I have become aware lately of how much I both love and hate
the world. Actually I think I've always known this, but I recently seem to have
become way more conscious of it.
When I say "the world", I mean "everything
that we know exists", and by "love", I mean love in its
broadest, spiritual sense.
I love the Universe, in all its infinite variety and
splendour, the amazing beauty of the stars and galaxies and so on. I find
pictures of space totally awesome, and mind-blowing, when you think about the
immense distances of space. They're saying now those vast distances aren't so
empty after all, which to me makes it even more awesome.
I love our planet, because it's home, and utterly beautiful
too, on the whole, still. I love wild sandy beaches, heaving oceans, thundering
waterfalls, soaring mountains, rolling hills and the ever-changing skies. I do
what I can to take care of it all. I love the environment.
I love animals too, not in any cutesy-Bambi kind of way, but
because they are what they are, and worth caring about. Pets bring pleasure to
many, working and farm animals are valuable, while wild animals play their part
in the ecology. They're all our responsibility.
I even love human beings, most especially my family and
friends of course, but also humanity in general. There are good people in the
world, many of them doing good things, things that will help the world. Even
knowing that there's also a lot of people doing harm to each other, doesn't
change my concern for everybody's welfare. I want the world to be a
better place, not only for autistics, but for everyone.
I even feel compassion, or at least pity, for those I have
the least in common with - the blandly ordinary folk whose lives seem so boring
you wonder how they stand it; the mega-rich whose wealth doesn't seem to
guarantee them personal happiness; the hate-filled religious fanatics and
"loony right" types; and even the abusers, rapists, murderers, etc,
the last two groups of whom are so far from the Light I don't know how they'll
ever find their way back. Yes, even them. (I avoid them like the plague of
course, but I still pity them from afar.)
So I love the world.
But I also hate it.
And a lot of that hate, or at least loathing, dislike,
exasperation, anger, rejection, etc, is connected to the reasons I love it.
I hate the idea of humans stuffing that beautiful Universe
up. Even though, as an avid sci-fi and fantasy fan, I've enjoyed many stories
of space travel, I kind of hope it never happens in reality. After all,
colonising different parts of our own planet didn't really improve things all
that much, did it? It simply created a whole new raft of problems.
I hate how so many people, especially those in Big Business,
seem to be racing each other to pollute and generally stuff up our planet,
would it really be so hard to be environmentally responsible? We've only got
one planet, people!
I hate how some people treat animals. I'm not sentimental,
I'm not even a vegetarian, and I know you have to assert mastery over animals
(think of dog attacks, or a 500-pound bull trampling a human into the ground,
and you'll understand why), but it doesn't need to be done with cruelty.
Mistreatment of animals upsets me deeply. And I don't like either the whole
'performing seal' thing, or dogs on cushions with bows in their hair, and so
on. The forcing of animals against their true nature seems to me a travesty of
dignity for the animals concerned.
I hate the sensory barrage of the world. The whole blaring,
glaring, flashing, whirring, humming, roaring, reeking, heaving, seething,
frantic, chaotic mess of it. I hate how bloody overwhelming it is, and how
pervasive it is. Sometimes I wish it would just STOP. Even just for a little
while.
I hate how difficult social contact is in general. It feels
like a minefield I have to tiptoe through, for fear of saying or doing the
wrong thing, and getting people mad at me. I hate feeling I have to choose
between pretending to be NT or offending people with my bluntness or
'weirdness'. And sometimes I end up offending them anyway, or they sort of
withdraw from me, or give me funny looks. I hate how tired I am at the end of
any day spent having to 'make nice', and how distant I feel from, and how
jaundiced I feel about, humanity in general by then, especially when I know that
most of them are really not bad people, and that it's me, not them. I hate how
shitty that makes me feel.
I hate the emotional games some people play. They seem to
love to spin emotional webs and jerk others around. Why can't they be honest?
Why do they have to screw with people's heads? What on earth do they get from
it? It leaves me feeling confused, lost and like the ground is shaky beneath my
feet. And then there's all those so-called 'nearest and dearest', with their
silent demands and unspoken expectations, which you can't possibly know, not
being bloody psychic, and yet they feel perfectly entitled to punish or
pressure you when you don't meet those expectations. I hate how in relating to
such people, I used to feel like I was lost in a swamp.
I hate how some people never say what they really mean,
using various kinds of roundabout talk, clichéd rubbish or New-Speak instead. This seems
particularly prevalent among politicians, bureaucrats and similar authority
figures. An offshoot of this insanity is when these same people put in place
policies designed to make them popular, but which actually harm those most in
need. You can usually spot these policies by the weasel words used to justify
them.
I hate how hard it is to navigate through the world, and how
little help many people will give you, especially if you are in any way
different. Dress differently, look differently, behave differently, be
obviously homeless, poor, an immigrant, disabled, or anything else outside the
norm, and most will simply look away, or dump on you for being whatever you
are. I hate how judgemental of difference many are.
Most of all, I hate how so many are so cruel to each other,
the damage they do, the wars they start, the oppressions they perpetuate, the
'isms' they create and keep going. I especially hate the jeering, sneering,
sniggering, name-calling, derision, bullying, beating, abuse, spirit-crushing,
cold-shouldering, forced normalisation and so on that is perpetrated on
autistics, but I also hate how anyone else who is 'not normal' is treated. I
hate that people think that it's okay to do these things to people, especially
those who are most vulnerable.
I hate how if you don't or can't or won't "fit
in", then you're cold-shouldered, excluded, and if you finally withdraw
from it all in overloaded confusion, your absence probably won't even be
noticed. The world is a cruel place, and I hate it for that.
So I hate the world. And I don't know what to do with that
hate, or how to reconcile it with that love.
How do you feel about the world?
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