Aspie Reactions to Criticism

Most aspies seem to really, really struggle with personal criticism. I’ve seen it mooted that this is because of our lack of Theory of Mind. I feel it’s more complex than that, and so I want to list here some possible reasons for why we react so badly to criticism.

1) Being Emotionally Hyper-Sensitive. It’s true that many of us, despite our lack of awareness of the non-verbal stuff, are actually acutely, and almost psychically, sensitive to emotional ‘vibes’ – and if hostility is coming our way, we can feel overwhelmed, bludgeoned, and extremely stressed by it.

2) Not Being Able To Predict It. Because we are so poor at that non-verbal stuff, and often ignorant of the more complex social nuances, we’re not able to see frustration or anger building up in others. So criticism seems to just ‘come out of nowhere’, throwing us off balance and uncertain of how to react to it. The overwhelming feeling is “what the hell did I do?” We can then spend hours, days or even years going over past interactions, analysing every word we said or didn’t say, every last little action – and still not get to the heart of it. This process can be extremely stressful, damaging to our self-esteem, and in the long run lead to withdrawal from further interaction with others, because we just don’t know when and where criticism is going to come from. The more indirect people are in their criticisms, and the more they prevaricate about speaking to us about what’s on their minds, the worse this problem is.

3) Not Knowing If The Criticism Is Valid. Because we’re such poor judges of others, we often don’t know how to evaluate their criticisms. Is the person is just having a bad day and lashing out? Are they just a nasty person in general? Is it simply a misunderstanding on their part of something you’ve said or done? Is it a lack of understanding of what having Aspergers means? Or has there been some real error on our part? How seriously should we take these criticisms? We just don’t know. Once again, the more indirect and vague the criticisms are, the worse this problem gets, and the more stress we experience (and the lower our self-esteem plummets), and usually there is no resolution for either side.

4) We Don’t Know How To Put It Right. If we’re not totally sure of the above, there’s no way we can know how to react. Should we just apologise, even if we aren’t sure what the problem really is, or don’t feel we did anything wrong? Should we try and explain ourselves? Stick up for ourselves? And if so, how? On the other hand, if there is something about ourselves that needs changing (eg the way we approach others), what do we change it to? And how? How can we be any different than what we are? We often just don’t know HOW to change, without specific guidance from others, that is usually not forthcoming. We’re expected to ‘just know’, and our lack of the correct behaviour presumed to be sheer arrogance or bloody-mindedness on our part. The hostility levels ramp up, and our distress increases with it.

There’s no easy way out of these situations. For myself, I finally came to realise the only way I can handle criticism is to –

a) make it plain that I don’t understand, and keep asking questions until I do (or people’s patience runs out!). It goes against the grain in some ways, to do this, and I know I risk being thought stupid, weird, rude, stubborn, rigid, crazy, or whatever, but I don’t care anymore, or at least not enough to stop. It’s necessary in order to preserve my own sanity.

b) at some point, when I’ve processed things as much as I can, and I start going round in mental circles, I have to ‘draw a line’ under it all, let go of it, and move on. It’s not easy, but I’ve accepted that many people will never understand (or even want to understand in many cases) where I’m ‘coming from’, may not like, tolerate or want to know me. So be it. I prefer to get along with people whenever possible, but you can’t win them all. Many times, I just have to accept less-than-perfect resolutions to any difficulties with others. It stinks, but it’s the way the world works. NTs don’t necessarily all get along perfectly, or handle criticism well either.

I’d be interested to know how other aspies/auties handle criticism, and what does - or doesn’t - work for them.

On Aspie 'Lack of Manners'

I seem to have been hearing a lot about autistic lack of ‘manners’ lately, and it’s certainly a theme that has cropped up in my life many times. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been told I’ve been rude, offensive, uncouth or bad-mannered (or had it implied). I know lots of others on the spectrum have had the same experience. The question is, what should we do about it?

I know what we shouldn’t do. And that’s try to ape NTs, try to be ‘normal’, try to be exactly like them, suppressing all signs of our ‘weirdness’, in order to ‘fit in’. I can speak from experience, as I tried very, very hard to do just this, for many decades of my life. I poured enormous amounts of time and energy into observing others, watching as closely as I could to try and figure out exactly how they behaved, and when, and why, and who with. I tried to imitate them, experimenting with this way and that, aping this person and that - always, always trying to be ‘normal’, or at least develop the facade of ‘normal’. Trying to forestall criticism, and be ‘nice’, and ‘acceptable’ to others.

And you know what? It didn’t work. Oh certainly I learnt many, many things about how to behave, what constitutes ‘good manners’, or ‘the Right Thing To Do And Say’ in a whole variety of situations. I learnt to ‘pass’, in other words. I have a whole library or system of gigantic filing cabinets in my head, of How To Behave Nicely.

