Who I Stand With and Why

We’ve all been watching the news from the USA, many of us with mounting horror and dread. It’s just one horrible thing after another. The worst kind of people gaining power and control. The wholesale wrecking of government departments and sacking of even essential staff. The demolishing of legal rights and protections for and attacks on the most vulnerable, the erosion of human rights, the muzzling of the press… And on and on it goes. It’s scary stuff, especially for those into history. There’s an onslaught of enmity directed at anyone who doesn’t fit into the cis, straight, white, male, middle- or upper-class, born-in-the-USA conservative Christian mould - even conservative Christian women now, which is surprising no-one but those women themselves.

The most important question is not ‘what will THEY do next’, because we can all guess, even if only by looking at history. (Concentration camps, anyone?) The Big Question is, how much and for long will the American people put up with it, before they rise up in rebellion? When (not if, but when) that will happen, what form it will take, how successful it will be, what the end result will be, is anyone’s guess. The only sure thing is that it can’t go on like this.

The new ‘rulers’ are of course presuming on shock and awe to keep everyone under their thumb. But I think they underestimate people. Even Americans, who, let’s face it, have had their education system run down, their rights steadily eroded, their economy tanked - FOR DECADES - and who have been indoctrinated into believing that ‘Murrka is the Greatest Country on Earth’, are not going to take it forever. Or even for that much longer. And of course the targeted groups are probably going to play a pivotal role in leading the resistance, because they have to. Because it’s THEIR lives at stake.

To be sure, many of those in the most vulnerable categories are feeling terrified and helpless. Some are leaving or planning to leave the worst states or even the country. (And let’s be clear, you’re not a coward if you can and do flee. Some are more vulnerable than others, or lack the capacity to fight.) Others are trying to help them get to ‘sanctuary’ states, though how long they will be able to keep gays, trans people, immigrants, women who want abortions etc, safe, is yet another good question. People are right to be scared. But sooner or later, if you’re pushed to the wall, you have to push back, if only because you’re not able to either flee or hide. I think it’s already begun to happen. And let me note here that street demonstrations and court decisions are only the beginning, not the end, of the resistance. I mean, I’d be relieved if they were effective, but I’m not holding my breath. Because Trumpet and his cronies have nothing but contempt for courts, laws, government departments and even their own voters.

I want to make it plain that at least part of my support for these groups is because I identify with those in danger. I’m acutely aware that if I was a US citizen or resident right now, I’d be in danger too. I’m gay, non-binary, autistic and almost certainly ADHD as well, I have multiple physical disabilities and health conditions, including CFS, arthritis, thyroid issues, high cholesterol and diabetes. I am on (government paid-for) medication for the last three of those. I’ve also been poor all my adult life, am dependent on NZ superannuation (i.e. the old age pension), and live in social housing. I’d be a target, for sure, so I really, REALLY feel for all my counterparts in the States.

But it’s more than that. It’s a matter of simple human decency. How anyone thinks it’s okay to attack people who love their own gender, identify as a gender that doesn’t match the body they were born with, are of a different race or religion (or none), fled persecution or poverty in another country to find a better life for themselves and their family, etc, etc, is beyond me. I simply don’t understand this level of cruelty. If I had been alive in 1930s Germany, you can bet I would have been opposing the Nazis, and I’m opposing them now. You’re either on the side of human decency, compassion and justice, or you’re not. End of.

Because of this, I’m not going to waste time pleading for Those In Power to spare my American counterparts. Things have gone way beyond that. I’m not able to do a lot from this distance, but I will certainly do what I can, most especially not allowing myself to be silenced. I don’t know if Big Brother is reading this. Maybe, maybe not. Either way, Big Brother? Go fornicate with Yourself.

Some would say, ‘oh, it’s easy for you to say all this, you don’t live in the States, you’re safe’. But we’re all fooling ourselves if we think the Orange One’s influence stops at the shores of the US. He has already made territorial threats against Canada, Greenland and Panama. He’s blatantly sided with Russia, and publicly attacked Ukraine’s courageous leader to his face. He’s demanded insane things of other countries, or sent his VP to verbally attack them. And that’s all just in less than two months. Not to mention that NONE OF US ARE TOTALLY SAFE if he triggers World War Three. A second American Civil War would affect people way beyond America’s shores. Tariffs or the collapse of American share markets, businesses or banks can also affect the whole world. So no, I don’t think we are going to be totally safe wherever we are.

Not that I’m deluding myself that they’ll come after me personally, I’m not important enough. Nor am I planning (or able, or even wanting) to visit the US any time soon, and New Zealand is not considered an ‘enemy’ of the US, right? ...Right? And Trumpet has really respected America’s traditional allies …right? But he wouldn’t interfere with another country’s citizens… right? Right?

 Truthfully though, I’m more concerned right now about the encouragement he gives to the worst kinds of people everywhere. A member of the coalition government here has proposed a bill to get rid of all DEI laws and regulations. It has little chance of success… so far. Who can say what the future holds.

 But ultimately it doesn’t matter. On the deepest level, I simply do not care. So Big Brother, if you do wanna come after me, all I can say is - bring it. I know who my people are, and who I stand with. And it’s not those currently calling the shots across the other side of the Pacific.

