Two Big Mistakes People Make About Autistics

There are two Big Mistakes that people make when interacting with autistics. Firstly, they presume we’re the same as everyone else. Secondly, they assume we’re NOT the same as everyone else.

If this sounds contradictory, let me elaborate on what I mean.

1) If people presume we’re the same as everyone else (this applies whether we have a diagnosis or not), it means that our actions are judged in that light. So if we do X behaviour, it’s presumed it’s done for the same reason that non-autistics would do it for.

The classic example is the autistic child whose teacher makes a mistake, and the child points this out – loudly, and in front of the rest of the class. The teacher reacts angrily, assuming that this is because the child is being deliberately cheeky, disrespectful, rude, or challenging their authority. The child, however, is far more likely to be simply distressed and/or confused by the teacher making a mistake, because errors can cause us actual pain. And as we’re less sensitive to social hierarchies, the student will likely just blurt out the correction. They will then be even more distressed by the teacher’s response, and possibly have a meltdown, especially if they’ve already had a hard day.

Even as an adult, working as a teacher aide in a classroom, I found myself in this situation. A teacher taught a grammar rule wrong, and it took all my self-control not to correct them. And if it was hard for me, imagine how hard it is for autistic kids not to say anything. A better outcome might be the teacher taking the child aside later, and asking them to tell them in private when they’ve made a mistake, rather than blurting it out in front of everyone. If the child knows that the teacher is sympathetic, they might be able to restrain themselves better.

Another scenario, which I’ve heard frequently from autistic adults, is an autistic employee asking an employer, manager or co-worker lots of questions about how to do a job. They then think we are challenging their authority, ‘acting stupid’ to bug them, and so on. Cue hostile response, and sometimes our being fired, demoted, punished or socially isolated. But we often do need way more guidance than most NTs would need, either because of anxiety issues or because we simply don’t know many things neurotypicals take for granted. In this situation, the probable best thing for the employer to do is to appoint someone helpful to act as a mentor, at least until we get the hang of the job, which we will probably then understand better than the other employees! If the job changes in any way, however, we will probably need further guidance.

2) People can also assume we are ‘not like others’, believing that everything an autistic does is BECAUSE they’re autistic. Implicit in this, and the tragedy at the core of this assumption, is the mistaken belief that we ‘don’t feel things like other people do’.

The classic example here is meltdowns. If it’s simply assumed that it’s a ‘symptom’ of our autism, ie that autistics are violent, disruptive, crying helplessly etc because we’re autistic, and for no other reason, then no-one will bother to dig deeper for the real causes. And thus we will likely have more meltdowns, and the destructive cycle will continue, until eventually we are deemed ‘intractable’ or ‘unreachable’, with all the horrible things that tend to follow on from that.

Whereas if people stop and think ‘well, if a non-autistic person was doing this behaviour, what reasons might they have?’, then they might occur to them that ‘oh! A non-autistic would be doing it because of stress!’ And then they might recognise that actually, we too are responding to various stresses. They might even start to realise the role that sensory overload plays in causing meltdowns. And they might start to change the classroom, office space, home environment, etc, as well as their (and others’) behaviour towards the autistic.

Because we do have feelings and emotions, oh how we do. We may not show them in the same way, or at the ‘right’ time, and sometimes we don’t even register them ourselves until later, if at all, because many of us are alexithymic as well as being autistic. But we do have them nonetheless. And to assume we don’t is to create a situation where our very real distress is ignored or, worse, punished. I can’t begin to describe the depths of the trauma all this causes. Because if it’s assumed that someone doesn’t have feelings, then it’s far more likely that they will be mistreated, abused, even sometimes killed, because it ‘doesn’t matter’ what happens to them.

The upshot of these two Big Mistakes is that in the first instance, the autistic is punished for being a ‘bad’ human. And in the second, we’re considered to not be human at all – and punished for that too, with the support we need denied us. Either way, our reality is denied, ignored or twisted and used against us. Both cause massive amounts of distress, confusion and pain to autistics. We end up feeling like no-one likes us, no-one understands us and no-one truly cares. We can become perpetually anxious, depressed, angry, or even suicidal – if the world is that unfriendly, why would we want to stay in it? Even if we don’t end it all, our lives tend to go on a downward spiral. It’s a harsh world for autistics in which these two mistakes rule people’s attitudes and behaviour towards us.