But I didn’t gain all that much by it, in the long run. I still got criticised plenty. I wasn’t able to make (NT) friends, or if I did, I soon lost them again. I couldn’t start or sustain a functional relationship. I compromised my health, and at times my sanity and personal integrity. I wasted years – decades - worth of energy that could have been better spent on a career, on my creative endeavours, or simply on my own personal and spiritual growth. I could have been so much better off, financially, physically, psychologically, spiritually. So I would not recommend the path I chose to anyone else on the spectrum - and I no longer walk that path myself. I am what I am, and that will have to be enough.

However we do share this world with other people, whether we like it or not, and have to get along with them. So if we don’t go the path of being a ‘fake NT’, what should we do? What’s the bare minimum of ‘politeness’, that we should aspire to? In my next post, I hope to address that question.

27/1/2012 Note - have written three more posts on this subject, here, and here and here, on 'why we should do manners', and also the 'do's' and 'don'ts' of manners, if you're interested.

Christmas, Parties, and the Long-Distance Loneliness of Being an Aspie

The Christmas party season is upon us. Over the weekend, two different sets of neighbours have had parties. Last night, when I stepped out onto the deck for some fresh air before going to bed, I listened to the raucous merry-making from one of them. I don’t know these people (they’re rental houses, and the tenants change frequently), nor did I have any especial wish to, or to join their party, but as I listened to people enjoying themselves (or seeming to), I realised there is still a part of me that wants to be ‘normal’. (This isn’t only at Christmas time of course, it just seems more, I dunno, poignant, maybe, then.)

It’s the part of me that wishes I was the kind of person who isn’t consumed by anxiety when invited to a social event, who looks forward to it with anticipation, walks into one with confidence, is energised or relaxed simply by being there, who can dive into conversations with gusto and always knows the right thing to say, and who just LOVES being a part of one of those laughing crowds that always seem to be having SUCH a great time…

It’s the part that’s suffered through decades of social awkwardness and clumsiness, of ‘conversations’ that consist of me blurting out inanities or babbling something stupid or rabbiting on about my current favourite topic, or being totally tongue-tied and freezing up completely, or standing on the sidelines ignored by others, with drink in hand feeling stupid or bored or anxious or just plain baffled, or hiding in toilets, or so overwhelmed by anxiety at the thought of said social occasion that I never got there in the first place.

The part of me that still wishes I was able to ‘do’ that kind of thing, and all the other things that NTs do oh so, so easily.

Even though I don’t want it enough to stop being me.

It’s not that I can’t (now) go into a social occasion and make at least a facsimile of ‘small talk’, at least enough to get by (it’s only taken me several decades to learn this), or that I don’t know that not every NT is a confident social butterfly either, or that I don’t now have aspie/autie friends who also aren’t into the socialising/party thing, or that, like I said, I would want to stop being me, with all my autistic quirks and idiosyncrasies. It’s not even that I think parties are wonderful places to be, or that the people who wildly enjoy them are models to emulate or the type of people I would want to get to know. Far from it.

I really can’t explain it totally. I only know that last night, standing outside in the dark, alone, listening to the sounds of people having what seems like fun, and conscious of my lifetime of ‘outsider’ status, being an aspie suddenly felt a very, very lonely thing to be.

Why I'm Glad We Won the Rugby World Cup

Today has been a day of celebration for New Zealand, our team the All Blacks having won the Rugby World Cup last night in a nail-biting close final. I’m very glad they’ve won, though not for the reasons most might think.

For the most part, sport bores me, as it does most aspies, but rugby is about the only game that can hold my interest for even a little while. But then rugby is more than ‘just a game’ in New Zealand, it’s practically a religion. I’d be willing to bet more people play and/or watch games than go to church on Sundays. It’s a huge part of our identity, along with the haka that goes with it, and we’re unarguably the world’s best, but haven’t been able to win the ultimate trophy since the first tournament in 1987, twenty-four aching years ago. With heaps of heartbreaks and disappointments along the way, this win has been a long time coming, but that’s not really why I’m glad.

Our boys have fought a hard fight to win, all through the stages of the tournament, and especially in the last part of last night’s game – the French, only one slim point behind, threw everything they had at the ABs in the last nerve-wracking half-hour, when it would only have taken one try, one well-aimed penalty kick or drop goal, for them to win. Our team held firm, and the win is a well-deserved one, that the country and the team can be proud of. But that’s not why I’m glad either.

We’ve shown the world how a football tournament should be held - with a seven-week long festival of rugby, and (mostly) it’s been well run. The whole country has really gotten into the spirit of things, with flags and signs of support everywhere. Small towns up and down the country ‘adopted’ foreign teams to support. Visitors and foreign teams have frequently commented on how ‘friendly’ and welcoming New Zealanders have been to them. And I truly believe most of the country has been behind ‘our boys’, hanging out for that long-awaited victory. I’ve never seen anything like it. Even this sports-phobic old aspie has been caught up in the excitement at times. I’ve finally begun to understand how sport can (at least sometimes) be a Good Thing. (Wow, never thought I’d say THAT!)

