What NT's Get Wrong About Us - Or The Art of Tightrope Walking

It’s become more and more obvious to me that many NTs really DON’T understand those on the spectrum. Even when they think they do. They misinterpret us, usually to our detriment and their puzzlement. This isn’t always entirely their fault, as often no-one has really explained to them how our minds work.

But other times, and all too often, it’s because they try to interpret us according to NT standards of behaviour, ie they see us doing something, and assume that we are doing it for the same reasons, and in the same way, that they and/or other NTs would do it. It’s an unconscious assumption, but a crucial one nonetheless.

A typical example is the many possible reasons why we don’t make eye contact. It’s very rarely for the reason that NTs assume, ie that we “aren’t interested in other people”.

But a bigger and far more important fallacy is the one surrounding social skills. There seems to be this underlying assumption that once we learn social skills, we’re set. That it’s like learning to ride a bike, or read, or bring a spoon to your mouth – ie, a skill almost automatic once learnt.

When actually social interaction, for us, is more like tightrope walking. By this I mean that even when the skills are thoroughly learnt, we still have to pay 150% of our attention to the task throughout, or risk one heck of a fall. Literally every step has to be made v-e-r-y carefully, total concentration, often difficult when there is lots of ‘audience noise’ (eg background chatter). It is, in essence, a performance.

This means when I’m interacting with NTs, I have a kind of running commentary inside my head, something like this – “Oh, they’ve said hello, okay, say hello back, they’re looking at me expectantly, oh yeah I say xyz next, phew, that went over okay, oh now they’ve replied, what do I say next, try abc, oh and remember to get the body language and voice tone right, yes, that was right, cool, and they’ve replied to that, here we go, try this…” And on and on, a pretty much constant and conscious process.

NOW do you understand why autistics describe social interaction as ‘hard work’?!

I don’t in fact think of  these tactics as ‘social skills’. Rather, I think of them as ‘scripts’, rather like those an actor uses. Inside my head, I have a sort of mental library or vast filing cabinet, called “Appropriate Things to Say and Do, and How To Say and Do Them”. It’s full of ‘folders’ for each situation or context, and I am constantly accessing the scripts they contain.

There are few situations now that I have absolutely no script for, and if faced with one I can usually cobble something together from other scripts. And yet I still get it wrong, many a time. When I do, it’s usually because I’ve accessed the wrong ‘folder’, usually through tiredness or stress, though sometimes it’s because I’ve misread a situation, or simply don’t get the body language etc right. And sometimes I just forget, and blurt out stuff without putting it through the mental filter first.

And remember that I’ve spent decades polishing my social skills. When I was younger, and probably for many autistics now, the internal dialogue went more like this – “Oh they’ve said hello, okay say hello back… uh, now what… *BLANK*…. Oh yeah say how are you…. *BLANK* …Um, um, um… *BLANK BLANK BLANK*…. *blurt out something stupid*…” And so on. My mental filing cabinet was small, and with very few folders in it.

Another comparison I sometimes use is to the task of someone negotiating their way through a minefield. Once again, even if well-trained and with the right equipment, 100% of concentration is required, or something will blow up in your face.

And I can’t emphasise enough that this has NOTHING to do with whether or not we like someone, or like people in general, or want to get to know them or be friends with them or not. It’s simply a matter of how polished our scripts are (or how good our mine detection skills are), what scripts we can access easily or correctly, and what might get in the way of using those scripts the best we know how.

So I say to NTs – if we make a social mistake, please don’t get hostile. We’ve accessed the wrong script, or don’t have one for that situation, or something is interfering with our ability to use what we do know. Please, don’t jump to assumptions that we’re doing it for the same reason/s that you or another NT would.

And to other autistics I say, don’t beat yourself up if you make a social blunder or don’t know what to say or do in any situation. We can’t use what we don’t know, or use what we do know well under stress. And honestly, apart from the basic stuff of politeness such as hello, goodbye, please, thank you, waiting your turn etc, I really don’t think we should be putting TOO much effort into learning these skills, unless you really want to of course. I did so for too many years, and it really didn’t help me that much in the long run.

