THEY DO IT BECAUSE THEY CAN

Like a lot of people, I’ve been watching the Black Lives Matter protests. What strikes me every time I see the clip of that cop kneeling on George Floyd’s neck, is how little he’s worried about being on camera. He’s watching the bystanders, sure, but only, it seems to me, to judge whether they’re a further threat. Being videoed kneeling on someone’s neck till he dies? Nope, not a worry.

Why? Because cops like him have done this, and worse, to many black or brown people in the past, and gotten away with it. And I bet that he’s not even that worried now, because even in the rare cases where charges are laid, cops usually get acquitted, or a minor punishment. He’ll be expecting the same. It’s not over yet, not by a long shot.

Because pretty much everything done ‘in the line of duty’ has been excused or overlooked by complicit police administrations, passive civil authorities, and a judicial system reluctant to believe any wrongdoing on the part of police, even when confronted with glaring evidence of it. And so they  assume they can get away with practically anything.

The signs are there, for anyone to read. There’s some kind of corruption of spirit – there’s no other way to describe it –  at the very heart of policing. They see themselves as ‘heroes’ fighting against ‘wrongdoers’, who can be pretty much anyone else. (But especially black and brown people, I believe.) The result, of course, is that police themselves have now become an enemy to many.

This ethos is so pervasive, it’s even in fiction. Watch any cop TV show or movie, read any detective novel, a cop will lie or beat up someone at some point. Or the heroes-against-the-world thing will pop up. ‘It’s hard being a cop, no-one else understands’. Etc, etc, etc. And bear in mind that these shows are usually sympathetic to the police. Yet even there, the corruption has become the almost-unremarked-upon norm. (And before anyone says it, yes, I can tell fiction from fact. My point is that it’s so widespread in fact, it’s permeated into fiction.)

A note here – I went on my fair share of protests and demonstrations, back in the day. I’ve seen cops insult or verbally abuse people, threaten violence, commit it, do various dirty tricks, and even lie in court. There was a time in my life when if I saw a cop in the street I’d want to vomit and run away. So even though I’m whiter-than-white, I’m not surprised at all the videos that have emerged in recent years, though I am angry. I back BLM two hundred percent.

However – though I’m not wanting to divert the spotlight away from the Black Lives Matter movement at all – that is NOT my intention here – it’s worth noting that there is a deeper problem, an underlying pattern, which is not limited to the interaction of cops with black and brown people.

I was reminded of this recently when watching a documentary on Harvey Weinstein, and how he preyed on women for years. And he’s only one of the many, many authority figures – religious leaders, politicians, sports coaches, psychotherapists, entertainment top-dogs, etc, etc, who have long targeted the young and vulnerable of both sexes. And then there’s the abuse or even murder of autistics and disabled, by those who are supposed to be caring for them. Or the (mis)treatment of psychiatric patients, or the homeless… the list goes on. Practically anyone ‘different’ or ‘powerless’ can be, and frequently has been, a target.

In all these cases, those doing this harm do it because they can.

Because they’ve gotten away with it over and over again, for years, decades, even centuries.

Because they were in a position of unquestioned, unassailable, and unchallenged authority.

Because their victims were perceived as ‘lesser than’, ‘defective’, and/or just plain unimportant, not even worthy of life in some cases.

Because those who could have stopped them did nothing, in fact chances were they’d done it themselves, and thus it was ‘business as usual’.

Because even if their transgressions came to light, and complaints were made, the word of the powerful was always taken over the complainants.

Because even if a complaint was upheld, the transgressions were seen as minor/unimportant, or their actions were ‘justifiable use of power’.  

Because their victims were silenced in various ways – through threats, coercion, money, or just being ignored or ridiculed.

So it was okay for cops to beat up or kill black people, or for them to harass or beat up homeless people and destroy or take their belongings (and heaven help those who are black and homeless), for entertainment moguls to put aspiring actresses through the ‘casting couch’ ordeal, for priests to molest children and then simply be moved on to another parish, for professionals to put autistics through various torturous processes to make them ‘normal’. And so on, and so on.