I’ve also seen on TV how, in the stands or the streets, supporters of opposing teams stood side by side, or gave each other a good-natured ‘ribbing’. But no violence, apart from a few flags ripped off cars early on. Compare this, for example, with many European football (soccer) matches where supporters of opposing teams have to be forcibly kept apart not only during the game but before and after as well – even to the extent of having them enter and leave through different gates. Nothing like that here. But none of this is why I’m glad either.

I’m glad we won because we need the boost to our national morale. New Zealand has had a hard time lately. Last year, Canterbury was hit by a huge earthquake, then there was the Pike River mining disaster in which 29 men lost their lives, and then we had another Canterbury earthquake in February which saw 181 people killed, and the guts torn out of Christchurch, our second biggest city. More recently, there’s been the Rena oil spill disaster – a story not over yet – and of course in the background have been economic stresses similar to that which many other countries are suffering. We’ve been kicked and kicked hard, people are struggling, people are down, people are deeply suffering. Some have been wondering, how much more can we take? We all needed this win to boost our spirits and our pride in ourselves as New Zealanders, to prove to ourselves we can overcome diversity and come out on top, that we can climb back out of this hole and stand proud again.

Did I say I was glad we’ve won? Actually, I’m bloody ecstatic!!! Yee-HAH!!!

We Need Two New Words

I said in a previous post that we need to invent a new language for ourselves. I feel we are in particular need of two new words – words which could also help us to change that deadly negative image of autism, by defining the oppression inherent in it.

Let me digress for a minute. Back in the 70s and 80s, in the lesbian-feminist and gay rights movements, we coined a word - ‘homophobia’ - that aptly described loathing/fear/hatred of non-heterosexuals. Gays and lesbians also often had ‘internalised homophobia’. This came from being gay/lesbian in a world that largely disliked and feared us, and which was still only one step away from the ‘bad old days’ when homosexuality was regarded as ‘pathological’, a ‘sickness’ to be ‘cured’. Growing up in such a world, it’s hardly surprising that so many of us learnt to hate ourselves simply for being gay, and often even after we ‘came out’ and embraced ‘gay pride’, some of that still lingered within. On the one hand, it drove down our self-esteem, as we continued to hate those ‘obviously’ gay/dyke parts of ourselves. On the other, it meant we feared/avoided/looked down on others who, in our private view, were ‘too out there’, too ‘obvious’, too ‘different’. Thus internalised homophobia kept us powerless as individuals, and fractured as a community. These things still exist today, in spite of changing attitudes – many still believe homosexuality a ‘perversion’, and raise their children to believe this too. And if some of those children turn out gay….

At around the same time, various social movements were also coining new words – such as ‘ethnocentric’, which puts a certain race, usually white, at the centre of the universe. The implications of this throughout history have been many – slavery, colonialism, and the wholesale theft or ripping away of land and resources from ‘natives’. The excusing of killing of those ‘natives’ by whites, because they were ‘only natives’, and ‘doomed’ for extinction in the face of a ‘superior’ culture anyway. Native languages and culture being seen as ‘inferior’ and ‘savage’, and harshly repressed or even outlawed. Ways of life that had existed for centuries or even millennia destroyed, tribes and families broken or obliterated, rebellions cruelly put down. Etc, etc. And like homophobia, this attitude still exists today, even if the worst excesses of colonial power/racism are safely in the past. It surfaces every time some indigenous person dares to suggest that their different viewpoint should be taken into consideration on some issue. There’s still an implicit attitude that ‘white is best’, that European culture is superior, and everything else should take second place – or third, fourth, or last.

So we need two new words that describe these same attitudes towards us on the spectrum. One that describes the fear/hatred/loathing/rejection of the state of being autistic, and of autistics themselves; and the negative attitude many autistics have towards themselves as a result. ‘Aspie-phobia’? But not all of us fit the definition of Aspergers, or want that label. ‘Autistic-phobia’? Too long, and a bit clumsy, as is ‘autie-phobia’. Another alternative is something along the lines of ‘misogyny’ or ‘misanthropy’ – mis-autism? Hmmm… Maybe not.

The second word we need is one that describes the ‘neurotypical-centric’ view of the universe that currently prevails, and which is responsible for autism being seen as ‘lesser than’, an ‘inferior’ or ‘wrong’ state to be obliterated or cured as fast as possible so that all those poor autistic people can be just like the ‘normals’. And so those ‘normals’ never have to confront the ‘different’ ones, or accept that the culture of the ‘inferior’ ones might have any validity whatsoever, or that there might be anything good about being ‘different’. ‘Neuro-centric’? Sounds like a brain disease. ‘Neurotypical-centric’? Too long again. ‘NT-centric’? Most people outside the autistic community won’t know what NT means.