The curious thing is that, often, people make the same mistakes with the same autistic individual/s, at the same time. Our meltdowns, for instance, can be seen as ‘bad behaviour’, but also simultaneously as ‘well you know, they’re autistic…’, with a dismissive shrug. All the while, our real problems aren’t being looked at, and will sadly continue.

Sometimes these two mistakes combine in a particularly nasty way. In this approach, we’re seen as ‘NTs with holes’, ie that we are like others, but with lacks or deficiencies, which need to be corrected, the ‘holes filled in’. I call this the ‘empty autism theory’. It’s assumed that if we have the right therapy, we will become ‘just like normal’. But the ‘no feelings’ assumption plays its part here too – when we react badly to that therapy, eg if it’s boring, harsh or manipulative, causes us pain or upset, or involves long hours that other kids aren’t subjected to, our very real reactions to it are ignored, because they ‘aren’t real’, or ‘don’t count’. ABA is the prime example of this, but things like social skills classes, forcing us to forsake our special interests or to make eye contact can also fall into this category.

None of these approaches are helpful. We are not what people think we are, but we are definitely human. It’s just that we human differently. We desperately need and want you to learn our true reality, not operate on these wrong assumptions about us. These Big Mistakes are hurting us, hurting us badly, and it needs to stop.

The World Is Broken, And It Breaks Us

Call me cynical, call me jaded, even call me broken. And you’d no doubt be right. I’m tired of the world, I admit. Sixty-some years of a not-particularly-easy life have worn me out. Yet more and more I can’t escape the conclusion that it’s not just me, that this world is a extremely messed-up place. It’s broken, and it breaks people. You only have to look around you to see this. The world is seriously imbalanced, and seriously unwell, so much so that I’m not sure I even have the words to describe this deep malaise.

The list of things that have been wrong with the world ‘forever’ is long - war, genocide, grinding oppressions, colonialism, corruption, power trips, the structural and person-to-person ‘isms’, abuse of so many kinds, mistreatment and neglect of children, rape and sexual exploitation, all kinds of interpersonal violence, systemic failures which result in trauma to individuals, violence towards animals or treating them as commodities only worthy of existence if they bring some benefit to humans, the destruction of the environment because the natural world is seen as ‘good’ only if it can be exploited… This list is not a comprehensive one by any means.

All of these things wreak havoc. People die, or their lives are ruined. Animals die, species become extinct, and landscapes disappear or are changed forever, usually for the worse. And this environmental damage, despite some seeming to believe that it’s all the fault of us baby boomers, is actually (at least) two hundred years’ worth of pigeons coming home to roost. We’ve ruined our planet, and now we’re living with the consequences.

Much of this is (surprise surprise) due to people’s egos running rampant, especially those of many so-called ‘leaders’ (pretty much all of them male, but then until recently women couldn’t be ‘leaders’). They gather around them cohorts of similar-minded or at least sycophantic followers who aid them in damaging everything and everyone they can, in service of that ego. We need look no further than a recent American president to see that, but he’s only the most recent, and loudest, example.

Amazingly, these ‘leaders’ will have many faithful followers. Even when they blatantly break their wild promises and prove themselves to be liars, bullies, blowhards, narcissists, and megalomaniacs of the worst kind, some people, incredibly, will still worship them. It defies rational belief, but it’s true. You have to wonder what’s wrong with the followers, that they remain so deluded, or why they would follow such a person in the first place.

There are also so many day-to-day ugly things that people do to each other - workplace politics, insults, name-calling and put-downs, vicious online fights, dysfunctional family dynamics, public rudeness, snobbery, manipulative mind-games, and on and on, all the ‘minor’ nastinesses. These take their toll too.

Even if people don’t actually die from any of these things, they can be left with emotional and physical scars, and all sorts of ongoing problems. All too often, people don’t receive the care or support they need - because, sadly, many of those in power don’t seem to view them as a priority (if you’re Not A Productive Citizen, you’re nobody in their eyes). The rates of mental health problems alone are an indicator of the state of the world. Depression, reported loneliness and isolation, anxiety disorders, PTSD, suicidal ideation, personality disorders, and other serious mental health issues seem to be increasingly common. Maybe they’re growing, maybe they have always been high, when so many have ‘flown under the radar’, and it used to be social death to have a mental health problem, and often still is, who can tell? But either way, it’s not an indication of a healthy world. (Though it sometimes seems to me that being so-called ‘insane’ is actually the only sane response to such a screwed-up world.)