Because the victims weren’t, and often still aren’t, considered important. They’re ‘the other’, the ‘different’, the ‘lesser than’, not worthy of the same rights as ‘normal people’, and thus it doesn’t matter what happens to them. And in the case of some groups, such as black people and autistics (once again, heaven help those who are both these things), even a ‘threat’ of some kind which has to be obliterated. So that others of their ilk can be kept in line. Subservient. Uncomplaining. Knuckling under to the Powers That Be.

THEY DO IT BECAUSE THEY CAN.

This is an important point to remember. Because they can, and have, gotten away with it for a long, long, long time. This corruption isn’t only in the police, but at the core of every imbalance of power. It’s a sickness at the heart of a world where those with power simply assume they have the right to not only define ‘the other’, but to shape and control their very lives. Up to and including whether they even get to live or not.

But at a certain point, the oppressed have had enough. They see that nothing but their rebellion will stop it. And so they say ‘no more!’ Black Lives Matter says no more. The ‘Me Too’ movement says no more. Autistic Rights says no more. Social movements since the 50s and 60s – civil rights, feminism, gay liberation – say no more.

And that’s the whole point of these protests – that black people, along with their allies, have had more than enough. They’re saying that it’s way beyond time to make the oppressors get their foot, or their knee, off black necks. Literally and metaphorically. To end this sickness, and root out this corruption.

If you still don’t understand this, if you’re still into ‘all lives matter’, or going ‘well they shouldn’t riot’, then you have missed the point entirely, and you’re going to end up on the wrong side of history.

BECAUSE I CARE

I know I’ve said that I’d rather not write again about dealing with people with borderline personality disorder. But it seems that I still have some things I need to explain. I’m getting kind of tired of hearing that we mustn’t point out bad behaviour on the part of people with personality disorders, particularly Cluster B ones, because, y’know, it’s ‘demonising’ and ‘stigmatising’ and ‘ableist’ and all.

But it’s not stigmatising to stand up for victims of abuse. It’s not demonising to call out an individual or even a group on their negative behaviour patterns. It’s not ableist to point out that people with personality disorders are a high risk group for both abusing and being abused, precisely because of their disorder.* The very characteristics which cause them to either get a diagnosis, or for others to suspect they rate one, unfortunately predispose them to it. **

Because you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that people who have unstable emotions, a fear of abandonment and poor boundaries (borderline), or massive but frail egos (narcissist), or aggressive tendencies and lack of empathy (anti-social), are going to have problems relating to others. Even the desperate need for attention of those with histrionic, the lesser-known Cluster B disorder, could lay them open to abuse. I’ve also, sadly, seen many with personality disorders be abusive to some, but then get trampled on by others in turn.

But here’s the thing – people with personality disorders are entitled to support – but minimising and excusing bad behaviour is not the right sort of support. It’s no use complaining about being ‘stigmatised’, when it’s your very own behaviour that has created that stigma. People have become wary, and weary, of being victims of manipulation, abuse, angry tirades and distorted world-views. To try to ‘remove the stigma’ without addressing the ROOT CAUSES of it is to simply attempt to silence the victims of that behaviour.

Not to mention that I find it ironic when I get accused of ‘demonising’ by, for instance, someone with a personality disorder trying to bully another person into submission. Or I receive a message from another telling me how they’ve ‘changed so much’ – right in the middle of the kind of truth-twisting rant that proves, um, no, actually they haven’t. This kind of curious double-speak, or just self-dishonesty, leaves me unsure whether to laugh at the irony or just shake my head in weary disbelief.

The other accusation that’s come my way recently is that I’m uncaring and ‘lacking in empathy’ for those who have suffered the trauma/abuse/etc that created these disorders.

So let me make something clear – I very much do care.