I’m out of ideas, so I’m throwing the field wide open. Any ideas, anyone??

Justice for Arie - Part Three

One little-known facet of Arie’s case has been the ‘non-association order’ that was put on Arie and Michael. Meant to stop hardened criminals from getting together to plan their next crime, it was singularly inappropriate in this case. Not only are Michael and Arie not ‘hardened criminals’, there’s a definite whiff of homophobia involved, in the sense of a same-sex relationship not being given the same value as a heterosexual one. Can anyone really imagine a straight couple, a married couple even, being slapped with such an order? Being ordered, in effect, to live apart, and have no contact at all? Would such an order even have been sought, let alone granted, if the partners were a male and female?

This order has taken a huge toll on them. They lost their flat, as they couldn’t live together. Their furniture had to be largely given away, as they had nowhere to store it. Their cat, left to fend for itself the first eleven days while they were both in jail, went ‘walkabout’, and has only just been found again recently by Michael. By the time the order was finally lifted, after three months, they were living with others on opposite sides of the city, and hardly able to see each other even then. They tried to move to another city and start again, but that proved difficult as they had to keep coming back to Christchurch for repeated court appearances.

The emotional toll it caused as well can only be guessed at. Though Arie was released from jail after eleven days, Michael spent six weeks inside – all the time without being able to have contact with his beloved partner. Though both had others around them for support, to not be able to even talk to the main person in your life must have been distressing. For Arie, as an aspie, it would also have been extremely difficult to be without his main ‘interpreter’, mediator and supporter in dealing with the confusions and stresses of the NT world. Any aspie who has such a partner or who feels the lack of one, will know how hard that must have been. As for Michael, he says of Arie simply, “he’s my rock”.

Arie and Michael – plus cat – are now planning to start their lives over again in a new city. They have behaved with enormous dignity and restraint throughout this whole business, and I’m sure many will join us Kiwi aspies and Arie’s NT supporters in wishing them all the best, and hope that their future proves to be a whole lot brighter than their recent past.

Justice for Arie - Part Two

The police press release about the dropping of charges in the Arie case is a litany of untruths. It has to be wondered – has Police Superintendent Cliff actually studied the facts of the case (and if he hasn’t, why not), or is this the version of events he’s been told (in which case someone has fed him some choice fibs), or is he telling us fibs himself?

Let’s examine those untruths. (And bear in mind, these words are from the official Police press release, on their website.) Firstly, he says that the two men were “seen entering” a building in the forbidden and patrolled ‘Red Zone’ of the CBD. He says that after “initially running from the police”, the two “were not compliant” and had to be “forced to the ground to be handcuffed”, and that it was in the course of this that Arie received a “bang to the side of his face”. He further says that they were “affected by alcohol and potentially drugs at the time of arrest”.

He then goes to defend the refusal of the police to grant diversion, claiming that this is only for those who “accept responsibility” for the offense, and then contradicts himself by saying that as there was a possibility of “issues of intellectual impairment which may [have offered] a defence”, they couldn’t grant it anyway. He maintains that “there were only two New Zealand police officers involved” and “no other police or defence staff [were] present as was later claimed”, and that he “fully back[s] the actions of the officers involved. Their actions were entirely appropriate”. He says that the reason that the “resolution” of these charges has taken so long is because of the delay in getting a psychiatric report, which indicated “diminished responsibility” on Arie’s part. And that they consequently decided to give Michael the “benefit of the doubt” as a result.

Translation and implications :- “they were two drunken and probably drugged louts caught red handed where they shouldn’t have been, doing what they shouldn’t have been, they tried to scarper (indicating sure guilt of something), they tried to fight the police and resist arrest, we didn’t hit them, the ground did it, they tried to weasel out of the charges, and in the end we let them off because Arie is a retard or a nutcase and we decided to let Michael off because he was there to look after his “mental” partner. But we’d do it all over again the same way if we had to.”

Sigh.

Now for the truth – the building was NOT in the Red Zone, but well outside it, and close to Arie and Michael’s home. The two men couldn’t have been spotting entering it, as Arie was in there for some while before Michael entered (it’s believed their torchlight was what attracted police attention). Arie had consumed a mere two glasses of wine earlier in the evening, and he never does drugs. They did not run, but rather froze in shock. Nor did they struggle or resist arrest, from the same shock, as they were quickly seized, thrown down and handcuffed, even as they tried to ask what was happening, or explain their presence there. And Michael maintains he clearly saw Arie receive a blow to the head after they were thrown to the ground. He also clearly remembers Arie’s stutter, which appears when he is under stress, being mocked and jeered at. And they still maintain there were more than two officers involved.

