I wouldn't have to anymore, I'd 'just know' all the things everyone else did.

It never did make sense, the puzzle remained a puzzle. These days, though I know a lot more about the world, and have put some small parts of the 'puzzle' together, the world still overall seems, well, puzzling. Only now I've realised it's actually a ginormous three-dimensional puzzle, crossed with a vicious game of snakes-and-ladders and a really, really, really complicated Rubik's cube. And the thing about the Rubik's cube, is that if you think you've nearly got it, you've in fact got it all wrong. Plus, the whole thing completely switches itself around every now and again, and introduces new pieces. Just to confuse you even more! Or so it seems anyway.

So in short, I've given up trying to figure it out. And I've realised that NTs don't necessarily understand the world as a whole better than I do. Once when I said to my mother something about "figuring out the world", she asked in astonishment, "can anyone figure it out?!" Even to her, it seemed, with her long experience of life and far greater understanding of people, it could still seem a very confusing place. And I wonder if that's so to other NTs as well - they know their 'pieces' of the world, their little corner or corners, but how much do they really understand of the bigger picture? They've probably never thought about it much, never had the urge I did, to try and make sense of it all.

The difference being, I suppose, that they do understand their corner of it, its social rules and so on, and have a general understanding of the rest, and of people in general, and that's enough for them to get along in the world. We aspies don't. We don't really have any corner that we understand, any milieu where we know the rules and so can relax; or for that matter much of an understanding of the broader social world. The result being that we stumble and bumble our way through life, trying to make sense of what doesn't actually make sense, not knowing or understanding what others consider so basic as to be not worth mentioning. And so perhaps we have a greater need or impetus to figure it out. I suspect that it's why so many aspies (the ones that aren't science/maths/tech geeks that is) go into the social sciences, to figure out both themselves and the strange creatures that share the planet with them.

How do you view the world?

God, Religion, and Atheism

I have some trepidation writing this, as I fear I may offend some, but recent events, as I’ve said, have compelled me to lay out plainly what I believe. In no way am I trying to ‘convert’ anyone here, or ‘dis’ anyone for believing what I cannot.

I say ‘cannot’, because though I have never been and never will be an atheist, I find more and more that I am largely in agreement with them on many points. Most especially, on the absurdities just about all religions would have us accept as ‘Truth’. Anyone expecting me to believe in such blatant nonsense as virgin births or the world being created in seven days (no-one’s ever explained to me why The Almighty was in such a tearing hurry), will have their work cut out. I believe in evolution, rationality, the workings of reason, and the findings of science. And no, I certainly don’t see that as incompatible with my bone-deep spirituality.

Now some would have us believe a lot of this nonsense simply because “it’s in the Bible” (or some other Holy Book), and that that document is ‘God-given’, Sacred Word Never To Be Questioned. Sorry, but no. Though the Bible (the religious book I am best acquainted with, and yes, I have read it, all the way through) has many lyrical and spiritually moving passages, it also has plenty that is, well, less than inspiring (all those boring begats), or even violent. It’s a human document, and even the most inspired passages have had to be filtered through human minds, with all the prejudices and limitations of their times, and written down by human hands, in language they felt others would understand. Not to mention it’s now known to have had several ‘revisions’. It can be beautiful, but it’s not perfect. Not even close.

I see no more reason to believe in these ancient Jewish myths of creation, etc, or whatever stories the early Christian leaders dreamed up to ‘prove’ the divinity of Jesus, than I would literally believe the Maori legend that Maui fished up the North Island, or in mythical Chinese dragons, or Irish tales about Finn McCool. If I ever did subscribe to such fabulist tales, I outgrew them along with the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and Santa Claus. I can understand people believing in those things in a more credulous and superstitious age, but surely nowadays we know better.

On the other hand, my feeling is that when atheists discard God along with religious ideas and concepts of God, they’re throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Forget, for example, that antiquated image of an Old Man with a long white beard, sitting on a throne on a cloud, up in some mythical heaven, waiting to thunder down retribution on those who ‘sin’. The Infinite Power is so much more than such limited, prejudice- and dogma-ridden ideas.

I find it hard to delineate exactly how I perceive God, as there are no limits on Its nature. It’s the underpinning of the Universe, the Matrix that holds it together, the Source of All Things, the Energy that runs through us all, and the True Nature of all of us. We all come from this Source, and will return to it in the end. A spark of it is in each of us, usually slumbering, sometimes burning bright, often seeking, though for what, the seeker often doesn’t know. God is present in mountains and trees, birds and fishes, oceans and stars, in everything and even in the spaces between. God is present in you and me. God is.

God is Infinite Love. Unconditional, immense, limitless love. Most people have no idea how huge that love is. I have touched the merest fringe of it, just a few times, and each time it blew me away. I had always ‘believed’ before, from then on I knew. God is also Infinite Wisdom, lovingly guiding us and supporting us through the trials of our lives, in ways we usually don’t see. God can be seen as impersonal, a Force or Power, or in a more personal way, as the Perfect Father or Mother (The Infinite is beyond gender), the most wonderfully supporting Best Friend, or whatever else you want. And The Infinite will wait for you until you’re ready. There’s no hurry. (I also believe in reincarnation and karma, so I know we don’t have to rush to ‘get it all done’ in this lifetime.)

Moreover, I believe that God doesn’t judge. Humans judge, humans define ‘sin’, usually to suit themselves, and set themselves up as judge, jury and executioner for those who ‘transgress’. They forget that God is Love, and make all sorts of claims to ‘knowing’ what God wants or thinks eg, ‘God hates homosexuals’, which subsequently sees them descend into morasses of twisted, hate-ridden thinking and even violence. Such people are as far from truly being ‘one with God’ as a worm is from the sky. The Infinite may see some of our actions (most especially those that hurt ourselves or other people) as less than perfect, but It created each of us exactly as we are, and loves us just as we are. Without condition. God created me aspie, female, gay, creative, Kiwi, spiritual, and just a little bit geeky. I’m content with that, it’s a pity so many don’t accept what the Divine Power intended me/us to be.