I care about the whole world and its pain. I care about those who are abused or raped or tortured, about people dying in horrible wars, about First Nation peoples being deprived of their lands or culture or rights, about how so much of the world’s wealth is being hogged by greedy billionaires, about sexism and racism and classism and ageism and homophobia and transphobia and Islamophobia and anti-Semitism and every other prejudice and ‘ism’ you can name. I’m utterly opposed to oppression and hate of any kind, and want the world to be a much better place.

I know I can’t really heal the entire world, but if I could, I would. I’d put balm on all the wounded spirits, help the faltering, house the homeless, embrace the refugees, pick up those who have fallen… and I’d heal the environment too. I care because that’s who and what I am. Call it a ‘saviour complex’ if you like, or a ‘bleeding heart’, but this is me. It’s my nature to care. I don’t want anyone to feel pain or fear or loss, to suffer abuse or maltreatment of any kind, whether they’re on the spectrum or not, whether they have a personality disorder or not, or whatever else their life entails.

So yes, I care. I may choose not to associate with those of you with personality disorders because of my own past history, but I do care about the trauma you’ve suffered. No-one should have to go through that. No child should be abused, manipulated, neglected, and have their psyches twisted and damaged. It was seeing your pain, in part, that kept me in a relationship for nearly ten years, and more long months in a toxic ‘friendship’. But ultimately, it was the results of that which also drove me away. Because there is only so much an individual can take.

And I know you better than you think. (From this point on, I’m going to talk only about borderliners, because that’s the condition I’m most familiar with. But those who’ve been closely associated with other personality disorders can perhaps tell a similar story.)

I’ve seen your pain, and how it drives you to lash out. I’ve seen your terror of abandonment that makes you push away the very people you want to hang on to. I’ve seen your bone-deep anger that conceals an even deeper misery. I know that buried somewhere inside you, is a small child who knew something wasn’t right, but who got all kinds of messages that told you otherwise, till you were overwhelmed and lost your sense of self and safety. I’ve seen how you flounder around, trying desperately to compensate for not having a solid psychological base. I’ve seen the abyss within you, even when you were/are too afraid to face it yourself.

And most importantly, I’ve seen that on a very deep level, you’re not happy. It’s not called a ‘disorder’ simply because mental health professionals like to slap labels on you. You are ‘dis-ordered’, your true self compromised when you were so young that you don’t even realise how damaged you are, how dysfunctional your connections to others are, how twisted your basic assumptions about the world/life/other people are. You don’t seem to get just how much your style of personal interaction is neither normal or desirable. Not to mention that you are a high risk group for suicide, or, more likely, simply dying old and bitter and alone.

And that’s the true sadness of your condition, not the so-called ‘stigma’.

But here’s the cruncher – having a personality disorder is not something you simply have to accept. It’s not something to hang an identity on, but a problem that needs to be addressed. It’s not set in stone - though it can be stubborn - and you CAN heal from it. And I want that for you. I want you to be healed. I want you to burrow down into that deep well of long-held sorrow, to root out the pain and trauma, to lance the long-festering wounds in your psyche, to experience psychological ‘disinfecting’ and healing. I wish this for you.

But, rather like an alcoholic, you must first admit there’s a problem, before you can work on it. I assure you that I’m not minimising the difficulties of this path. It will be long and hard, and depending on your location and resources, therapy might be out of your reach. This doesn’t mean that you can’t work on challenging and changing yourself. Taking responsibility for your words and actions, and the results of them on others, is an essential start. Not assuming that those who dare to challenge you are prejudiced, demonising, ableist, don’t understand you or your condition, etc, etc, is also essential. Consider that others might understand you all too well, but that you’re not listening to what they’re trying to tell you. Understand also that just because your BEHAVIOUR is bad, doesn’t mean that we think YOU are bad. You’re simply damaged – but the damage can be healed.