Subsequent to this, Arie did initially plead guilty, but despite the recommendations of no less than three judges, the police refused to grant diversion. The police were in possession of a psychiatric assessment as far back as May. And Arie and Michael’s real defense has always been not that Arie is ‘intellectually impaired’, but that no serious crime was actually committed by the pair. Arie has a slight speech impediment, but his intelligence is obviously normal, as is, I don’t doubt, his ability to know right from wrong. On the night in question, I believe it never occurred to him, in the midst of pursuing his ‘intense interest’ (I dislike the words ‘obsession’ or ‘compulsion’), that his actions could be interpreted as ‘wrong’.

Now some might think, ah well, what do a few details matter anyway? He got off, right?

But whenever the police publicly brand someone with the label of ‘looter’, or ‘burglar’ - or drunk, or drugged, or anything - the general population tends to take this as Gospel Truth, simply because it’s coming from the police, so it must be true, right? And if the defendant/s or their lawyer/s say something different, well, they would, wouldn’t they? The paradox is, that this gives the police carte blanche to lie if they want, and sometimes they do, because they can. I have seen it happen with my own eyes.

The untruths are not just a case of ‘sour grapes’, or a parting ‘up yours’ from the police. Potentially, they are seriously damaging to the public perception of those on the spectrum, which is not that good to start with. Many of the general public will have got the impression that here is a young man who got off serious charges because he ‘played the Aspergers card’. Or that having Aspergers means you’re a psychiatric case or intellectually disabled. The language of the media, who have consistently referred to Arie as ‘suffering’ from Aspergers, hasn’t really helped any. And the very people who we should be able to turn to for protection, may now prove to be our worst enemies.

Nor is this totally theoretical – every time this issue has come up on some public forum, on Facebook or elsewhere, someone always pops up with statements like “Well, if they do the crime, they should do the time”, or “no-one should get away with looting just because they’re aspie”. Repeatedly, those of us who know the real story have had to emphasize (you can almost hear the collective gritted teeth) that ARIE. WAS. NOT. LOOTING. End of. (I should add here, that this attitude comes equally from NTs and aspies, putting paid to the idea that aspies themselves believe we should have a ‘get out of jail free’ card, or that we lack the ability to form a sound moral code.) So simply by the police labelling Arie and Michael as ‘looters’, some believe their guilt from the start.

We aspies can be pleased that there’s been such unprecedented attention about this, that we adults on the spectrum have finally achieved a little public attention, and above all, of course, that there’s been a good outcome for Arie and Michael. But it has to be weighed against the damage done to our public image by such statements, damage that may take years or even decades to undo.

Do you hear that noise? It’s the sound of a whole bunch of Kiwi autistic adults banging their heads against the nearest wall, in despair or frustration …or a deep-seated and growing rage.

Suppressing My Autistic Reactions

It seems this has been a month for getting things off my chest. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how for so long I’ve repressed and stifled my ‘natural autistic self’, ie turned a natural reaction into something else, or somehow covered it up, suppressed all outward manifestations of it, or simply stopped myself completely from doing it, at least in front of others.

So far, I can see two main areas in which I’ve done this. The first is sensory-related. Almost as far back as I can remember, my acute sensory perceptions have not been granted any validity, or any space simply to exist. When I complained, displayed discomfort, tore off an irritating item, ripped a label out, put my hands over my ears, covered my eyes, insisted on a hat and sunglasses even on grey winter days, refused to eat certain foods, gagged or retched – whatever the reaction was, to an overwhelming stimulus – others’ responses were all pretty similar:–

“You’re too picky”. “Don’t be so fussy”. “It’s not bothering anyone else.” “Why on earth are you wearing that?” “It can’t really be that bad.” “Can’t you just put up with it?” “You’re so weird.” “You’re being over-sensitive.” “Just be quiet.” “Quit complaining.” “You’re making a fuss about nothing.”

And on and on. So, over time, especially as I grew into adulthood, I did stop complaining. I shut up. I gritted my teeth, hunched my shoulders, and forced myself to endure - piercing, blinding lights that made my eyes run like Niagara. Smells that made my gorge rise and my skin crawl. Foods that made me gag and my stomach lurch. Clothing that felt like people were sticking pins in me. Noise that battered me, or seemed to be drilling holes in my head. And when I couldn’t bear it anymore, I fled. I hid, learning to cry without sound, in private, in toilets, or head down in cars, or behind bedroom doors. I learnt to not buy strongly scented toiletries or cleaning fluids, and some types of fabrics. I avoided certain foods, and noisy places and people. I circled around strong smells, or left the room. I made excuses and invented reasons why I couldn’t do something or other. I got called ‘anti-social’, and asked ‘where did you get to?’, and ‘what are you doing in there?” (Toilets are a great place to hide, you can always answer “what do you think I’m doing!?”) I grew ashamed of my ‘weakness’. I assumed others were somehow stronger than me, braver than me, better than me. I saw myself as ‘less than’ them, for not being able to put up with the things they said were ‘nothing’. It never occurred to me that they didn’t experience the same reactions I did. I leave it up to you, to imagine the toll all this took on my nerves and physical strength, not to mention my self-esteem.