Social skills can be useful, but they’re not the be-all and end-all of making our way in the world. We have far, far more important things to focus on, than whether or not we say ‘hi how are you’ in the right place and the right way.

The Dishonesty of NTs

I don’t want anyone getting me wrong here – this is not an anti-NT rant. I don’t do such things, not even in my worst and most frustrated moments. That would be doing a disservice to the many NTs I love dearly. Not to mention that I don’t believe that autistics are superior overall to NTs, anymore than I believe that NTs are superior to me/us. Rather, we have strengths in different areas, and in our thinking and approach to the world and life and other people, we’re simply, totally, completely and overwhelmingly different.

And it’s one aspect of that difference I want to explore here, as I attempt to get to grips with something that’s long puzzled me about NT behaviour. Namely, their dishonesty. Or what seems like dishonesty to us.

Note, I’m not talking here about those blatant acts of dishonesty – theft, shop-lifting, burglary, fraud, embezzlement, con-artistry, espionage, treason, and so on - that get punished by the law, and rejected by most NTs even, and rightly so. Nor do I mean the deliberate but not usually illegal deceptions of negative intent – the cheating spouse, the manipulative workmate, the political trickster. I’m talking, rather, about the little acts of social dishonesty.

I’ve come to realise that NTs, unlike us, place ‘getting along with others’ way, way, way ahead of ‘telling it like it is’. So they will do all sorts of little fudgings of the truth in service of that, where we would just blurt things out – and then get jumped on for being ‘rude’, ‘insensitive’, etc. As we almost never intend this, we end up confused and even hurt. What, we wonder, did we do wrong? Why is the truth so bad?

Anyway, here’s something of a guide to the various kinds of social dishonesty (though they wouldn’t call it that) I’ve seen NTs doing.

Phrasing things politely. This is using diplomatic versions of the truth, to soften harsh messages. So people will say that so-and-so is “a bit upset”, by something, when in fact they threw a tantrum, or are bawling their eyes out. Always take a message like this as a huge understatement – the truth is almost certain to be far worse than the literal words. Phrases like “a bit”, “kind of”, or “somewhat” are red flags for this sort of dishonesty. Even between aspies, I’ve seen this one trip some of us up.

Euphemisms. This is a variation on polite phrasing, where softer expressions are used to blunt harsh realities, eg saying that someone has “passed away” rather than simply “died”. I have often used these myself, finding them either less likely to cause offence, or just kinder. Or more bearable – eg when referring to my mother’s recent passing. It has its place therefore, but too much of it is like constantly wearing cotton wool in your ears – you start to feel like everything is a bit muffled.

Circling the truth. Basically, this involves verbal beating round and round the bush, till you’re not even certain what the heck the bush is. I have always found this extremely difficult to cope with. I’m still not sure what the point of it is, other than a kind of super-politeness, or maybe not wanting to commit to saying the truth, but if you’re faced with someone who never clearly states what is it that they want, or are trying to say, circling is likely what they’re doing. My recommendation is, be blunt. Ask straight out what they mean. It tends to disconcert people, sometimes annoy them, and even then you don’t always get a straight answer, but at least the issue is out in the open. And that’s got to be far less anxiety-provoking for you.

The little white lie. Years ago, my then-partner told me about a previous flatmate of hers, who fancied a guy who was obviously gay, something she refused to acknowledge, even once saying to my ex “people say so-and-so is gay, but he’s not, is he?” My ex’s private thought was that the guy was as camp as a row of pink tents, but she agreed no, he wasn’t. This is the ‘nice’ lie, to spare someone’s feelings and supposedly not harmful, though I have my doubts. How can not facing up to the truth be harmful? How long would that woman have gone on deluding herself this guy was potentially available? And how hurt would she have been, in the end?

 If you do hear someone telling one of these white lies, however, it’s best not to barge in with the truth. These situations often needs delicate handling, and are best left alone by those as socially clumsy as we aspies. Of course if someone asks you outright, they should know better than to expect you to lie, but do ‘phrase it diplomatically’ if you can.

