The Emotional Difficulties of Autistics

Over the years, I’ve heard lots about the problems associated with being autistic – our sensory, social, executive dysfunction issues, etc. We have discussed them often, and often at great length. But I’ve never heard anyone, on the spectrum or not, talk much specifically about our emotional issues. They seem to be largely ignored by NTs, while autistics simply suffer through them.

And yet they loom large in our existences, often dominating our thoughts and our days, dragging us down into depressions or other mental illness, hampering our efforts to live full and good lives, and often leaving us feeling ‘stupid’, ‘inadequate’, ‘over the top’ or somehow ‘just wrong’ for having them.

Some of our emotional issues are internally caused, eg by alexithymia. We may not feel anything, when we think we ‘should’. Or we know we’re feeling something, but we’re not sure what. Or the feelings rush in, uncontrollable, overwhelming us, almost drowning us. Or they come at a time or in a way that’s not ‘appropriate’, causing us embarrassment, shame and distress. Simply identifying and managing our emotions can be an enormous battle in itself – and leave us feeling stupid and ashamed, simply for having to wrestle with something that ‘everyone else’ seems to manage okay.

And then there’s the emotions caused by our struggles with executive dysfunction. When your living spaces are knee-deep in chaos, you can’t seem to organise your way out of a paper bag or get to anything on time, can’t get proper meals together, and you feel like you look like you slept in your clothes (and maybe you did), and somehow it’s ‘all your own fault’ and you ‘just need to shake up your ideas’ (as others will no doubt tell you), it’s difficult to feel good about yourself, or about anything in your life. This can fill us with shame, embarrassment and anxiety, and cause low self-esteem and depression.

There’s also our social problems – by which I mean how people react to our efforts to connect with them, or simply co-exist with them. When our social efforts aren’t recognised as such (eg because we’re non-verbal, or we don’t do it in the ‘appropriate’ way), or we’re criticised, yelled at, laughed at, ridiculed, bullied, physically attacked, rejected, snubbed, etc, then we naturally feel a range of emotional reactions. Few of these are acknowledged or validated by non-autistics – in fact our reactions (eg meltdowns, social withdrawal) tend to be blamed on our autism, rather than being understood as reactions to how we’re being treated.

Sensory issues often compound our social problems of course – and add to the possibility of meltdowns, shutdowns, fleeing, or getting a negative reaction from others when you ask for help. If you’re constantly being told that you’re ‘making a fuss about nothing’, or to ‘stop your whingeing’ and that you should ‘just harden up’, it’s hard not to feel ‘weak’, ‘stupid’, scared and inadequate for this on top of all your other problems.

And then our responses to all these can be in turn be misunderstood by others, causing us to be dumped on even more, stressing us out even more... A vicious circle, causing a potent stew of pain, shame, self-loathing, anger and anxiety, which can see us so overwhelmed we end up curled into a sobbing heap under a pile of blankets, pacing back and forth stimming wildly, posting frantic requests for support on social media, or even self-harming. And then we feel shame for having those feelings, and shame for feeling shame… on and on it goes, till many of us are simply, well, broken.

A lot of our emotional issues are caused, therefore, not just by our ‘issues’, but by other people’s reactions to those issues, and/or by not having the right supports. In fact we’ve often had to create such supports for ourselves, or sometimes clued-up parents or aides will, by creating ‘emotion charts’ to help us name a feeling, visual or electronic schedules to help with time management or household tasks, specific guidance with social issues, and so on. But this help varies extremely widely – it’s often a matter of good luck rather than good policy, and the result is we suffer far more than we need to. It’s all a bit of a mess, really.

So I want to say this to autistics – that THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU FOR FEELING THE WAY YOU DO. Your feelings are valid, a perfectly logical reaction to the pressures and stresses of our lives – including those stresses not being understood. You have the right to your feelings, and the right to seek support. And, flawed as our autistic community can often be, your fellow autistics are almost certainly the only ones who will understand and accept your emotions, and be able to help you through them, because we’ve been there too. Find your own tribe.

And to neurotypicals, I want to say this. If you want to know why we autistics have such a high rate of mental illness and suicide, LOOK NO FURTHER THAN HOW WE’RE TREATED. If you want to ‘fix’ our emotional states, first acknowledge our issues, then help us find the tools to do something about them. And change social attitudes to the autistic while you’re at it. Simply assuming that they’re ‘just part of being autistic’, and assuming that if you can ‘get rid’ of the autism somehow (newsflash: you can’t), they’ll just magically disappear, is not helping us at all.

The Empty Autism Theory

There’s an idea I’ve been tossing around in my head for some while, which I’ve been calling ‘The Empty Autism Theory’.

