I'm Tired of People Defining Me

I’m tired of people trying to define me. My whole life, people have been telling me who and what I am, how I should act or react, and how I should live my life.

It started very young. When I complained about bright lights or strong smells or loud noises, they told me “it’s not that bad”, and I should “stop being such a whinger”. When I was a teenager, I was told I “shouldn’t be so anti-social”, and I should “just make friends”, as though this was easy. If I tried to say I couldn’t do something, I was told that “of course” I could do it, and that I was just being “unco-operative”.

If I wore certain clothes that I felt comfortable in, I was either ridiculed or pressured into wearing more “fashionable” clothes. I was told that my behaviour was “rude” and “un-ladylike”, and that I must be “nicer” to people, especially men. Later, after I became a feminist and came out, a different bunch of women let me know I was expected to be a “right-on-sister” instead - a different set of expectations, but no let-up.

My differences were cast as personal flaws or deficiencies, and I was told that I just needed to “try harder”. They would tell me to “just relax” and “be myself”, but when I did, they said “not like THAT!” If I expressed my real feelings or thoughts, people told me I was weird, or that “nobody” felt like that, and that I needed to “shape up my ideas” or “get real”. Or they would tell me I “must” feel such-and-such, or have this or that neurosis, because of my behaviour or attitudes. I was told I should “speak up more”, or that I was talking too much and should let others have a turn. I was “too quiet” or “too loud”, “unfriendly” or “clingy” or “nosy”, and on and on. No-one, it seemed, was quite content with me, no matter what I did.

My (now-ex!) partner would oh-so-confidently explain to me what I “really” felt. Or that what I felt “wasn’t normal”, that it was symptomatic of all that was wrong with me, and that if only I listened to her and did what she told me to do, and became what she told me to be, all would be well. She told me exactly what sort of person I was, and what my faults were, in great detail. According to her, I was a terrible lover, a lousy friend, a bad mother and, she implied, deficient even as a human being.

When I became ill, some thought I was “just being lazy”, or a “piker”. Even when I finally got diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, it didn’t stop. There was the alternative healer who told someone else that it was a “pity” I’d been diagnosed, implying I’d use it as an “excuse” to “wallow” in my illness. And the counsellor who asked one day why didn’t I “just go for a run round the block?” This same counsellor also once spent almost an entire session ripping into me for being on a benefit. It became obvious she had a low opinion of beneficiaries, and me for being one.

Even those who accepted the diagnosis and meant well, would tell me I needed to “just take this seawater solution”, or do this or that pet therapy of theirs, or some other “miracle” cure, or “just think positively”. Or that the vitamins I was taking were “just expensive pee”, always without asking me what worked for me.

And then I discovered Asperger's and autism, and oh look, another lot of definitions. The ‘experts’ solemnly pronounced me incapable of empathy, of having emotions, of understanding others or even myself, of being able to relate to others or be a good parent, etc, etc, etc. It seemed that, once again, I was a deficient creature, barely even a human being, in the eyes of others who had never even met me.

Being autistic and physically disabled aren’t the only things about me which others have used to try and define me of course. Religions have tried to reduce my innate sexuality to a mere “lifestyle choice”, and tell me that I’m a “sinner”, and even claim, as one NZ religious leader has, that gays cause earthquakes (no, I’m not kidding).

Men have tried to ‘mansplain’ things to me, told me I “should smile more”, or suggested I “don’t understand” how the world works. Able-bodied people have tried to ‘able-splain’, in the same patronising fashion, without bothering to find out first what I actually already know or don’t know. Or they’ve treated me as if I was mentally deficient, again without bothering to find out anything about me.

Sometimes even other autistics don’t understand me, their image of me seems to be incomplete, or even totally wrong, like the one who told me I was a “man-hater”, when I challenged his sexism. It never seems to end.

But my feeling now is – NO.

NO.

Enough.