The ‘Fairy Tale’. A more elaborate version of the ‘little white lie’, we see this one most especially on sitcoms, where some of the characters invent a complicated tale to tell another character, because they feel they can’t tell the truth for some reason. However it also sometimes happens in real life too, usually I think to spare someone’s feelings, or to escape the consequences of something.

I’ve been tripped up by this one more than once – confused, I would jump in with “no, that’s not true!”, and blurting out the truth. And of course getting a very sharp reaction, which confused me even more – why were they telling a lie in the first place, and why didn’t they tell me they were going to do it? I still think it’s stupid, and usually unnecessary. Or at least they didn’t need to invent such a convoluted lie.

Zipping the lip. Sometimes NTs avoid telling a lie by simply saying nothing at all, also known as ‘keeping mum’, ‘keeping stum’, and similar phrases. Like the little white lie, it’s done to spare other’s feelings, especially in situations where it’s felt that revealing the truth would do no good, and possibly even hurt someone. So there is a place for it, and I’ve done it myself – kept quiet about stuff that it really wasn’t necessary to reveal.

Maybe, for instance, you’ve got a sweet little old auntie who’s on her deathbed, and who’s always idolized her long-dead husband. Why tell her that in fact he had an affair thirty years ago? What purpose would be served by telling her now? (This is a fictitious example, I hasten to add, not one I’ve ever personally faced.)

Keeping our mouths shut is I think about the only ‘social dishonesty’ we aspies can manage, in response to all the situations mentioned above - difficult though it can be, not to blurt things out! I’ve found it best to watch what others are doing. If they aren’t revealing something, I don’t either.

It’s important to remember that all of these ‘dishonesties’ are done with positive intent in mind – the sparing of other’s feelings, at least in the short term. Whether they do in the long run of course is another question, but the golden rule here is “if in doubt, don’t say anything”.

About That Aspie Rudeness...

I’ve been thinking lately about how we autistics are so often dubbed ‘rude’, when we certainly don’t mean to be. So why do we get accused of it? Here’s my list of possible reasons – and bear in mind that in any given situation, it’s probable that several factors are operating together.

1) No instinctive understanding of unwritten social ‘rules’. We don’t know all the little do’s and don’ts that NTs seem to be born knowing, or learn before they leave kindergarten. So all too frequently, we inadvertently blunder right through those rules.

2) No instinctive ability to read other people’s body language. This adds to 1), as we don’t see the non-verbal signals that tell us we’ve dropped a clanger. So we go on blithely unaware, until bang - a whole bunch of stuff comes crashing down on our bewildered heads.

3) No ‘hidden agenda’. Often some of the things we say, if said by an NT, would have all sorts of complex, implied layers of judgement and criticism. So NTs assume we mean them too - when in fact, if we say, for instance, that someone is fat, unemployed or has a big nose, we usually mean they are fat, unemployed or have a big nose. End of.

4) Terminal honesty and straightforwardness. This is intertwined with 1), 2), and 3). We’re very honest, with a tendency to speak first, and think later! Honesty is a good quality overall, but it can be interpreted as deliberate rudeness by NTs who don’t understand.

5) Little ability to do small talk. We don’t pick up all the unspoken messages being exchanged through this (I was in my 50s before I even realised these messages existed), and so it seems pointless, frustrating and deeply boring to us. But if we don’t do it, we can come across as surly or disinterested in other people.

6) Don’t like eye contact. If we’re not looking at people when we speak or listen to them, this can also be interpreted by NTs that we’re not interested in them or what they’re saying.  NOTE: Pretending to be interested, even if you’re not, is considered polite social behaviour by NTs.

7) Auditory processing difficulties. These tend to make us come across as ‘slow’ or disinterested, when in fact we are simply struggling to hear/interpret what’s being said, especially in large group situations, eg staffroom morning tea sessions. But avoiding them without explanation often appears to others like we don’t like/are snubbing them.

8) Prosopagnosia, or face-blindness. If we don’t recognise someone, and hence don’t speak to them, or walk right by them, this can also come across as snubbing or rudeness.