And then of course there’s capitalism, which is much to blame for the state of the world. Its late-stage version encourages rampant greed, materialism, arrogance, cruelty, selfishness and the cult of individualism, with an elite increasingly hoarding obscene proportions of the world’s wealth, while the rest of us struggle and get poorer. Ironically, capitalism had its roots in breaking out of the oppressions of feudalism, and now it’s become an oppressive system itself. I sometimes wonder what those first ‘capitalists’ would think of the world today. Any student of history knows, however, that all political/economic systems have their drawbacks. And as much as I would love to see an end to capitalism, if we don’t address the core problem – that it’s a HUMAN-CREATED system, with all of its failings being due to the failings of human nature, then we’re doomed to create something that will turn out just as badly somewhere in the future.

And then of course we come to our present situation. You’d think a pandemic would be a time for people to pull together, and truly some have. But then there are the rest. The ‘all rights, no responsibility’ types who insist on their ‘free-dumb’, at any cost. The lockdown protestors who think their right to a haircut is more important than people’s lives. The anti-vaxxers who can’t see further than the end of their own ignorant noses. Science deniers and conspiracy theorists in general, who are irrationally convinced the ‘gubmint is out ta get them’. Flaunting their views on the toxic parts of social media, their ‘movements’ often strangely married to groups like fascists or flat-earthers. What is wrong with all these people? Did they leave their brains behind somewhere? The selfishness and foolishness of all of them blows my mind.

If everyone had knuckled down last year when Covid first appeared, it would almost certainly be all over by now. There would have been no Delta variant, and we really would have our lives back. New Zealand licked it, and we’ll hopefully do so again, even Delta. We’re not better than anyone else, just simply lucky enough to have good leadership. Some other countries’ leaders, however…. Well. There go those egos again, and rampant selfishness and greed (‘We must preserve the economy’ ie Big Business profits, including theirs), refusal to listen to scientific experts, blah blah blah. And too many following their lead.

All this is bad enough. There are glaring predicaments everywhere, damaged people and damaged systems and damaged countries, wherever you look. So much damage, so many walking wounded. The world is so chaotic, if it was a person I’d say it needed a personality transplant. As it is, I can’t help a sneaking sympathy for those who want to tear it all down and start again.

But there are so many ways in which autistics become extra-damaged by all of this. People take their anger, or pain, or egotism, or their craving for power, or simply their demand for something – anything - to fill up the emptiness within, and put it Out There. They will dump it onto whoever is nearest that looks like a possible target, and sometimes that’s us. Because we’re too obviously ‘different’, too ‘weird’, too ‘not like them’, we ‘behave too badly’, and are, all too often, too unprotected from anyone seeking to harm us.  

The world fails us. We find the world confusing and often overwhelming as it is. We’re often more sensitive to ‘bad vibes’, and don’t understand others’ bad behaviour. But add in all the crap we get from NTs as well, simply for the ‘crime’ of being autistic, and it’s no wonder we are especially traumatised by it all. I’ve said it before, and it’s been said by others too, that I don’t think there is an untraumatized autistic in the world, unless they are very young and/or very protected. The very shape of how autism is perceived by the world is shaped by our trauma. Yet there’s something deeply ironic about a world that demonises us when it can’t even properly face its own demons.

The only two things that give me any hope are, firstly, the number of good people in the world, trying to make it at least a little better, including so many of my friends. If more of them were in power, maybe the world wouldn’t be in such a mess. The second thing is young people. Their passion and energy, their concern for the environment, their determination, the way they have Big Goals but are also clear-headed about the shape of the world, lifts my spirits. I feel a little less gloomy about the future when I see them in action.

But otherwise, all I can see is that the world is broken, and it breaks us, even more than others. The world needs healing, and so do we.

Tell me I’m wrong. But I think I’m not.

If We Really Were 'All A Little Bit Autistic'.

I’ve always been really bugged by that thing where we autistics try to share what life on the spectrum is like, and the reaction of NTs is 'well, we're all a little bit autistic aren’t we'. Firstly, because it denies and diminishes our very real difficulties. And secondly, because it’s simply not true. If your naturally white skin is deeply tanned from exposure to the sun, that doesn’t mean you’re ‘a little bit black’, and if you tried to claim so, it would be recognised as nonsense. Yet people insist on equating their occasional moments of social awkwardness or whatever, with actually being autistic.