I’ve had enough of this. I refuse to allow my life, my very self, to be defined by anyone else, ever again. I am what I am, and that’s good enough for me. And it’s just going to have to be good enough for the world too.

Everyone has their bottom line, the point beyond which they won’t and can’t go, and this is mine.

I don’t mean I’m going to go around wildly starting arguments or pushing anything on anyone. I do mean I will stand my ground, and no longer allow others to define me, to tell me what I am or should be or how I should live my life. I will back off, but I won’t back down.

This is me. The real me, as defined by me. Get used to it.

God, Religion, and Atheism

I have some trepidation writing this, as I fear I may offend some, but recent events, as I’ve said, have compelled me to lay out plainly what I believe. In no way am I trying to ‘convert’ anyone here, or ‘dis’ anyone for believing what I cannot.

I say ‘cannot’, because though I have never been and never will be an atheist, I find more and more that I am largely in agreement with them on many points. Most especially, on the absurdities just about all religions would have us accept as ‘Truth’. Anyone expecting me to believe in such blatant nonsense as virgin births or the world being created in seven days (no-one’s ever explained to me why The Almighty was in such a tearing hurry), will have their work cut out. I believe in evolution, rationality, the workings of reason, and the findings of science. And no, I certainly don’t see that as incompatible with my bone-deep spirituality.

Now some would have us believe a lot of this nonsense simply because “it’s in the Bible” (or some other Holy Book), and that that document is ‘God-given’, Sacred Word Never To Be Questioned. Sorry, but no. Though the Bible (the religious book I am best acquainted with, and yes, I have read it, all the way through) has many lyrical and spiritually moving passages, it also has plenty that is, well, less than inspiring (all those boring begats), or even violent. It’s a human document, and even the most inspired passages have had to be filtered through human minds, with all the prejudices and limitations of their times, and written down by human hands, in language they felt others would understand. Not to mention it’s now known to have had several ‘revisions’. It can be beautiful, but it’s not perfect. Not even close.

I see no more reason to believe in these ancient Jewish myths of creation, etc, or whatever stories the early Christian leaders dreamed up to ‘prove’ the divinity of Jesus, than I would literally believe the Maori legend that Maui fished up the North Island, or in mythical Chinese dragons, or Irish tales about Finn McCool. If I ever did subscribe to such fabulist tales, I outgrew them along with the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and Santa Claus. I can understand people believing in those things in a more credulous and superstitious age, but surely nowadays we know better.

On the other hand, my feeling is that when atheists discard God along with religious ideas and concepts of God, they’re throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Forget, for example, that antiquated image of an Old Man with a long white beard, sitting on a throne on a cloud, up in some mythical heaven, waiting to thunder down retribution on those who ‘sin’. The Infinite Power is so much more than such limited, prejudice- and dogma-ridden ideas.

I find it hard to delineate exactly how I perceive God, as there are no limits on Its nature. It’s the underpinning of the Universe, the Matrix that holds it together, the Source of All Things, the Energy that runs through us all, and the True Nature of all of us. We all come from this Source, and will return to it in the end. A spark of it is in each of us, usually slumbering, sometimes burning bright, often seeking, though for what, the seeker often doesn’t know. God is present in mountains and trees, birds and fishes, oceans and stars, in everything and even in the spaces between. God is present in you and me. God is.

God is Infinite Love. Unconditional, immense, limitless love. Most people have no idea how huge that love is. I have touched the merest fringe of it, just a few times, and each time it blew me away. I had always ‘believed’ before, from then on I knew. God is also Infinite Wisdom, lovingly guiding us and supporting us through the trials of our lives, in ways we usually don’t see. God can be seen as impersonal, a Force or Power, or in a more personal way, as the Perfect Father or Mother (The Infinite is beyond gender), the most wonderfully supporting Best Friend, or whatever else you want. And The Infinite will wait for you until you’re ready. There’s no hurry. (I also believe in reincarnation and karma, so I know we don’t have to rush to ‘get it all done’ in this lifetime.)