The other area in which I suppress my ‘autistic’ reactions is in my movements. I hesitate to call them ‘stims’, as I’m still not entirely sure what counts as a stim. All I know is, my whole life I’ve had these movements I feel compelled to do. I rock gently, or twist and contort my body around. I do a jiggle up and down; or rise onto my toes and down again, I move from one foot to the other, wiggle my toes, or do a kind of ‘all-over’ wriggle. I run my fingers along any pattern, on a tablecloth or whatever. I fiddle with scraps of paper, or my watch, or some other part of my body, like my ears. I do a sort of ‘twisting’ motion with my hands. And sometimes, especially if I’m restless, or feeling good for some reason, I sit up in bed and bounce like it’s a trampoline, or maybe thrash my legs around, or my arms, maybe laughing, or crying a bit. And others I can’t describe - they are simply movements that help me connect to my body and the world around me.

And people’s reactions?

“Sit still.” “Stop fidgeting.” “What’s up with you?” “Do you need to go to the toilet?” “You look like you’re about to take off!” “Have you got ants in your pants?” “What are you so excited about?” “What’s with the dance?”  “God you look so weird when you do that.” “Oooh-kaaay…” Sniggers, stares and ridicule. Jeering comments thrown from passing cars.

And more, and more. And yes, over time I stopped a lot of these too. There are some things I haven’t done since childhood, such as jumping up and down when excited or upset, or twisting around and hanging upside down on living room chairs. And the rest, well I learnt to do them in private behind a closed door, or when no-one else was around. In time I suppressed so many I couldn’t even do them in private anymore. (And then I wondered why I felt tense so often, or detached from my body. Huh.) Some movements I learnt to disguise, turning them into something else, something more ‘socially acceptable’, or to make excuses for them (“I’m just doing a stretch.” “I’ve got an itch.” “My wrists are stiff from the computer.”). It’s only since learning about AS, that I’ve begun to examine my movement patterns, and realise how much I’ve suppressed or disguised, not even admitting to myself that I did anything ‘unusual’. This really struck home for me the other day, when I was out for a walk. It was late, getting dark, the light was poor, and no-one was around. I was only dimly aware I was doing a movement with my hands that could best be described as a sort of twist-and-flick at the air – until car lights warned me of approaching vehicles, and I turned it first into a clapping motion, then a rubbing of hands together. It was cold, so this was okay, right? I thought, my God, how many times have I done this, automatically changed a motion that feels good, into something basically meaningless and useless to me, but ‘passable’ to others, simply in order not to attract unwelcome attention?

And what price have I paid for it? What price have I paid, for suppressing so much of my self, my natural movements and reactions to the world? How much of a part did this play, for instance, in my getting Chronic Fatigue Syndrome? I know that stress was and is a major factor in my illness. How much stress has been contributed by these suppressions of my true self, I wonder.

And how much can I reclaim what is natural to me? I’ve learnt the hard way that it’s not good to make a target of yourself. That’s become too ingrained in me now to just drop, even if it wasn’t unwise. But I would like to at least when by myself or with others on the spectrum, or others I trust, to let my true self emerge more. To say when some noise or smell is too much, or that I don’t wish to eat certain foods. To move in ways that soothe me or let out stress. To be honest. To be me. The real me, not the self I became to please or placate others. I am so tired of not being that true self.

To be my real aspie self. That’s what I want, more than anything. Wish me luck with it.

My Outlook on Life

I’ve been meaning to do a piece on my spiritual views for ages, and I will get to it soon. But first I want to say something about my general outlook on life.

The central fact anyone needs to know about me, is that I am a spiritually-orientated person. The thing I desire the most is to be One with The Infinite. Because nothing else beats that feeling, no high or thrill of any kind. The Love of the Infinite is the most powerful force in the Universe, and if you know that Love, you cannot but help love Its creations, human beings. Or perhaps it’s more accurate to say, you cannot help but feel compassion, because humans in general are in a mess. Wars, oppression, poverty, violence and difficulties of all kinds, from large to small - we all know what a sorry state the world is in. And most of the pain is caused by humans themselves, on themselves or other humans. You have to either loathe them or feel sorry for them, and I prefer the latter. Because to allow bitterness, prejudice and intolerance into my heart, takes me away from God, and I’m not going to allow that to happen.

I admit, in my earlier years I often felt that bitterness, and even sometimes edged close to that intolerance and prejudice, because of the pain that is the inevitable result of living with undiagnosed, unknown-even-to-me Aspergers. Those on the spectrum, especially those over thirty, will know the struggle of which I speak. But though I often floundered in confusion and angst, I couldn’t ever sustain negativity, not completely, and never for long, it simply isn’t in my nature. In the end, burnt-out and worn-out from trying to be ‘normal’, I knew I had to take a different approach to life – or die. It was that stark. I couldn’t go on any longer the way I had, I was beyond even ‘running on empty’, I was bone-dry, not a drop left in the tank. It was at that point I sought out a spiritual centre and learnt meditation, consciously stepping onto the spiritual path, which I’ve been on ever since (admittedly with a good deal of meandering!). Over a decade of meditation, prayer and ‘living with God’ has not only given me tools to cope with the world, it’s helped me to understand this crazy old world better – and to feel compassion for it. I see the pain, I see the troubles, and my heart can’t help but be moved. It’s who I am, what I am.