Some people may decide, after having read the above, that I am ‘anti-religion’, or anti ‘their’ religion. Let me make myself clear. The only things I am ‘anti’ are hatred, bigotry, prejudice, persecution, abuse, oppression, violence and deliberate stupidity. (By which I don’t mean the intellectually disabled, but the attitudes of those who have a fully functional brain and don’t use it, preferring instead to spout reactionary prejudices, regurgitated dogma, or the latest ‘party line’.)

There’s much more I could say, but I think this post is long enough!! Perhaps I’ll say more another day.

Mysticism and Me

Ages ago I said I would write more sometime on my spiritual views. I’ve not done so, because a) there’s been so much else to write about, and b) I’d hate, as I’ve said before, for anyone to feel I’m ‘pushing’ my views on them. However, lately some events have propelled me into doing so.

The first of these was finding a book in my local library on mysticism. It looked interesting, so I took it home, but I wasn’t prepared to find that my concept of ‘mysticism’ was awry. I had a vague concept of ‘mystics’ as the sort of people who deliberately made their body of ‘spiritual’ knowledge obscure or secret, so as to seem more mysterious and powerful than in fact they were. To me, therefore, ‘mysticism’ was the practise of a lot of mumbo-jumbo, self-serving bull.

In fact, I found, mystics are those who seek to approach God/The Divine Power directly, rather than through intermediaries such as churches, priests, ministers, imams, rabbis, etc. Their methods of doing this have varied – meditation, prayer, sacred dances or trances, certain drugs – but the central theme is clear. There have been mystics since the days of the prehistoric shamans, and they still exist today. Some people simply prefer to have not a conception of God (ie an idea), but a perception – ie a direct experience.

Sometimes they were, at least nominally, members of one religion or another – there have been Christian, Jewish and Islamic mystics – but this didn’t mean they were exempt from the persecution and hostility heaped on mystics over the millennia, as they of course threatened the power of those intermediaries over their ‘flocks’.

                     

I am a mystic too, I realized. Through meditation, prayer, and trying consciously to live my life according to my spiritual principles, I have sought to establish, maintain and strengthen a direct relationship with the Divine. I neither need nor want a church, minister, whoever, telling me what to do, or ‘what God wants’, or how I should live. I outgrew formal religion about the same time as I became a fully-functioning adult, but have never seriously considered not having a connection to the Infinite. I am a spiritual being, it is who and what I am.

And as a spiritually-minded aspie, mysticism suits me – I always like to ‘go to the source’, to go deeper into things, to not just accept ‘Received Truths’, but to find out for myself. I doubt I will go round telling people I’m a ‘mystic’ – although I have included it on my Facebook page in the space for ‘religion’ – but it’s nice to know I’m part of a long, long tradition of like-minded people.

I hope to say more about my spiritual views in further posts.

Just a Couple of Points

1) After I wrote my recent post on The Autistic Label and Identity, a friend commented that she was “all for embracing or claiming our label... as long as it doesn't include us considering ourselves better than non spectrum people... as I would never want to participate in reverse stigma or behaving in an egocentric manner as to presume our way of thinking is better or superior - as I all too often see in non-spectrum people towards us.” She made it plain that she didn’t mean me, that it was rather in reaction to “some Aspie groups internationally who go to an extreme and do articulate Aspie people as being 'better than' non spectrum people, superior etc.”

For the record, I want to state here that I do not, and never will, consider any group or individual better than another, whether it be on the grounds of race, class, gender, sexuality, ethnicity, nationality, religion, dis/ability, neurology, or anything else. Since I was a child, I have always known that all are equal in their essential humanity, their human spirit, their soul, if that word is acceptable to you. I’ve never spoken of it much, as I lacked the words to explain what I knew, and still can’t really put it into words. Yes, people vary in their abilities, intelligences, education, talents, personalities, strengths, etc. But that doesn’t erase the fact that they are all, at the core, simply human, and equal in that essential ‘human-ness’. Call me a (socially-blind) aspie, but I ‘treat a king and a commoner alike’. Because they are.

I realize that when we’ve constantly been told, and are still being told, that we are ‘inferior’ in some way or another, it’s very tempting to turn the tables and claim “well, humph, actually WE’RE the superior ones, we have these abilities, this outlook, this whatever” – but it simply isn’t true. We have lacks, and strengths. So do NTs. So does everyone. It’s part of being human. That the lacks and strengths are different doesn’t change that.

2) Further to the above, I want to state that my goal has always been, and always will be, the pursuit of truth. If that means uncovering, discovering, discussing or revealing things that are unpalatable, that people (even those on the spectrum) don’t want to hear, then so be it. No-one is served by the suppression of the truth. Suppressing it or turning away from it only corrodes us internally, keeps us small and fearful.

Yes, there are ways and ways to tell the truth, and I’d never want to hurt anyone, or have anyone feel I’ve put them down or told them they are useless, a failure, deficient as a human being, etc, etc – I’ve been told that too often myself. That is not my belief, nor my intention. So call me (once again) a (terminally honest) aspie, nonetheless, I believe we have a duty to ourselves and to those who come after us, to find / reveal / discuss / assimilate / tell ALL the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Because only by facing our truths, can we grow beyond our limitations, develop our strengths, and become all that we are capable of being, both individually and collectively – and that ‘all’ is very much indeed, much, much more than we are now.