I used to think it wasn’t possible to be both, and a test or two I did initially suggested that I wasn’t. But then I found better tests, and some uncannily accurate videos, and began to think and explore more. And now? I’m fairly certain, and becoming more so the more I explore. I call it being both ‘Autie’ and ‘Addie’.
Among the things I’ve noticed so far – and there will probably be more, as this journey is really only just starting –
- my erratic attention span and high distractibility, leading to ‘daydreaming’
- my frequent restlessness, both physical and mental
- quick frustration or boredom, with people, conversations, tasks and even jobs
- my need for stimulation and variety interspersed with periods of rest
- difficulty following verbal instructions
- chronic disorganisation, with major panic if (when!) I lose something important
- difficulty with time-keeping/awareness
- impulsiveness, ‘snap’ (and often disastrous) decision-making
- frequent job-hopping in my younger years and changing my major at university several times…
you get the picture.
And yes, I have the classic DOOM piles (or boxes, or bags, or overflowing drawers or cupboards…) even though my flat is way too small to accommodate much clutter. Like the two big boxes of stuff that need to go into my underbed storage which have been clogging up my tiny living area for WAY too long… Or the mountains of clean laundry that sometimes go unfolded and put away for days… Or the books piled up ON TOP of the bookshelves because I keep acquiring more but have nowhere to put them... And I’m not even going to talk about the dishes. Let’s just say they’re not my strong point.
So, yeah. Quite a bit of Addie stuff going on here.
In my earlier years, before I even knew I was Autie let alone Addie, life was …pretty chaotic. Not just in terms of actual mess or disorganisation - and there was plenty of that! - but in terms of the emotional cost. Depression, self-hatred, shame and self-blame, constantly telling myself how worthless, useless and stupid I was, over and over. With tears running down my face, I would be convinced I was a waste of space and should just do away with myself. I managed to overcome some of this when I discovered my autism and the autistic community, but there’s always been another layer, and now I know what it is.
So how does being both work in practise? (And bear in mind, this understanding is still a work in progress, as more light gets shone on my life.)
Sometimes, they help each other out. For instance, if I have something important to go to the next day, my Autie self will see me prepare everything I need the previous night. Or if I’m going on holiday, the Autie self will start making a list days prior, and ironing, folding and packing the day before. Because I KNOW that if I don’t, my Addie self will panic and run amok at the last minute, forgetting things, being late, and arriving in a highly distressed state, if I arrive at all.
On the other hand, my Addie self gives my rather stodgy, rule-bound Autie self a lift, pushing me out the door or into doing something different – the novelty/stimulation thing, without which I’d be trapped into a very boring life indeed. It’s seen me move around the country, launch into new activities, go out to events I probably wouldn’t otherwise, and generally take risks my Autie self quails or quibbles at.
But frequently the two are just in conflict. My need for stimulation and variety clashes with the need for order and calm. My Autie perfectionism battles with Addie impatience. My Autie needs for tidiness and keeping stuff runs up against my Addie desire to just throw the annoying stuff out the window or into the rubbish. My Autie wish for cleanliness is confronted by my Addie inability to focus on household tasks until they’re done. My Autie self has evolved more-or-less functional routines that get at least some essentials done, but Addie self (or tired self) sometimes rebels against them. Sometimes I can find a way out of these impasses, but other times there’s no winning. I can end up frozen, confused, and overwhelmed, not knowing what to do.
Sometimes I don’t even know which is affecting me in any given moment. If I can’t seem to get out of my chair, is it Autie inertia, Addie paralysis, or simple tiredness? (Having Chronic Fatigue Syndrome doesn’t help.) If I don’t start a task, is it because of Autie perfectionism, or Addie dislike of chores, or my Executive Dysfunction? Sometimes if I know, I can overcome it, and other times it just doesn’t matter. I’m screwed, any which way.
And yet still other times, they converge with each other in the worst ways, eg when both my Autie and Addie selves become so overloaded that all I want to do is curl up in some safe, dark, quiet cocoon until my jangled nerves stop screaming.
There are ways they nullify each other’s effects, like the
Autie orderliness I mentioned above that prevents Addie panic. But while my
Autie self has helped me to overcome or prevent a lot of typical Addie problems,
for instance I use a lot of helpful ‘tricks’ – multiple alarms, to-do lists,
lists, notes, visualisations, etc, etc, etc, to stay organised - overall, it
ain’t easy being both.
Being Addie is possibly having a stronger effect on my life right now than being Autie, because the realisation is far newer and to the forefront of my mind, not to mention I’m gradually stopping all the ways in which I suppressed it (I did the same thing with my autistic traits when I first realised I’m Autie). You have to adjust to a new knowledge of yourself, re-evaluate your mindset/approach to life, and I’ve largely done this around being Autie. But not for Addie, not yet. I don’t have a formal diagnosis either, it’s expensive and there are long waiting lists, especially for adults. So it’s still a work in progress.
But I’m getting there. And my life makes so much more sense now. Perhaps, finally, I can stop being ashamed of simply being me.
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