So I feel this compassion, and naturally I want to help. Well, I’m still an aspie, and I can’t cushion things much – I speak the truth, about how I see things. But here’s the thing – I want that truth to be a way by which people are helped. As a writer, words are my stock-in-trade, and I do my damndest to use them wisely; to help people see their own Truths, to clarify their lives, understand themselves and others better, simplify complicated situations, and generally make the world a better place. (Because who the heck wants it to be a worse one?) I see this as a responsibility that comes with having a gift for using words. So though I may at times seem forthright, even blunt, it’s not with the intent to hurt, but rather with the object of ‘cutting through the thicket’, unravelling the complicated, and laying bare the heart of the problem. Sometimes, yes, this is painful. But only when the problem is clear, can people actually do something

about it. If I can’t find the right words to help someone to see their way, or if I feel unclear in myself about what’s happening, then I try to refrain from saying anything (or at least until something does become clear). I remind myself that no-one but God can know everything. (And in case you were wondering, yes, I also do this ‘cutting through the thicket’ on myself. How else do you think I learnt it?)

It may seem arrogant to some, this belief that I can help others simply through my words. Let me be clear on this - I have no illusions (a kind of wistful hope, maybe, but no illusions), that I can, simply by my words, ‘wave a magic wand’, and utterly transform people’s lives for the better. Sometimes my words are rejected, resented, or ignored. Fine, no-one has to listen to me, and I’m not the fount of all wisdom. (If I was, I’d have handled my own life better!) But I do have certain understandings, mostly gained the hard way, and if I feel I can help, I will say something. And more than that, I seek to be a channel for a Greater Wisdom – something that doesn’t come from me so much as through me. And sometimes you can sort of ‘plant seeds’ in people’s minds, which might grow and flower in time. Or just enable them to look at things a different way, empower them to make their own changes. Others have done this for me in the past, I’m simply passing the favour on.

So my philosophy can be summed up basically as – to do good whenever I can, or at least to do no harm. I figure there’s enough negative energy and aggro in the world already, and I don’t want to add to it. I want to help people when I can, and if not, then refrain from making things worse. Sounds simple, perhaps even ‘woolly-wafty-liberal’, but it’s actually pretty radical, and not always easy in practise. I admit, I have my bad times. Times when I feel down and rejecting of the world for a while; or times I curse out a driver who cuts me off in traffic and give Jesus Christ a new middle name (though this is mainly fear, because my driving reactions are not that fast, and drivers who drive recklessly or carelessly scare the crap out of me); and other times I get stressed and snap at someone, or I say the wrong thing – even when it feels right - and hurt someone’s feelings. And still other times I know there’s probably something I could say, but I’m too emotionally scattered or stressed to find the words, or the energy to say them. There are people I fail. I’m human, I have shortcomings and make mistakes and blunders like anyone else. And I’m also aspie, with all that that entails.

But the main thing is that I try. I have this approach to life, this outlook, because it’s the only way I can live with myself, the only way I can stay close to The Infinite, the only way I can be a spiritual being and a person with Aspergers, and not succumb to pain, bitterness, and the downward spiral. It’s the only way I can live. Literally.

Hope, Harvey Milk and aspies

 Recently I was watching a DVD of the film ‘Milk’, about Harvey Milk, the first openly gay elected public official in the USA. It’s a great movie, and I’d recommend it to anyone. But what particularly struck me, near the end, were the words that Harvey had recorded on tape, to be played ‘in the event of my assassination’. (Which of course, is precisely what happened.) Anyway, this is what he had to say –

“I ask for the movement to continue, because it’s not about personal gain, it’s not about ego, it’s not about power. It’s about the ‘us’s’ out there. Not just the gays but the blacks and the Asians, the seniors and the disabled. The ‘us’s’. Without hope, the ‘us’s’ give up. And I know you can’t live on hope alone. But without hope, life is not worth living. So you, and you, and you, you got to give them hope. You got to give them hope.”

You got to give them hope. Back then, young (and not so young) gays – and lesbians, and blacks, and all the minority groups - were killing themselves, because they had no hope. Sometimes, they still do. But there’s another group who, unknown to many, have also had a high suicide rate. I mean those on the autistic spectrum. I’ve felt desperate enough myself at times – if I didn’t, it was because of some basic inhibition against it in my nature, rather than because my life suddenly looked like it was going to change for the better.