It’s about how many neurotypicals view autistics – ie, that they see us as somehow ‘empty’ of all the things that NTs have, whether that be intelligence, thoughts, feelings and emotions, empathy, social sensitivity, a sense of humour, communications worth listening to, the capacity to feel pain or to love our fellow human beings, or even just basic humanity.

So in their eyes, we’re devoid of anything worthwhile, or if we do have anything inside us, it’s a sort of echoing chaos of misery, from which NTs need to ‘rescue’ us. So their job, as they see it, is to ‘fill us up’, to ‘give’ us these things, after which we will be ‘fixed’, and ‘just like normal people’. It isn’t always explicitly framed or stated that way, but the underlying message is pretty clear.

I see it in many areas, in the attitudes of schools, government programs, in books and movies and TV programs about autism, and hence also in the public image of autism. It’s in all the assumptions made about us, eg that we don’t look people in the eyes because we ‘have no interest’ in other people, or that our meltdowns are somehow ‘just random’. It’s in how they don’t bother asking us what we want or need, even if we can talk, because they’ve already decided that we don’t have anything worth listening to, we’re simply to be filled up with whatever they’ve decided we lack.

It’s also evident in the professional language and research, where we’re described as ‘deficient’ in this, or ‘lacking’ in that. We don’t have ‘theory of mind’, or we display ‘weak central coherence’, and so on. The diagnostic criteria focuses almost exclusively on our lacks and deficiencies and abnormalities. It’s even in areas you wouldn’t expect, for instance the infamous ‘research’ project which deemed autistics as ‘lacking in social reputation management’, rather than simply as more honest than their NT counterparts. 

Moreover, this view of autism has been there from the start. Kanner first described us in terms of ‘disturbances of affective contact’, ie we ‘didn’t care’ about those around us. He was the first to suggest the ‘refrigerator mom’ theory of autism which others like Bruno Bettleheim later took up. Even Asperger described us in terms of our ‘deficiencies’ in social/communication skills. 

And then there was Lovaas’ infamous characterisation of us as ‘not fully human’, when he said that “you start pretty much from scratch… with an autistic child. You have a person in the physical sense… but they are not people in the psychological sense… You have the raw materials, but you have to build the person.” Thus ABA from the start was based on the ‘empty autism’ idea – push the autism out of the kid by filling them up with NT-type ‘skills’, and hey presto! No more autism!

It’s evident too in how, whenever autistics challenge ‘warrior’ parents of autistic kids about how they regard and treat their children, we get shut down and attacked – the whole ‘you’re-not-like-my-kid’ and ‘you’re-too-high-functioning-to-know-what-real-autism-is’ stuff is based on the idea that the ‘real’ autistics are somehow ‘different’ (read: empty/deficient) from those of us who can talk, or at least communicate online. Even at the same time as some of them are defending themselves by claiming we’re ‘lacking in theory of mind’, so ‘unable to understand’ where these ‘poor parents’ are coming from! At a very basic level, it’s a profound ‘othering’, a psychological theft of our humanity. 

It’s also evident in the presumption that we simply need to learn how to ‘behave like normal people’, and our problems will all be magically solved. So if we do a social skills course, and we still have problems, it must be because of some resistance or ‘deficiency’ on our part - because, after all, they’ve “done all they can for us”.

Now we know that we’re not empty. That in fact we’re full – full of sensory reactions and unruly emotions that demand our attention and sometimes interfere with our learning, wonder at the physical world around us (even if we’re not budding scientists or computer programmers), joy in our ‘special’ interests, a straightforward honesty, puzzlement at what seems like bizarre behaviours of other people, priorities that don’t include things like small talk, not to mention distress at the way we’re treated, whether or not we can vocalise it. And more. Much more. 

I don’t know what to call the opposite of this ‘empty autism’ theory though. I’m hesitant to label it ‘the fullness of autism’ theory – it’s not only that we’re ‘full’, it’s that we’re both complex and under stress. But I don’t want to call it ‘complex autism theory’ either – as this would undoubtedly be twisted and pathologized and used against us. So I’m not sure what to call it – once again, the language of NTs fails to adequately describe the autistic reality.

What I do know is that, once again, I’m forced into the realisation that nothing less than an entire reframing of the public understanding of autism and autistics is necessary. Only when it’s seen that we are not ‘empty’ of all the things that make people human, can real progress be made. Because as has recently been noted, the public image of autism is based on us in varying degrees of distress, and is thus distorted, the signs of our distress taken as symptoms of our autism, ie as givens with our ‘disorder’. And that stress can be traced back directly to the Empty Autism theory, and the resulting misunderstanding and pathologizing of autism and autistics.

And it’s time for all that to stop. Time for the empty autism theory to be laid to rest, and for our humanity to be seen and accepted, and for our part in the full range of human diversity to be embraced. Our very survival depends on it.