I've been thinking lately about how we
aspies absolutely hate to make mistakes. It can be anything from a social
blunder to driving down the wrong street to making a slip-up at work - the type
of the mistake doesn't seem to matter as much as that we've made an error at
all. It triggers our anxiety and autistic shame, and we can get very
upset, even have meltdowns, or angst for hours, days or even weeks over
something that an NT either wouldn't fret over, or wouldn't do so for long. We
just can't seem to let mistakes go.
I have struggled with this issue myself for
most of my life, and have won only a partial victory over it, and so when I see
other aspies/auties doing it, eg in my Facebook autistic groups, I feel a
strong empathy for their pain and confusion. So I'm going to try to analyse why
we react so badly to making mistakes. Bear in mind this is not a definitive or
'final' list, more of an attempt to open discussion, sort of like lancing open
an infected wound so that it can begin to heal.
So here's why I think we react so badly.
I've listed them separately, but of course they are often entangled and
influencing each other hugely.
1) Fear. We have usually learnt to
fear other's (often forceful) negative reactions to our mistakes - their
criticism, disapproval, anger, hostility, jeering, or even outright abuse. So
when we make a mistake, we cringe in shame and perfectly understandable dread.
It's possible that this could even be the biggest reason for our dislike of
mistakes, or at least the one that first makes us aware of them.
2) Orderliness. We live in a
confusing, overwhelming, constantly changing world, and so we need to create
our own order, those routines and habits that help us manage our lives. A
mistake (eg forgetting to set an alarm clock) can disrupt this order, make us
feel like everything's falling apart, and send us into a tailspin as a
consequence.
3) Perfectionism. Any perfect
pattern or order, whether we create it or not, is soothing to our often jangled
nervous system. We like to have things fixed in place, and an error disturbs
that perfection. We get upset when others disturb the perfection we've created,
but perhaps we get even more disturbed when we do it, because we feel we
should "know better". We can hold ourselves to even higher standards
than we do others.
4) Low self-esteem. This is common
amongst autistics, caused by a lifetime of criticism and other bad experiences.
We often have to "try twice as hard to feel half as good", and so any
mistake, however small, can cause us to beat ourselves up emotionally as a
result. It's sad, but true, that sometimes we even self-criticise worse than
others have done to us.
5) Catastrophising. You all know
what I mean by catastrophising, I'm sure - that horrible negative spiral of thoughts
we can get into, where we make 'one little mistake', and before we know it,
we're imagining our whole world unravelling, our lives ruined... And
afterwards, when we realise that our worst-case-scenario thinking was totally
unfounded, it makes us feel (yet more) stupid and ashamed. I'm really not sure
if catastrophising is a cause or a consequence of our loathing of
making mistakes, maybe both, but I do think that a fear of triggering it would
make us hate mistakes even more.
6) Perseveration. We have a tendency
to go over and over events endlessly and at times obsessively in our minds,
unable to let them go, and when we do that about our mistakes, it almost always
leads to that catastrophising. And reinforces the low self-esteem, the
self-bashing, the desire for perfection, etc, etc...
So what can we do about it? How do we stop
doing this to ourselves? Perhaps we might never be able to entirely stop, but
we don't have to suffer in silence forever either. I can only offer a few
points that have helped me, I'm sure others will have other methods, this is,
as I said, hopefully the beginning of discussion, not the end.
a) Accept that we can't prevent ALL
mistakes. We are human, and therefore will blunder sometimes. Socially, we
will blunder more than most. It's important to remember NTs make mistakes too -
and because their memories don't seem to sear into their consciousness the way
ours do, they also forget (and forgive) much quicker than we do, ie make a
mistake one week and they'll have forgotten about it by the next.
b) Share with other autistics.
Sharing with NTs usually only gets us more upset, because we end up feeling
stupid and ashamed for feeling that way in the first place. But other autistics
understand where we're coming from, and can offer solid advice and support.
I've often felt much better after sharing with other aspies, and I've noticed
other aspies seem to as well.
c) Get support in learning what we CAN
prevent. What support you have will of course vary, but use every means
possible, including any supportive NTs, to 'fill in the blanks' of your
knowledge of the world. You'll be less likely to make mistakes if you're less
ignorant of a whole bunch of stuff, including social rules and what's
considered 'proper workplace behaviour'.
d) Stop with the negative self-messages.
Stop the spiral of angst and self-hatred, preferably before it gets properly
started. Meditation has helped me a lot over the years to get out of the
"Oh God I'm so stupid" thinking and into a more rational space, a lot
faster and quicker. For some, medication may be necessary to cope with their
anxieties, but it's important to remember all medications have side-effects,
and sometimes become less effective over time.
e) Have a Plan B. This is essential
for when we make mistakes in our daily routines or travel. If we miss the bus
to work for instance, perhaps we could catch another, or a train, or get
someone to drive us... there's always another way to get our routines back on
track. So always have a Plan B - and if need be, Plans C, D, E and F as well!
f) Dump your toxic connections.
Wherever possible, dump those negative people, especially the downright abusive
types and the just-don't-understand-or-want-to-understand-autism types. Yes,
even if they are family. When you're trying to repair your self-esteem, you
don't need anyone tearing you down again. Be ruthless. Press the dump button on
them.
g) Above all - forgive yourself for
making mistakes. I know this is easier to say than do, but if we can
perseverate over our mistakes, then we can turn that to perseverating over not
perseverating! We need to stop beating ourselves up for our mistakes - they
usually aren't worth it, and we deserve better than all that angst. You're
worth that, each and every one of you.