You don’t – you really, really don’t - have to live life at the mercy of your tempestuous emotions, your fear and anger and compulsions. You CAN have a calmer, more stable and fulfilling life and relationships. It IS possible. But you won’t get it by sitting back and complaining about ‘stigma’, without doing the work. Nor will you get it by gathering in PD groups to commiserate about how ‘misunderstood’ you are. I want you to challenge yourself, and others with PDs, to begin the long road to a better life. Because I believe you can do it.

And I want you to be healed.

I want you to be healed. I don’t think I can emphasise this enough.

I want you to be healed. For your sake, and for the sake of those around you.

I want us all to be healed.

I want a better world. For all of us. For everyone.

BECAUSE I CARE.

Never doubt it.

___________________________

*Re ‘disorders’ - it’s true that autism itself has long been considered a ‘disorder’, but we now know it’s not. And something genetic and inborn in us, that’s ultimately simply a different kind of brain, is obviously nothing like emotional damage acquired through traumatic experiences.

**I’m aware that many autistics are misdiagnosed with different personality disorders, probably in all the Clusters. Reading some of the Cluster A descriptions, for instance, is like reading a textbook list of autistic traits. And I know also that those who do have a personality disorder may also may have a second one, or other mental health issues, eg depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc, which can of course complicate things.

On Being Comfortable In My Own Skin

Not many people know this, but I’ve kept journals on and off since my teen years. However I’ve recently realised that in all of them, I’ve been simply repeating the same thing in different ways – “I am what I am, this is me, I’m different, I’m different, and I cannot change.” And of course spilling out all the pain and trauma of trying to live in a world that just isn’t meant for people like me, not to mention the self-hatred, depression, shame, imposter syndrome, and sense of being ‘out of place’ that arose in turn out of that.

I tried tackling these issues through various routes over many years. I tried self-esteem and assertiveness training classes, peer support groups, various counsellors and psychologists, communication skills classes, meditation, self-help programs, and of course lots and LOTS of reading, but all to no avail. I still felt like the lowest of the low. My journal was often the only place I felt no-one would judge or condemn me for being ‘different’, the only place I felt I could be my true self.

But I’ve now reached a stage in my life where I have found that privately repeating the same old same old isn’t actually helping anymore, and instead my urge is to take what I know and feel out to the world at large. Journaling has transmuted into sharing with trusted friends in small groups or private chat, comments on various posts, or, most especially, the rough scrawling notes which I later compile into blog posts like this. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point, and there have been several pivotal steps along the way. The main ones have been -

1) Finding the autistic community. If I hadn’t found the autistic community (as opposed to the ‘autism community’), I would have gone on feeling like an error on the human production line, and that what I believed were my defects were something I had to hide for fear of rejection. I would probably have refused to even identify as autistic, because the official criteria for them just wouldn’t have seemed to fit. What, me, that terrible, almost sub-human creature they describe? No way.

But I did find it. And though I’m no longer rosy-spectacled about it, and will readily acknowledge that it’s far from perfect, nonetheless, it’s a damn sight better than nothing at all. Without it, I was lost in a social wilderness, stumbling and crashing my way through the world, feeling like a fool. But in our community I found for the first time people who thought, felt and acted like me, people who didn’t think I was weird or stupid or laughable. In fact some of them seemed to actually like me! Want to know me! This still sparks amazement, but also the warmth that only comes from having true friends for the first time in my life.

Even so, it’s taken over a decade of support and acceptance from my fellow autistics for this to truly sink in. For the damage of earlier years to be undone, and the messages of autistic pride and neurodiversity to seep down into the deepest layers of my subconscious. I think that even after I found the community, on some level I was still ashamed of being autistic, of being ‘different’. But over time, my attitude has been steadily transformed into “this is me, this is who I am, and if you don’t like it, feel free to go find someone whose company you like better!”