On Being Both Autie and Addie

As those of you who follow me on the Book of Faces know, for some time now I have become more and more certain that I am not only autistic, but ADHD as well. It’s true that some things like sensory overload and the ability to hyperfocus can be common to both conditions, as is my quite atrocious Executive Dysfunction. But that doesn’t explain things a lot of other things I’ve noticed about myself.

 I used to think it wasn’t possible to be both, and a test or two I did initially suggested that I wasn’t. But then I found better tests, and some uncannily accurate videos, and began to think and explore more. And now? I’m fairly certain, and becoming more so the more I explore. I call it being both ‘Autie’ and ‘Addie’.

Among the things I’ve noticed so far – and there will probably be more, as this journey is really only just starting –

- my erratic attention span and high distractibility, leading to ‘daydreaming’

- my frequent restlessness, both physical and mental

- quick frustration or boredom, with people, conversations, tasks and even jobs

- my need for stimulation and variety interspersed with periods of rest

- difficulty following verbal instructions

- chronic disorganisation, with major panic if (when!) I lose something important

- difficulty with time-keeping/awareness

- impulsiveness, ‘snap’ (and often disastrous) decision-making

- frequent job-hopping in my younger years and changing my major at university several times…

you get the picture.

And yes, I have the classic DOOM piles (or boxes, or bags, or overflowing drawers or cupboards…) even though my flat is way too small to accommodate much clutter. Like the two big boxes of stuff that need to go into my underbed storage which have been clogging up my tiny living area for WAY too long… Or the mountains of clean laundry that sometimes go unfolded and put away for days… Or the books piled up ON TOP of the bookshelves because I keep acquiring more but have nowhere to put them... And I’m not even going to talk about the dishes. Let’s just say they’re not my strong point.

So, yeah. Quite a bit of Addie stuff going on here.

In my earlier years, before I even knew I was Autie let alone Addie, life was …pretty chaotic. Not just in terms of actual mess or disorganisation - and there was plenty of that! - but in terms of the emotional cost. Depression, self-hatred, shame and self-blame, constantly telling myself how worthless, useless and stupid I was, over and over. With tears running down my face, I would be convinced I was a waste of space and should just do away with myself. I managed to overcome some of this when I discovered my autism and the autistic community, but there’s always been another layer, and now I know what it is.

So how does being both work in practise? (And bear in mind, this understanding is still a work in progress, as more light gets shone on my life.)

Sometimes, they help each other out. For instance, if I have something important to go to the next day, my Autie self will see me prepare everything I need the previous night. Or if I’m going on holiday, the Autie self will start making a list days prior, and ironing, folding and packing the day before. Because I KNOW that if I don’t, my Addie self will panic and run amok at the last minute, forgetting things, being late, and arriving in a highly distressed state, if I arrive at all.

On the other hand, my Addie self gives my rather stodgy, rule-bound Autie self a lift, pushing me out the door or into doing something different – the novelty/stimulation thing, without which I’d be trapped into a very boring life indeed. It’s seen me move around the country, launch into new activities, go out to events I probably wouldn’t otherwise, and generally take risks my Autie self quails or quibbles at.

But frequently the two are just in conflict. My need for stimulation and variety clashes with the need for order and calm. My Autie perfectionism battles with Addie impatience. My Autie needs for tidiness and keeping stuff runs up against my Addie desire to just throw the annoying stuff out the window or into the rubbish. My Autie wish for cleanliness is confronted by my Addie inability to focus on household tasks until they’re done. My Autie self has evolved more-or-less functional routines that get at least some essentials done, but Addie self (or tired self) sometimes rebels against them. Sometimes I can find a way out of these impasses, but other times there’s no winning. I can end up frozen, confused, and overwhelmed, not knowing what to do.

Sometimes I don’t even know which is affecting me in any given moment. If I can’t seem to get out of my chair, is it Autie inertia, Addie paralysis, or simple tiredness? (Having Chronic Fatigue Syndrome doesn’t help.) If I don’t start a task, is it because of Autie perfectionism, or Addie dislike of chores, or my Executive Dysfunction? Sometimes if I know, I can overcome it, and other times it just doesn’t matter. I’m screwed, any which way.

And yet still other times, they converge with each other in the worst ways, eg when both my Autie and Addie selves become so overloaded that all I want to do is curl up in some safe, dark, quiet cocoon until my jangled nerves stop screaming.

There are ways they nullify each other’s effects, like the Autie orderliness I mentioned above that prevents Addie panic. But while my Autie self has helped me to overcome or prevent a lot of typical Addie problems, for instance I use a lot of helpful ‘tricks’ – multiple alarms, to-do lists, lists, notes, visualisations, etc, etc, etc, to stay organised - overall, it ain’t easy being both.

Being Addie is possibly having a stronger effect on my life right now than being Autie, because the realisation is far newer and to the forefront of my mind, not to mention I’m gradually stopping all the ways in which I suppressed it (I did the same thing with my autistic traits when I first realised I’m Autie). You have to adjust to a new knowledge of yourself, re-evaluate your mindset/approach to life, and I’ve largely done this around being Autie. But not for Addie, not yet. I don’t have a formal diagnosis either, it’s expensive and there are long waiting lists, especially for adults. So it’s still a work in progress.

But I’m getting there. And my life makes so much more sense now. Perhaps, finally, I can stop being ashamed of simply being me.