Autistic Hyper-Empathy and Emotional Volatility

From time to time, I’ve seen posts or links about hyper-empathy in autistics. These discuss how, far from being totally cold and unempathetic as some ‘experts’ still confidently proclaim, many of us are in fact in possession of too much empathy, and, not knowing what to do with it or how to express it, end up freezing or fleeing. Not all of us are like this of course, but from anecdotal evidence it seems a good number are.

I believe I am one of those hyper-empathetic auties. And before anyone goes “wow, she thinks she’s something special”, I want to explain that it’s far being from all lovely and roses and indigo children spiritual and so on. What in fact happens is that I’m dragged in, and often down, by others’ feelings. I’m an ‘all or nothing’ sort of person anyway, I get over-involved, and it can, and has, many a time, simply been too much to cope with or sort out, at least on the spot.

Sometimes it’s not even what they feel, but what I would feel if I were in their place. Many other times though, it is what they are obviously feeling, I take it on board as if it were my own response, and then I’m overcome by it, not able to detach myself from the situation, often still processing it long after the other person has moved on.

Also add in a measure of alexithymia, whereby I often don’t know what my own REAL feelings are, and that when I do know, they can be, and often in the past were, all over the place anyway, but frequently didn’t ‘show’ on the outside, and people would judge me for that, and then I’d get more upset… The result was, well, I would (and sometimes still can) end up something of a mess, to put it mildly.

I realised a long time ago that I needed to do something about this ‘over-reacting’ (as others called it), that my emotions were out of control, and I’ve worked long and hard over the past 15-20 years to master them. Meditation, together with a quieter lifestyle, has been key to doing this. But it’s still a fragile thing, I can still be dragged off balance all too easily.

What this means in practise is that I am still vulnerable to emotionally volatile people. I can be caught up in their dramas or crises, and lose that balance. In the worst instances, I can even take on not just their emotions but their thoughts and opinions as well. And it can take me ages to disentangle myself and rediscover my true feelings/thoughts/etc afterwards. My last relationship was a prime example of that, but it can and has happened with non-romantic connections too.

Which, as someone with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I really can’t afford to have happen. The stress of sleepless nights, digestive disturbances (I’m being polite here!) and the resulting exhaustion and debilitation is simply too much of a risk. Many years ago, I reached the stage of being almost bedridden with the CFS and it took me years to recover. There is NO WAY I’m risking going back to that state again. No way. EVER.

And once I realise what’s happening, the only real solution is to back away from such people as fast and as far as I can, even if I lose a lot else in doing so. I have broken ties and left behind friends. I have up and left groups, or moved house or localities even, if need be. I have undoubtedly come across as ‘cold’ or ‘uncaring’ or ‘snobbish’ or who knows what, to others who don’t understand. But I really don’t have a choice - not if I value my sanity or my health.

Please note that I am not putting down or being judgemental here of people like this. I don’t doubt others are able to keep their own calm, and deal with them just fine. I’m just not one of them. And my first responsibility must be to myself. That’s what CFS does for you – it makes you have to be ‘selfish’.

So if you see me seemingly being ‘cold’, or ‘standoffish’, or ‘unemotional’, or any of those things, know that this is not the case. I’m simply a hyper-empath with major physical health issues, trying my damnedest to stay emotionally and physically healthy. And I’m sure there are other autistics out there like me. So please, don’t make assumptions about what we’re feeling or thinking. You don’t know what’s going on underneath our ‘cold’ exteriors – or our ‘hysterical’ ones.

Taking Control Of Our Lives

I haven’t written anything here for a while, having been busy with other projects. But I have been thinking. And one thing that’s been on my mind, is how so many of us spectrumites - and I definitely include myself in this, especially in my earlier years – have a tendency to drift somewhat passively through life, with the result that eventually, we find ourselves living lives we never expected or wanted. Lives which don’t ‘fit’ us and make us unhappy, or which are actually outright bad – abusive or dysfunctional relationships, crappy or no jobs, substandard housing conditions, etc, etc.

There are probably lots of reasons for this, not the least of which is that when we’re young, we simply don’t understand the world around us, and hence don’t grasp that we need to consciously take control of our lives. And even when we do realise it, we haven’t the slightest idea how to start. But start we must - and so I thought I’d list here some things I’ve learnt along the way, to help us do exactly that.