9) Alexithymia. Difficulties with recognising, managing and expressing our emotions means our emotional reactions can come across as ‘inappropriate’, in when, where and how the emotion is expressed. Again, this can be seen as rude by others.

10) Difficulty moderating our voice tone or volume. Some aspies/auties talk very loudly, and this can be interpreted as ‘rude’ too, in the sense it doesn’t consider other’s needs. Also, if we habitually talk in a monotone, this tends to be interpreted as us being ‘blatantly’ bored or disinterested, and hence rude, by NT rules.

I want to emphasise here that though most of these factors are intrinsically bound up with our autism, that doesn’t mean we can’t learn to overcome at least some of them, to some degree, and/or learn ways to avoid being misunderstood. What we learn, and how much, and how well we’re able to put it into practise, will of course differ from one autie to another, one situation to another. It may be for instance that we never master eye contact (though we may be able to approximate it, and fool people into thinking we’re looking them in the eye), but we can learn how to temper our honesty with more ‘polite’ phrasing or words, or to moderate our voice volume and tone. Or we might be able to master at least a little ‘small talk’, but we’re stuck with the face-blindness. (And of course some of these factors I don’t consider need changing at all, such as our lack of those hidden agendas.)

Of course, none of the above is an excuse for any autistic to be deliberately rude either. If we have learnt at least some social rules (for instance not to say certain things to a boss, teacher or other authority figure) we are as obligated to follow those rules, and as liable to criticism for failing them, as any NT would be in the same situation. Being autistic is not a carte blanche for us to say and do whatever we want, whenever we want, to whomever we want, however we want.

There are probably other factors that I haven’t thought of, and it’s likely that many of them we can’t (or shouldn’t) do much about, but at least if we know the most likely reasons why we’re being called ‘rude’, then we have some chance of either a) finding a way to explain ourselves, b) finding ways to improve our ‘social performance’, or at least c) not being so totally overwhelmed and upset by the accusations of others, that we end up dumping on ourself for being ‘bad’ in some way. We are what we are, and while we’re not exempt from social obligations, we do also have the right to simply be ourselves.

That Small Talk Does Mean Something After All

I  haven’t posted here for a while, as I’ve been either ill or busy with other things, including a great deal of family ‘social’ stuff. But in the midst of this social saturation, or perhaps because of it, I realised something. Or, rather, an understanding jelled that’s been forming for a while.

It’s about ‘small talk’ – you know, that seemingly idle chit-chat that NTs do so much of, the “hi, how are you, how’s your Bert’s lumbago, did you see that program on TV last nite, what do you think of that latest movie, I went to that fancy new restaurant, how did your trip go, we’ve been so busy lately,” kind of talk; on and on it goes, a seeming drivel of nothing much, simply filling the airwaves. Which we on the spectrum find either irritating, boring, or simply confusing and overwhelming. Because it seems so… meaningless, pointless, droning, superficial, and just plain stupid.

Well it isn’t meaningless, I’ve realised. Interwoven with a ton of non-verbal signals, ‘small talk’ sends a host of implicit ‘messages’, creating a two-way (or three-way, or more) flow of unspoken communications. At the very least, this unspoken communication says something like I see you, I acknowledge your presence. The better the participants know and/or like each other, the stronger their connections, the more of these ‘messages’ are sent - I respect you, I like you, I want to spend time with you, I find you interesting enough to care about your Bert’s lumbago or your trip, I’m willing to kowtow to your authority, and no doubt other transmissions I haven’t yet decoded. This is why ‘small talk’ gets called the ‘glue’ that binds people together socially. (There are of course often lots of negative messages sent too. These however are also, in their own way, part of the ‘glue’, as they let people know where they stand.)

Now of course, as our ability to read that non-verbal stuff ranges from poor to non-existent, we miss just about all of that, and hence can only hear the ‘top layer’ of the communications, which – on its own - seems, well, shallow and pointless. (I’m slightly embarrassed to admit it’s taken me till my fifties to realise all this, but hey, better late than never.)