I do appreciate that not all of us have the freedom yet to do this, be like this. I hope that someday we all can. And nor am I going to claim that any of this is easy, or that I’ve magically learnt the secret of ‘loving myself’ that so many people have tried to tell me was so important. Rather, I’ve realised that you don’t need to ‘love yourself’ in order to reach a point where you stop and look at all the negativity that comes your way simply for being yourself, and think “you know what? This is rubbish.” I am what I am. We are what we are. We cannot be anything other. So what’s the use of flagellating ourselves for simply being ourselves? Self-loving isn’t necessary. Self-respect is.

And let’s note here that this also extends to all our co-occurring conditions, such as Executive Dysfunction, Sensory Processing Difficulty, sleep irregularities, alexithymia, etc. I used to feel a lot of shame around these, but after years of struggle, I’ve simply accepted that I have problems with things like organising myself and my time/belongings, sleeping regular hours, coping with various sensory inputs, and recognising what I’m feeling. I’ve learnt that it’s okay to be different, to have different needs, and to do whatever’s necessary to accommodate them. And to stand up for myself when people try to tell me otherwise.

2) Exploring new identities around gender and sexual expression. In the last couple of years, I’ve discovered there are actually new ways to describe how I connect to others, how I am in relationships, and how I define my inner self. Realising that I’m non-binary and almost certainly aromantic and demi-sexual has helped me clarify that my feelings around connection are not flaws I should overcome, but simply part of who I am.

And once again, the understanding that I’m not alone, that there are actually labels for all the feelings I had no words for, has helped relieve a lot of stress. I’m finding another community, one that often overlaps with the autistic one, and no, it’s not all about younger generations or being ‘trendy’, as if identities were like fashions. It’s about deep ways of being, and some of us older ones are finding a new peace and self-confidence in realising that we’re just not into romance, or that we need to get to know someone before becoming intimate, and that this intimacy may not include sex, that friendships can be just as powerful and important as sexual/romantic relationships. Being single is not an inferior state, and Romance is not necessarily the pinnacle of human connection.

3) Taking back my personal power. This has been perhaps the biggest step of all, and I couldn’t have done it without the previous ones. My whole life, it seems, I’ve been pushed around, dominated, bullied, manipulated, dumped on, scorned or belittled or outright abused. Over and over again, people have told me what to do, what to say, what not to say or do, how I should live my life, what opinions I should express and how, what I should or shouldn’t eat, what labels I should or shouldn’t put on myself, what I should write about, even how I should dress or walk or stand. And sad to say, I mostly put up with it, either because I was scared, or didn’t know how to stop it, or thought it was normal, or even that I deserved it.

But I’m tired of being pushed around, and I refuse to let anyone do it anymore. I refuse to put up with anyone telling me what to do, whether it’s a bully on a Facebook post trying to excuse other bullies’ behaviour, a martyr mommy telling me that I should shut up because I don’t understand what a ‘burden’ autistic kids are, someone sending me messages simultaneously putting me down and telling me what to do, a health professional telling me to eat foods I loathe or that I ‘don’t need’ vitamin supplements, or an obnoxious person in a public carpark trying to boss me around.

That’s not to say that all my old habits and reactions have completely disappeared. A lifetime of patterns of please-and-placate, submission-and-appeasement, aren’t easy to get rid of. There are frequent ‘knee-jerk’ reactions, but they’re getting weaker, and after a moment my new patterns of thought kick in and cancel the old ones out. I’m getting better and better at this business of standing up for myself, even if this simply means walking away from confrontation, or blocking toxic people. These can be acts of self-respect too. And this change is, I hope, the final shift, the final throwing off of the traces that once kept me bound, the last foundation stone of a life where I don’t have to hate myself, feel ashamed of myself, feel weak and powerless and stupid, and so on.

Anyway, this is where I’m at, right now. So much more comfortable in my own skin, and with the public expressions I have, that I don’t need a private outlet for negative feelings anymore. I can simply be, be myself, with all my faults and idiosyncrasies, but still a person worthy of life, worthy of expressing myself, worthy of a space in the world.

And so are all of you.