Moreover, I believe that God doesn’t judge. Humans judge, humans define ‘sin’, usually to suit themselves, and set themselves up as judge, jury and executioner for those who ‘transgress’. They forget that God is Love, and make all sorts of claims to ‘knowing’ what God wants or thinks eg, ‘God hates homosexuals’, which subsequently sees them descend into morasses of twisted, hate-ridden thinking and even violence. Such people are as far from truly being ‘one with God’ as a worm is from the sky. The Infinite may see some of our actions (most especially those that hurt ourselves or other people) as less than perfect, but It created each of us exactly as we are, and loves us just as we are. Without condition. God created me aspie, female, gay, creative, Kiwi, spiritual, and just a little bit geeky. I’m content with that, it’s a pity so many don’t accept what the Divine Power intended me/us to be.

Some people may decide, after having read the above, that I am ‘anti-religion’, or anti ‘their’ religion. Let me make myself clear. The only things I am ‘anti’ are hatred, bigotry, prejudice, persecution, abuse, oppression, violence and deliberate stupidity. (By which I don’t mean the intellectually disabled, but the attitudes of those who have a fully functional brain and don’t use it, preferring instead to spout reactionary prejudices, regurgitated dogma, or the latest ‘party line’.)

There’s much more I could say, but I think this post is long enough!! Perhaps I’ll say more another day.

How Not to Respond to Criticism

Recently I was foolish enough to get embroiled in a Facebook discussion about some aspects of religion (this has happened to me before, you’d think I’d know better by now). I dared to suggest that someone’s beloved faith has a less than perfect history, and got duly dumped on as a result. I’m still reeling somewhat from that, and still annoyed at the idiocy of some of their arguments (eg that it’s atheists who exclusively start wars). However, it’s not that they disagreed with me that still bugs me, but the way they did so.

So call me an aspie perfectionist, but in my book, the mature response if something or someone you love is criticized, is to stop, reflect, and investigate if there is any truth to it. And if there is, to do what you can to correct this, if possible. This applies whether you’re talking about a beloved partner who has done something wrong, or a religious body that proves to have a less than perfect history. It is I believe the responsibility and the right of the members of that body to do their utmost to correct these past (and present) sins, and/or see to it that their leadership atones appropriately for them. (Those outside it can of course point out its faults, and resist any social/political changes those bodies are trying to achieve, but the actual job of correction falls to those inside.) Doing so does not mean having to leave their religion – they might still see much of worth in it, and prefer to correct rather than reject.

That’s what I consider a ‘mature’ response. Here’s how not to respond to criticism (most of these were used on me) –

1) “You must be ‘anti-us’” - therefore anything the critic says can be dismissed, because nothing they say could possibly have any validity whatsoever.

2) “You’re a [fill in any type of personal invective]” – insult their intelligence, their intellectual rigour (“You must get your factoids off the Net”), their moral integrity, their personal worth (“Where did you find such ‘friends’, X?”), etc, etc. This, along with 1), is the modern version of “if you don’t like the message, shoot the messenger”.

3) “It didn’t happen.” A point-blank denial of the events or phenomena the critic points out, regardless of the evidence.

4) “It happened, but it wasn’t us who did it.” Again, regardless of any evidence to the contrary. A variation on this is “It was a rogue element within our body that did it.” No responsibility taken, in other words.

5) “It didn’t happen to many.” The ‘minimisation of numbers’ game is an excellent distraction, which effectively bogs down the critic in trying to ‘prove’ their statistics, and totally misses the main point – ie that it happened at all.

6) “It wasn’t that bad.” A similar minimization and distracting tactic, this time re the effects. “It was a long time ago” is a variation on this.