If you doubt me, take the opportunity some day to watch any two NTs talking together. Ignore the actual words and simply observe their bodies. It’s like watching a dance. They will sway towards each other, then lean back. Gesture with their hands or arms, cock their heads to one side, perhaps shrug or twitch a shoulder, fidget in their chairs, shuffle their feet or cross their legs, tap their fingers on a surface or reach out and touch the other. If standing, they might move from one foot to the other, or turn away slightly and then back again. And then there’s things like tone of voice, and pitch, and facial expressions, all of which have meaning – to them. The words they use are simply a framework to hang all this on, a sort of vehicle to carry all the real messages. And NTs never think to tell us this, because not only are they usually unaware we don’t ‘see’ all that, but it functions mostly at the subconscious level anyway, so they’re only half-aware of it themselves.

Now I am not saying we need to learn how to do all that stuff, or try to decipher those unspoken messages. As I’ve said before, beyond basic politeness, I don’t feel it’s productive for us to waste a lot of time and energy on something we’re only ever going to be (at best) second-rate at anyway. If, however, we accept that it’s there, even if we can’t see it, understand it, or decipher it, I believe that it will eliminate or at least alleviate our distress and frustration (though perhaps not our boredom!) with the whole business. And I am all for anything that makes our already-difficult lives even a little easier.

The 'Don'ts' Of Manners

These are what I would consider the basic “Don’ts” of good manners. As with the ‘Do’s”, I’d appreciate feedback.

 

1) DON’T be deliberately rude or insulting – yes, every aspie on the planet makes mistakes and blurts things out now and again, and just like NTs we can lose our tempers, but ASD is not a ‘get out of jail’ card that allows us to behave however we like, anymore than NTs can.

Even if you really do think (for instance) that someone is so stupid it’s a wonder they can walk and talk at the same time, it’s best to just stay silent or leave the situation. This especially applies to people like your boss, the police, judges, Social Welfare staff, and anyone else who potentially holds your fate in their hands. Making them mad is Not A Good Idea.

2) DON’T stand closer than arms length when talking to someone. ‘Arm’s length’ means how close you’d be if you stretched your arm out straight, and could just touch them with the tip of your fingers. This applies to anyone you’re not on intimate or close terms with, such as your partner or child or maybe a very close friend. With anyone else, the further the better, really. Put simply, it freaks people out. They’re not sure what you want, but they don’t like it anyway.

3) DON’T talk about or do your bodily functions in public. ‘Public’ means anyone you’re not close to, as above. This especially applies to anything to do with private parts or the digestive system. It’s usually okay to mention things furthest away from these parts – eg that you have a headache or your feet hurt - but don’t (deliberately) belch, burp or fart; scratch yourself in intimate places, talk about your indigestion or how you’ve had diarrhea all week. (Your nearest and dearest probably won’t want to know about the latter either, really!)

Basic rule of thumb here – people really don’t want to hear about your biological functions.

4) DON’T interrupt other people’s conversations unless it‘s for a damn good reason. ‘Good reasons’ are those that are urgent and/or important - eg “the building is on fire”, “dinner is ready”, or “the boss wants you in his office NOW”. That you’ve just a fascinating thought about The Battle of Waterloo, there’s a butterfly at the window, or “I wonder what ballpoint pens are made of?” are not!!!

5) DON’T comment on anyone else’s appearance unless it’s a compliment. As with some of the above points, this is especially true for those you don’t know well. Out in public, it’s best not to say anything at all about how other people look, especially total strangers. And don’t stare at people either, even if you do find them/their behaviour fascinating, or you’re watching them to learn how to behave. Quick, sideways or cautious glances are better.

6) DON’T ramble on about your favourite topic/special interest. It’s usually okay to give a BRIEF statement about it, but don’t go on and on. It’s a good idea to memorise one or two sentences that sum up your special interest, and use it if anyone asks you what you’re interested in, or what you’ve been doing lately, etc.

Of course you might be lucky enough to stumble across a fellow lover of Ancient Egypt/ dinosaurs/ hubcaps/ trains/ whatever – but they are hard to find, and as we autistics aren’t sensitive to the little clues that tell us someone is only pretending to be interested, it’s best to assume they’re not. If they are truly interested, they’ll ask you more.