So I’ve long wondered what the world would look like, if we really were ‘all a little bit autistic’. About a year ago, I asked around in several autistic groups, what their vision would be, of a world where everyone was autistic, with the idea of writing a post on it. Unfortunately, I went through a period of ill-health shortly after, and then got immersed in other projects, and never got round to writing it. But recently I revisited those conversations, which I’d saved in a file, and realised there were some good ideas in it. Plus, it’s still a Thing, where NTs do that. It hasn’t gone away, and I want to supply people with some ammunition to counter it.

So here’s the suggestions people made, divided into several categories, for simplicity’s sake. It turned out to be a long list! I want to thank all those who contributed. I’ve edited some of them slightly, made clear where people offered alternative ideas, and anonymised them all to protect peoples’ privacy.

Sensory

Foods would be automatically separated.

No forcing kids to finish their dinner.

No Styrofoam… Not just Styrofoam - polystyrene in general.

Weighted blankets would be sold as the norm rather than as an (often expensive) specialist item.

No unwanted touching.

No-one, on complaining about smells, would ever again be told "stop your whining, it's not that bad."

‘Smell pollution’ would be recognised as a thing. It would be considered a social offense to overload with perfume, for example.

[Or] No one would wear perfume or scented deodorant.

[Or] Perfume would only be smellable when you actually sniff it.

No-one would have invented fluorescent lights!

It would be totally acceptable to wear sunglasses year-round and indoors and no one would make jokes about someone giving you a black eye or suspect you of being a shoplifter.

Lighting, music etc would all be customisable to the individual.

Sunglasses would always be available at the dentist or any medical exam with bright lights.

Waiting rooms would be lit dimly.

[Or] Bright lighting would be non-existent.                       

They would come up with tech that doesn't buzz just below the range of hearing.

All motors and buzzing noises in the house and office gone.

Central heating would be [truly] silent.

There wouldn't be a need for earplugs.

Normal earmuffs would have an option to be ear defenders.

No-one would play their music on their phones, in the street. Ever.

Applause would not be a goddamn thing.

Wild or screaming children in small public spaces where waiting in line is required, like post offices, waiting rooms, etc [would be removed].

[Or] A quiet and softly lit room with individual cubicles in every building open to the public. If there is a line that you have to wait in, you could take a number and wait in the quiet room.

Supermarkets and shopping centres would have noise baffling technology. No more echoes.

And the lighting in the supermarkets would be different and there'd be no irritating music or loud tannoys.

There would be no muzak in shops. Ever.

Everyone would get private soundproof cubicles with soft lighting.

Clothing [wouldn’t be like] sandpaper, oddly put together, things glued and dangling, embroidery overloaded, etc.

Clothing labels would be easily removeable from clothes.

[Or -] No tags on clothes ever.

Socks wouldn’t have seams!

They would ban that weird plastic elastic stuff they put in seams in ready-to-wear clothes. Digs in and itches and scratches like mad!

All swimming pools would have the non-chlorine cleaning system. No kid at school would be forced to go to the public swimming pool.

Children's toys would have no battery-operated lights and noise. And the toys would not be all tied in the boxes so much my son gets so upset trying to get the toy out of the box.

Social

There would be no spontaneous social events.

Small talk would not exist.

No one would expect eye contact.

People wouldn't shake hands to greet each other.

People [would say] "hello" as a greeting instead of "how are you". They would only say the latter if they really mean it.

The phrase would you like to go for a drink would mean drinks, and there'd be a different one for 'I've assessed you as a life/night partner, shall we?'

No 'social niceties' - people would just say it how it is & not dance around the truth.

People wouldn't lie so much.

Everyone would trust one another and take people at their word.

People would actually say what they mean and then give you a chance to do it.

People wouldn't assume intent from tone and body language and you could safely take things at face value without the danger of realising, years later, that you were being mocked.

[People would recognise that] stating facts is not being rude.

No one would ask, if they looked good in an outfit, then be offended if you said no.... Or if you liked their new hair etc.

People would not talk to you about things that they know you cannot relate to… then be upset that you told them the solution options. Or finally said something honest that may be considered harsh.

The concept of "reading between the lines" [would not exist]. Along with there not being a singular "right way" to do things.

When something really cool happens no one would care if someone gets very excited and starts flapping or waving their arms. In fact, that's what most ppl would be doing.

No stims would be mocked.

Phone ‘seconds’ would be available to make important calls with your voice and manner.

There would be no socializing over meals. My food [gets] cold.

One sided restaurant tables, to discourage eye contact.