These tactics and attitudes do neither the religious body or the individuals concerned any favours whatsoever. It means a kind of corrosion of the soul sets in for both. Harmful attitudes can continue to be perpetuated, and new and perhaps different wrongs committed. Something begins to stink in the state of Denmark, to paraphrase the Bard. Such denials and suppression of truths are among the many factors that drive people away from the churches in droves, and diminish any respect they might still have in the eyes of the population in general.

Facing truths, on the other hand, however hard, and dealing with past (and present) wrongs within a body or institution (whether religious or not) has the same effect on the issues as fresh air and cleanliness do on physical wounds – ie to promote healing, and strengthen the body involved.

I can understand the initial knee-jerk reaction of denial or anger – no-one is perfect, and it’s natural to want to think the institutions we love “would never do such awful things!” - but I feel it’s up to those who have been challenged, after that initial reaction, to look at these issues honestly, and most especially not to respond with furious insults, rigid dogma, and manipulative tactics. Obviously in this instance, they failed to do so.

Mysticism and Me

Ages ago I said I would write more sometime on my spiritual views. I’ve not done so, because a) there’s been so much else to write about, and b) I’d hate, as I’ve said before, for anyone to feel I’m ‘pushing’ my views on them. However, lately some events have propelled me into doing so.

The first of these was finding a book in my local library on mysticism. It looked interesting, so I took it home, but I wasn’t prepared to find that my concept of ‘mysticism’ was awry. I had a vague concept of ‘mystics’ as the sort of people who deliberately made their body of ‘spiritual’ knowledge obscure or secret, so as to seem more mysterious and powerful than in fact they were. To me, therefore, ‘mysticism’ was the practise of a lot of mumbo-jumbo, self-serving bull.

In fact, I found, mystics are those who seek to approach God/The Divine Power directly, rather than through intermediaries such as churches, priests, ministers, imams, rabbis, etc. Their methods of doing this have varied – meditation, prayer, sacred dances or trances, certain drugs – but the central theme is clear. There have been mystics since the days of the prehistoric shamans, and they still exist today. Some people simply prefer to have not a conception of God (ie an idea), but a perception – ie a direct experience.

Sometimes they were, at least nominally, members of one religion or another – there have been Christian, Jewish and Islamic mystics – but this didn’t mean they were exempt from the persecution and hostility heaped on mystics over the millennia, as they of course threatened the power of those intermediaries over their ‘flocks’.

                     

I am a mystic too, I realized. Through meditation, prayer, and trying consciously to live my life according to my spiritual principles, I have sought to establish, maintain and strengthen a direct relationship with the Divine. I neither need nor want a church, minister, whoever, telling me what to do, or ‘what God wants’, or how I should live. I outgrew formal religion about the same time as I became a fully-functioning adult, but have never seriously considered not having a connection to the Infinite. I am a spiritual being, it is who and what I am.

And as a spiritually-minded aspie, mysticism suits me – I always like to ‘go to the source’, to go deeper into things, to not just accept ‘Received Truths’, but to find out for myself. I doubt I will go round telling people I’m a ‘mystic’ – although I have included it on my Facebook page in the space for ‘religion’ – but it’s nice to know I’m part of a long, long tradition of like-minded people.

I hope to say more about my spiritual views in further posts.

A word or two on spirituality and religion

The Xmas rush (and post-indulgence recovery!) means I haven’t posted here for a while, but I have been thinking about it a lot – most especially, I was planning a post explaining my spiritual views. But something held me back – and then I realized what it was. It’s that I don’t want to be seen as ‘pushing’ my views on anyone else, or trying to ‘convert’ them, as all too many try to do. I am firmly of the belief that everyone is on their very own spiritual Path – whether they are part of a formal religion, follow a private spiritual practise, are atheists, agnostics, sceptics or disbelievers, or even one of those who consider spiritual matters so rarely that they have no firm opinion at all!

Note, I say ‘spiritual’ Path, not ‘religious’, because there is definitely a difference. Religion is the outward trappings, the ‘holy books’ and the prescribed beliefs, the hierarchies and the buildings, the symbols and the services. It’s what can be pointed to. Spirituality, on the other hand, is the inward convictions, the relationship you have – or don’t have – with God. It’s what’s in your heart. You can’t see it, but without it, the rest is meaningless. 