That’s about it really. For just about all of these, there are possible refinements, but these are what I see as the basics. If anyone can think of anything else, do let me know.

(NB - for more on this subject, look to my previous posts list down on the right.)

The 'Do's' Of Manners

Here’s what I feel are the basic essential “Must Do’s” of Manners. If anyone thinks I’ve missed out something, do let me know, and I’ll add it to the list. Similarly, if something seems too complicated or hard, I’d like to know that too. It may be that all those years of busting a gut to train myself have made my expectations a bit too high.

1) Say ‘Hello’, when you meet someone, and ‘Goodbye’ when you part from them.

How you say this will differ of course according to who you’re with and where. It might be hey, hiya, yo, gidday, chow or see ya for your friends and family, but use hello and goodbye in formal situations like job interviews, or any time when you don’t know the people well.

2) Say ‘please’ when asking for something, and ‘thank you’ when you receive it.

If you’re amongst close friends and/or family, saying thanks or ta is usually okay for thank you, but be more formal with anyone else. Also say thank you when you get a gift – even if you don’t like it. (And DON’T SAY that you don’t like it! Just thank them and quietly put it aside.)

3) Wait your turn, and don’t push in.

Don’t assume you just can walk up to counters, checkouts, buffet tables, etc – look to see if there’s a queue forming or formed, and put yourself on the end of it. Sometimes it’s hard to be patient, but pushing in is truly not acceptable, unless there’s some really, really good reason for it, and the onus is on YOU to let people know what that is.

4) Say ‘excuse me’ in the following situations.

            i) If you have to push past people in a crowd. In a large crowd, you will need to say it repeatedly until you get out of it. It’s a good idea to say sorry or thank you also.

            ii) If you have to interrupt other people’s conversation or activity. (Note I say have to – I will cover the acceptable reasons for interrupting in my ‘Don’ts’.)

            iii) If you have to reach around someone, for any reason. Though it’s best to avoid doing so if you can – if it’s necessary to get past them, ask POLITELY if they could please move, and why.

            iv) If you have to get close to anybody for any other reason at all. (Yes, I know we usually avoid this like the plague, but it can happen.)

5) Be especially nice/polite/helpful to the vulnerable.

This includes the following groups : -

            i) The elderly. Even if they are grumpy. Or especially if they are grumpy!

            ii) Mothers with children. Or fathers, if they’re burdened with kids too.

            iii) The disabled, and those who are obviously unwell or injured.

Being polite to them generally means things like:-

            a) Holding open doors for them.

            b) Letting them go first in queues.

            c) Offering any other help they might need, such as getting pushchairs up steps.

6) Use your table manners.

What is considered good table manners of course differs between cultures – in some, eating with your fingers and burping afterwards is considered polite! However, in Western cultures, the following are usually expected when dining with others : -

            i) Use your knife and fork for the main course, and a spoon for dessert. Use your fingers only for things like kebabs, sandwiches, or ‘finger food’. Watch what others do, if you’re still not sure.

            ii) Chew with your mouth closed, and don’t talk with your mouth full. Truly, no-one wants to see your half-chewed food. Wipe your mouth (or front) if you dribble or spill food.

            iii) Ask for things to be passed to you, rather than reaching across other people. If you must reach, say excuse and sorry, as I mentioned above.

iv) Don’t simply help yourself to the last potato (or the last slice of pie, helping of rice, etc) on the serving dish – always ask first if anyone else wants it, and be prepared to share it or give it to them, if so.

            iv) Put your knife and fork neatly on the plate when you’re finished. (Some say together, some say crossed. Follow what others are doing, if you’re not sure.)

One final word – it’s not table manners as such – but if you’re eating at someone else’s place, it’s often considered polite to offer to clear the table and/or help with the dishes afterwards, but this will vary a lot. Some won’t expect it or even want it. Even if your offer is refused however, it will probably still be appreciated.

In my next post, I will cover the ‘Don’ts’ of Politeness.

