All The Things We Are Supposed To Be And Not Be

Has anyone ever felt or noticed that there are so many things we are supposed to be? So many things, which, for most of my life, I have felt *I* am supposed to be, or to conceal if I’m not.

For instance, we’re supposed to be perfectly neurotypical, to not be autistic or ADHD or dyslexic or any other neurospicy flavour. Or if we are, we’re not supposed to be a ‘burden’ or let it ‘impinge’ on others, we’re expected to put up a perfect pretense of ‘normal’, no matter what it costs us. And if we can’t, then we should Just Go Away. Disappear.

We’re supposed to be completely able-bodied, no illnesses or disabilities, whether physical, neurological, learning/intellectual, metabolic, acquired or innate. Or, if we aren’t, it’s often seen as ‘our fault’, and again we’re supposed to pretend we’re not, even if it hurts and exhausts us, and to ‘not use it as an excuse’. And if we can’t, then we’re supposed to keep out of public view, so as not to ‘force’ the sight of us on ‘normal’ people. Oh, and you mustn’t have any mental health issues either, or keep them/yourself out of sight. Heaven forbid you have a breakdown in public.

We’re supposed to be completely cis and hetero, because gay, trans, non-binary etc are weird/abnormal/disgusting/It Would Just Be So Much Easier If We Weren’t. If we’re gay/lesbian, then we ‘shouldn’t push it into everyone’s faces’ (i.e. stay in the closet). If we’re trans, then we’re ‘mutilating’ ourselves, and should ‘just accept’ the body we were born into, even if it jars every last nerve we have. If we’re bi we’re ‘confused’, if we’re gender-fluid, same, or lying. Intersex people? Either ignored or denied. And if we’re asexual or aromantic, then OMG what’s WRONG with you??!!

And it doesn’t end there.

We’re supposed to be, if not well-off, then at least financial enough to not need any help from ‘the system’. Being poor is somehow offensive, and being dependent on welfare is especially a Crime Against Society. It’s considered a personal lack if we need anything of anyone else, in any way. (But if we’re female, paradoxically we must always be ready to assist others.)

We’re supposed to be able to eat anything, anywhere, anytime it’s offered or available. Allergies, food intolerances, sensory difficulties, even simply strong dislikes, are all ‘nuisances’ or ‘stupid’ or ‘made-up for attention’, or just plain ‘fussiness’. Similarly with clothes – sensory problems or dislike of certain fabrics or styles are ‘silly’, or even ‘dangerous’, especially if you’re non-binary or trans.

And of course we can take it as a given that non-white people, both native and/or descendants of slaves, have been routinely made to feel ‘other’, inferior, and unwanted. (Non-white) immigrants are told they ‘should go back where they came from’, no matter no matter what awaits them there. That the rest of the world (ie white people, even in countries whose population is largely descended from immigrants) shouldn’t have to tolerate them. That they should not exist.

Perhaps the most‘shoulds’ and ‘oughtas’ are reserved for those born into female bodies, regardless of what else we are. The list is long, and has been covered elsewhere, most notably the soliloquy from the Barbie movie. And these things are often contradictory, so that women can never win. We must be assertive, and honest, but never ‘threaten’ or ‘undermine’ men. We must be gentle, but not so much we become victims.

We must be perfectly groomed at all times, never too over- or under-weight, fit and healthy. Our cooking must be perfect, and as much home-cooked as possible. Our children of course must always be perfectly clean and tidy, and, naturally, well-behaved and without any ‘issues’.

Our homes must always be tidy and clean, preferably looking like a show home at all times, and a carbon copy of others as much as possible, even if that doesn’t work for us. Heaven forbid we have belongings scattered around, or if our daily routines just aren’t like other people’s, or that we arrange our homes to suit ourselves. It’s ‘selfish’ or ‘weird’ and grounds for some pretty severe criticism, especially online.

Yes, in many places things have improved. Somewhat. Laws have changed, there are pockets here and there of people very welcoming of difference, and others who at least pretend to be… well. Nice. Polite. Accepting. And yet… There are assumptions, misconceptions and microaggressions. Pauses, smiles that don’t reach their eyes, turned heads and cleared throats and outright snubs. What with that and images in the media, TV and movies, we can still end up feeling like we’re burdens, that we must conceal our true selves/bodies/sexuality/race/religion/whatever, in order to be acceptable to others, to not place a burden on them, to be seen as ‘okay’ or ‘normal’. And this is in comparatively ‘safe’ countries. (Because some countries are decidedly unsafe for many.)

Why? Why should we have to hide or erase our differences in order to be even grudgingly accepted? Why is there still this dislike of those who are ‘different’? How on earth do we tackle it, both collectively and individually? It damages us. It erodes our self-confidence, makes us hate ourselves and feel ashamed and inadequate, and causes us to self-erase. All in a desperate need to become part of a world that doesn’t truly accept us as we are – or to avoid its outright attacks.

But is it really so awful that so many of us are not ‘Default Man’? (ie white, middle-class, cishetero, able-bodied, neurotypical, etc, etc.) Are our needs really ‘too many’, ‘too costly’, ‘too much of a burden on society’, blah blah blah? Are all these demands - usually unspoken but not always – legitimate? I don’t think so. I think we have the right to simply be what we are, whatever that is. Default Man is a highly privileged minority anyway.

I must admit, I find it hard to eradicate these buried attitudes in myself. While I have consciously rejected them, there are still fragments of them deep down that sometimes erupt to the surface in unexpected ways. But becoming aware of how they affect me is a start. You can’t tackle what you don’t know is there, constantly undermining your attempts at self-actualisation.

I do feel strongly however that somehow the attitude that This or That is Normal and hence
Desirable/Better/Superior must be seriously challenged, at its very root.