Now, I do recognise there can be some good in organised religions. Many find comfort, support and social networks through them, yet others a set of beliefs that fit with their own inner convictions. Many religions also do good through charitable works. But there is so much that is less than good, to put it mildly, and that’s without going into the dire and deplorable history of every religion on the planet. It’s not surprising that so many are turned off religion, spirituality, and God, altogether.

For the record, I believe in God, or rather I believe in the Divine Power. But the Divine Power I believe in is one of Unconditional Love, who created us and loves us, just as we are. Narrow-minded judgementalism and purse-lipped condemnation are no part of the God I embrace. If someone who claims to be ‘close to God’ is full of hatred and anger, if they commit acts of violence - whether it’s picketing and harassing women going for abortions, blowing up abortion clinics or murdering abortion doctors, detonating suicide bombs, flying planes into buildings, blowing up buses, burning fiery crosses in someone’s front yard, or simply harassing, attacking and excluding others for believing or living differently - they are, in my humble opinion, no more ‘close to God’ than a worm is close to the sky. Fundamentalists and fanatics of all kinds more than leave me cold, they make me shiver. They are the most dangerous people on the planet, bar none.

So… maybe I’ll say more about what I believe some other time. For now, suffice to say it’s a funny old world where someone like myself, with feet set so firmly on the spiritual Path, should so frequently find myself agreeing with atheists and the like (except of course on the existence of God), simply because they more often come across as sane, rational, logical, sensible and scientific – while the established religions (who share my belief in God) for the most part …do not. 

It seems that in the spiritual area, I am just as much an individualistic, contrary Aspie as I am in other areas of my life. Huh. Yep, it’s a funny old world all right.

Some Pet Peeves of mine

1.) Muzak. This will be no surprise to some of my friends! But truly, going into a supermarket or shopping mall is enough of a sensory-intensive experience, without adding a layer of jangly music to the cacophony. It wouldn’t be so bad if they played decent music, but instead it’s endless re-runs of Abba and Rod Stewart (who I never thought was any good as a singer the first time round), the best they ever seem to manage is the occasional bit of John Denver. And don’t get me even started on Xmas muzak, or the muzak they blast your ears with when you ring some company and they put you on endless hold, only interrupting it now and again to tell you how much they value your custom… If they really valued it, they’d put more people on their phones, but that’s another story.

2.) Religious ‘hawkers’. I mean the people who come to your door and try and ‘sell’ their religion to you. First of all, it’s a sort of invasion of spiritual privacy. I don’t come to their door trying to push what I believe on them, and I object to them coming to my door and trying to push their beliefs on me. Secondly, spirituality is, I believe, a deeply personal, private relationship between you and God. Touting your beliefs door to door like a set of encyclopaedias or Rawleigh’s cleaning products cheapens this relationship, in my view. (Salespeople don’t come to your door selling encyclopaedias anymore do they? Am I showing my age?)

3.) Phone salespeople. Aargh! Why do these people always ring when you are trying to cook dinner! Or eat it. But that’s just part of the irritation. I truly object to being rung out of the blue by someone trying to sell me timeshares in Gold Coast resorts, or get me to contribute to some charity. If I wanted to buy such things (supposing I had the funds), or contribute to that charity, I’d be doing it already, thank you very much. Goodbye. Slam phone down. Grrrr! 

4.) Housework. Whatever man dreamed up the idea that women should do all the housework was as cunning as a weasel. Seriously, there is something about possession of a womb that makes you more capable of cleaning a toilet? And they can send a man to the moon and invent the Internet, but can’t put together a decent robot to do the housework? If men had to do it, that robot would have been invented 300 or even 3000 years ago, trust me.

I’m sure there’s more. But that will do for now. Venting done.