Why I Believe We Should Use Manners

Since writing my original post on aspie ‘lack of manners’, a friend of mine has pointed out that what I seemed to mean, largely, was ‘social graces’. In terms of all the complex nuances I struggled to learn, she’s right. They could also be termed ‘conversational skills’, or simply ‘social skills’. Though ‘manners’ does shade into ‘social graces’, like my friend, I don’t think we aspies can really learn the latter very well – as I said, I struggled for decades to do so, at a very high cost. I think it really isn’t worth the effort, as even if we succeed, we simply become polished at being ‘fake NTs’ – and feel bad about our real selves as a consequence.

However, I do still believe that a basic level of manners is a necessary and essential set of skills for us spectrumites. Some of us might ask why bother, especially if they don’t care about the (opinions of the) other people concerned? I feel there are three reasons why.

1) Because being autistic doesn’t mean we’re ‘better’ than others, any more than it means we’re ‘worse’. It means we have the same rights AND responsibilities as everyone else. As my friend Paula Jessop points out, “there are some Aspies who upon diagnosis say ‘I've got Aspergers, I can't change and the world should put up with me saying whatever I want to whoever I want whenever and wherever I want’. This I feel is unacceptable.” I agree. We share the world with others, and if we want respect from other people, then we must offer respect back. That’s true equality.

2) Because it will benefit our own lives, if those around us perceive we’re at least making an effort to be polite, and observing a bare minimum of social ‘rules’. It won’t work all the time, it’s not a magic bullet, but it could ease at least some of the hostility we are often on the receiving end of.

3) Because it will benefit aspies/auties in general. If most of us come across as polite, or making the effort to be, it gives a better impression of us overall, raises our image in people’s eyes – and let’s face it, we get enough Bad Press, why create any more? If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for your autie/aspie brothers and sisters – and the next generation of spectrumites.

In further posts, ( here and here) I will list what I feel are the basic “do’s and don’ts” of manners.

On Aspie 'Lack of Manners'

I seem to have been hearing a lot about autistic lack of ‘manners’ lately, and it’s certainly a theme that has cropped up in my life many times. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been told I’ve been rude, offensive, uncouth or bad-mannered (or had it implied). I know lots of others on the spectrum have had the same experience. The question is, what should we do about it?

I know what we shouldn’t do. And that’s try to ape NTs, try to be ‘normal’, try to be exactly like them, suppressing all signs of our ‘weirdness’, in order to ‘fit in’. I can speak from experience, as I tried very, very hard to do just this, for many decades of my life. I poured enormous amounts of time and energy into observing others, watching as closely as I could to try and figure out exactly how they behaved, and when, and why, and who with. I tried to imitate them, experimenting with this way and that, aping this person and that - always, always trying to be ‘normal’, or at least develop the facade of ‘normal’. Trying to forestall criticism, and be ‘nice’, and ‘acceptable’ to others.

And you know what? It didn’t work. Oh certainly I learnt many, many things about how to behave, what constitutes ‘good manners’, or ‘the Right Thing To Do And Say’ in a whole variety of situations. I learnt to ‘pass’, in other words. I have a whole library or system of gigantic filing cabinets in my head, of How To Behave Nicely.

But I didn’t gain all that much by it, in the long run. I still got criticised plenty. I wasn’t able to make (NT) friends, or if I did, I soon lost them again. I couldn’t start or sustain a functional relationship. I compromised my health, and at times my sanity and personal integrity. I wasted years – decades - worth of energy that could have been better spent on a career, on my creative endeavours, or simply on my own personal and spiritual growth. I could have been so much better off, financially, physically, psychologically, spiritually. So I would not recommend the path I chose to anyone else on the spectrum - and I no longer walk that path myself. I am what I am, and that will have to be enough.

However we do share this world with other people, whether we like it or not, and have to get along with them. So if we don’t go the path of being a ‘fake NT’, what should we do? What’s the bare minimum of ‘politeness’, that we should aspire to? In my next post, I hope to address that question.

27/1/2012 Note - have written three more posts on this subject, here, and here and here, on 'why we should do manners', and also the 'do's' and 'don'ts' of manners, if you're interested.