1) Overcome Our Fears. I’ve already written on this, so I won’t go into it in depth, suffice to say that if we can’t control our anxiety, fear or outright panic, we can’t gain control of anything else in our lives either.

2) Learn To Manage Our Emotions. Auties almost always seem to have difficulty with recognising, managing and expressing their emotions. But as with fear, only when we’ve recognised what we’re feeling, can we then learn how to best manage, express or cope with it. Learning to recognise physical clues is often the first step to doing this – that fluttering in the stomach that means fear, the tight jaw that signifies anger, the slap-in-the-face feeling of surprise, etc.

3) Learn Our Meltdown Triggers. This is a progression of 1) and 2) really. If we’re having meltdowns in public, there is no way our life feels under control. It can even lead to ‘bridge-burning’, where we just run away. And once a meltdown is started, it’s almost impossible to stop. But if we know what triggers it, and learn to recognise the feeling of impending meltdown, then we can either avoid those situations, ask for accommodations or changes, or just allow ourselves to quietly leave when it’s all getting too much.

4) Address Our Executive Dysfunction Issues. Gaining control of our day-to-day lives is an important step. There are many tools that can help us – daily routine plans or charts, visual diaries, diagrams, lists (I am the ‘List Queen’!), labelled peg boards, baskets and bins and other visual aids; also simplifying tasks and eliminating clutter and excess possessions so there are fewer to keep track of. Sometimes we may need help to establish these new methods, at least in the beginning. But it’s always worth trying, until you find the ones that suit you best.

5) Learn To Say No. Sometimes we agree to too much, in a futile effort to please people and be liked. But in doing so we can stress ourselves to breaking point, and fail to do even half of what we’ve agreed to. Learn your limits, and respect them, and you can then insist others do so too. And when we’re comfortable with saying ‘no’, then we can also discover when and what we want to say ‘yes’ to.

6) Stop Expecting Perfection. The search for perfection can both paralyse and isolate us – wanting to make the perfect decision, or make our creations perfect, or have other people be perfect. But that perfection doesn’t exist. We make mistakes, and it’s okay to forgive ourselves for them – because we aren’t perfect either. We can create something that has flaws, and it will still have value. Other people can have flaws too, and still be worth knowing. Accept imperfection, act, make a decision, and/or let something go, and move on.

7) Plan Ahead. If you need to do something or go somewhere new, then find out all you can ahead of time. Things like maps, some public building plans, bus and train timetables can often be found online, and online maps often have street cam views. Libraries, Citizens Advice Bureaus, Automobile Associations and bookstores are also good places to find useful resources. Keep persisting till you have all you need, and rehearse whatever you need to rehearse. So what if ‘nobody else’ does this – you do what YOU need to do.

8) Learn From Others. Most of what I have in terms of ‘social skills’ has been learnt through decades of observing others. As I’ve said elsewhere, I don’t recommend the ultimately exhausting level of people-watching I did, but it’s nonetheless true that watching others will often give us clues how to do things – whether it’s dealing with a snooty receptionist, deciding which knife and fork to use in a fancy restaurant, or asking for changes at work. It can also give us clues as to how to handle a particular job, what sort of career you might like to pursue, and even (sometimes) how to ‘do romantic stuff’. You probably won’t be able to do it exactly as others do, but you can gather ideas that can be adapted to suit your own needs and style.

9) Be Proactive. Do what you need to do, rather than wait for others to do it for you – chances are they never will. If, for instance, you don’t have enough info in order to do something you want or need to do, research or ask people questions until you do. (Don’t let fear of ‘looking stupid’ stop you – you’ll look even more stupid if you don’t know something when you’re meant to.) If someone hasn’t contacted you when arranged, don’t freeze into passivity and endless worrying - contact them, if only to ask (politely) for an explanation. If you’re the recipient of bullying or abuse, keep complaining to authority until it’s stopped, and/or you can remove yourself from the abusive person. If there’s anything about your life you don’t like, do something – or several somethings - to change it.