[There would be a] 'quiet please' side of the restaurant.

"I need some time alone" would be totally respected.

Sporting events wouldn't be a thing.

Sales people would be very clear what they were trying to sell you.

No criticism of special or unique interests.

No-one would be made to feel that they were less because of functioning labels, no invading personal space, sarcasm would be always marked with /s so people can tell, it would basically be utopia in an all autistic world for me.

Workplace

Job interviews wouldn't ask stupid gotcha questions.

Apprenticeships for teens so you got to learn your passion under an expert without having to go through an interview.

No open plan office/classroom designs.

All workplaces would offer quiet rooms for random breaks whenever needed.

Lunch/breaks would not be mandated at a certain time - if you were on a roll they’d leave you be.

Work from home would be available in all jobs where practicable.

Meltdown leave would be available.

Instructions would all be written and verbal. With no more than 2-3 at a time.

No-one would consider you anti-social at work for sitting at your desk with ear buds in instead of making chit chat about last night's episode of whatever.

DC transformers wouldn't whistle, no-one in the factory could bear it.

We'd probably all be happier in our jobs as we'd have created jobs that focus on our strengths and things we like doing.

I could have a working environment where it was perfectly okay for me to have a balance between work and social skills... In fact, I could easily get a job, for that matter.

Education

School bells would gently chime, not ring shrilly.

Subjects at school can go all day/week not 6-8 subjects/day, different classes, teacher, room, students...

Schools would not change daily routines or specific plans so often or without good reason and would give a lot more notice.

Education would allow for different rates of progress, would encourage people (the young and adults) to learn what they were passionate about and help find ways to build on that passion.

Also, education would be from home if desired.

Classes would encourage people to take breaks with a quiet room available at all times.

There would be no more Group Work in schools except where the task *absolutely requires* a group of people to complete it.

There'd be playgrounds with more tactile play for the kids.

No compulsory team sport classes for kids.

Flexible unisex natural fibre uniforms.

Nature designed integral to classroom, outdoor classrooms.

Low noise classrooms.

No homework.

The [education authorities] would not think mainstream is inclusive and other professionals would not blame parents and also not ignore them over school. Professionals would be agreeing with parents and there would be a partnership. There would be less mental health issues based around autism and related conditions.

Entertainment

The television programming would be radically different. More documentaries, intelligent written scripts, less celebrity driven reality shows. No ads, marketing is such shameless fake manipulation.

Maybe even channels dedicated to different topics, like there would be a train one, a biology one, an astronomy one, a history one....

An Architectural one, actual engineering details, with professional experience not the glut of terrible building makeovers, a photography channel, a drawing channel…

Theme park rides system would be different... You'd have to pre-book your time slot for each ride... No queues and you can book up to 3 goes per ride (so it works a bit like fast track) only fair to all.

Ponderer societies, chess clubs, salons for philosophical debates would be the norm not fringe.

Society

Social justice would be universal.

Places like Alton Towers or Drayton Manor wouldn't exist.

We [would] just accept that religious beliefs [etc] are personal and as individual as being autistic is.

No war, no famine and no poverty.

Nobody would be at war. We would work together to build a unified, accepting world, for the purposes of bettering the lives of every person on earth. We are the innovators that these NTs take for granted.

The planet would have guardians and caretakers, lots of volunteers...

Other

All drivers would use signals appropriately, travel within speed limit, and stop tailgating.

Buildings would be honest and have integrity of materials, not the faux finishes, opulent facades masking crappy design.

Houses would be soundproofed.

Baths would be bigger.

Bedrooms and private spaces would be bigger, and shared/living spaces smaller.

[Subway stations would not] be a huge challenge… [In an autistic world] these issues would be dealt with at source through design and construction.

Transport would be different, it would be larger and have enough room for everyone to have their own space.

Things would run on time, updated info would be spot on and asap.

Supermarkets would have larger aisles so you don't have to go near people to go past them.

Products would [always] be displayed in the same place in supermarkets, [but] if moved instructions for where to find that item would be available.

Everything would be planned and thought out, in a particular routine. There would be no change  whatsoever.

[Or] THEY WOULDN'T CHANGE ANYTHING WITHOUT GOOD REASON and would give notice AND also carry on the original version.

Also, we probably would have conquered the rest of the galaxy by now.

There are probably other things you can think of to add to this list. I offer these as ‘food for thought’, as to how different the world would be, if we really were all ‘a little bit autistic’.