Above all, act, rather simply react. Take charge. Often we try to control the little things that don’t really matter – the papers on our desk, the time we eat dinner – and neglect the big issues that do – the state of our relationships, the lack of a proper career, the co-worker who’s bullying us. But no-one is going to come in and wave a magic wand that fixes everything. If we’re lucky, we will receive support and assistance, but whether we do or not, ultimately it’s up to us to take control of our lives.

And yes, I know that all of these things can require a lot of hard work and none are easy or quick, but the alternative – a life that feels crazy, overwhelming, chaotic, out of control and maybe even abusive - can be catastrophic. Our lives are often reduced to shambles. I know, because I’ve lived such a life. Only when I began to take charge of it, in the ways listed above, did it begin to improve. It is my most profound aspiration that all on the spectrum - young or old, ‘aspie’ or ‘HFA’, ‘severe’ or ‘mild’, verbal or non-verbal – can gain control over their lives, and stand proud, independent and self-respecting, able to accept help and support but also to refuse patronising ‘management’ by others, however well-meaning.

Because we are valuable human beings - not the ‘broken’ or ‘deficient’ substandard creatures that all too many obviously think we are - and worthy of taking charge of our lives in our own right.

Autistics and Fear

Many of us on the spectrum, especially at the ‘higher-functioning’ end, suffer life-long from ‘anxiety disorders’, spending a large part of our lives fretting about all manner of things – social, emotional, academic, work-related, etc, etc. I know that for a large part of my adult life, I probably met the criteria for some kind of ‘social anxiety disorder’, or ‘social avoidance disorder’ – the latter because I was trying to avoid the situations that sent my anxiety spiralling.

But let’s call this anxiety what it really is – FEAR. Fear of change, and new things that we’re not sure we can handle, so we refuse to try. Fear of making an error, or making a fool of oneself. Fear of ridicule, jeering, sneers, snubbing or bullying. Fear of tripping, either literally - our ‘clumsiness’ is often our curse - or figuratively, over other people’s unspoken expectations of us. Fear of our façade slipping, and people noticing our ‘weirdness’. Fear that other people will not want to know us, or be our friends. Fear of their anger or rejection. Often, just fear of other people, full stop. It is generally a constant background presence, nibbling away at our self-esteem. And sometimes this fear mutates into outright terror, which sees us frantically retreat into whatever refuge we can find. But at whatever level it manifests, it rules our lives. And ruins them, often.

Fear feeds our secret shame, and is fed by it. It lies behind our desperate attempts to construct that façade of the ‘imposter syndrome’. It arises from our pain, gives fuel to our anger, worsens our meltdowns, and propels us into ‘bridge-burning’. It keeps us ‘in hiding’ from the world, preventing us from trying new things that might benefit us, approaching people who might help us, asking the questions that we need to ask. It destroys our relationships, or prevents them even beginning. It can ruin friendships, whether budding or long-term. It’s a huge block to us having the lives we want, and deserve.

It’s my belief that the biggest thing we can do for ourselves, is to work on this fear. We may not ever be able to get rid of it entirely – I certainly haven’t – but we can reduce it to manageable levels, find ways to cope with what remains, and hopefully prevent those times when it spills over into sheer panic and terror. There are many ways to learn to handle our fears. I have found meditation works best for me. In the first few years after I began to meditate regularly, I went through a process of confronting my worst fears. I realised that what I was ultimately most afraid of was other people. It was a difficult time, yet ultimately rewarding, as by facing my fears, I began to dismantle their power over me. Even today, if I find my fears starting to ‘wind up’ again, putting more effort into my meditation is a key part of defusing them.

There are of course many other ways to confront and control our fears, and we each need to find what works best for us as individuals. Counselling and CBT, being more ‘up-front’ with people about our needs, lots of thorough preparation before facing new things, keeping a journal, writing poetry, painting or sculpting, dancing or listening to music, rigorous exercise, long solitary walks, being alone with nature, or – as a last resort, and if nothing else works – anti-anxiety medication. I have tried most of these at times (except the medication), and still use a lot of them regularly, along with meditation.

Yes, I know it’s hard, and I’m certainly not trying to minimise how difficult it’s likely to be. Our fears are HUGE, and often well-founded. But I feel it’s the one thing we can do, that’s within our control to change. We can’t change other people’s behaviour towards us – or very rarely – but we can change how we relate to the world, and change our lives for the better.