But it’s not just about suicides, I realized. It’s about what kind of world we want to live in, what kind of values we live by, what kind of people we want to be. Do we want a world in which every person’s human rights are respected? Do we believe every human being is equal, worthy of respect, worthy of being treated like a human being, regardless of what race, ethnicity, religion, gender, sexual orientation, physical disability, mental illness, developmental disorder or neurological difference they have?

Or do we want a world of division, of hatred, of prejudice, of judging and separation, of ‘apartheids’ of all kinds? Do we want a world where people are treated as ‘lesser than’ and abused by individuals or ‘the system’, simply because they are ‘not like thee and me’? Because something about them – whatever it is - is different? Those who have studied history have only to look to Nazi Germany or South Africa, to know where that ultimately leads.

It’s not necessary to join any political or social movements to be a decent person. You simply have to recognise the basic equality of all human beings. Ultimately, in my eyes, this is a spiritual principle, as all humans are beloved equally by The Divine Power, but you don’t have to be a conscious believer in God either to do it. You simply have to choose – do you go for divisions between people, and all the hatred, prejudice and oppressions that follow on from that, or do you go for inclusion and reaching out to those ‘others’?

What kind of person do you want to be? What kind of world do you want to live in? That’s the real question. It’s your choice.

Article Number Three

Okay, I'm on a roll here. Article number three went up yesterday. It's about cooking and baking without wheat or dairy, and is the sum of the better part of thirty years experience and experimenting with this. I feel it's something many aspies might be interested in. Note that I'm talking about wheat free, not gluten free, baking.

Anyway, here it is, at  http://www.suite101.com/content/look-ma-no-wheat-or-dairy-a357450

Aspie Rambling on and on (and on and on...)

It’s been brought home to me lately that we aspies tend to ramble a lot. Someone asks us a question, or makes a comment, and it sparks off a train of thought in our minds, and we’re away. We rabbit on and on. We digress. We ‘perseverate’, we go off on our own tangents, talking about what interests us, what stray thoughts are passing through our minds, and don’t stop to notice the other person’s reactions, consider their feelings and needs, or even whether we’ve really answered the question or not. The result is something like a good friend says -

“Like if someone comes to you and says, “Let's go eat out. Where would you like to go?" Instead of answering that question, which is a basic question, you go on and on about where you ought to not go, and how one time you went to this one place, and it was awful, and you don't like this, or that, and while you're on the subject you don't like this or that sort of activity, either. And really, how important is eating anyway? Why do people eat?
You see, now you're not even on the subject, you didn't answer the question, give any advice, or really share any important info. Your intent was not to upset the person asking you to lunch, but that is what would happen."

The way I see it, there are three types of ‘ramblings’ we tend to do.

1) The ‘TMI’ ramble. In this case, in answer to the above question, we might start out saying something like “Well, ‘X’ café has nice salads…” If we stopped there, things would be fine. But we feel compelled to add “…and restaurant ‘Y’ does nice bagels, but they aren’t gluten-free; that little coffee shop down on the Main Street however does do some gluten-free stuff, while restaurant ‘Z’ has…” and on and on. Though we’re still ‘on topic’, it’s as if we feel we have to give a review of every eating place in town! The usual reaction is a blank stare indicating the other person is overwhelmed, or an irritated “make up your mind!”

2) The ‘Negative’ ramble. The above quote from my friend is a good example of this. We say all the places we don’t like, all the foods they have we can’t or won’t eat, how the music is too loud at one place, and the chairs uncomfortable at another, and yet another the service is bad, etc etc. The usual response I get to this is a grumpy “well is there anywhere you do like?!”

3) The ‘Completely-Off-Topic’ ramble. This is also happening in the above quote. We may start out talking about coffee shops and the like, but then we remember a bad experience we had in one, or a thread of thought we were following the last time we were there, and we’re off. Bunny-hopping from one topic to another, following what seems perfectly logical connections to us, but not to those we’re with. Again, the other person is likely to be overwhelmed, irritated, or even upset. They may even feel like we don’t really want to go to lunch with them, and that this is our way of avoiding it, when we didn’t intend that at all.

I have to confess, I have been guilty of all three of these, and I suspect if we were honest with ourselves, most aspies have been. I believe this phenomenon of ‘rambling’ comes from a capacity within us that can be both an asset and a liability.

It’s an asset, becos it’s the source of much of our creativity and originality of mind. We follow our own path, paying little or no regard to such limitations as fashions, conventions, traditions, getting along with the neighbours, workplace politics, sucking up to the boss to get promotions, or the straight-jacket of the ‘it-can’t-be-done’ mentality. We have a thought of “I wonder if…” or “what would this look like…?” and go with it, for however far or long it takes us, producing amazing inventions or far-reaching scientific discoveries; we listen to the depths of our own souls and minds and produce paintings, books, songs, etc, that come from our unique viewpoints, and not from following what is ‘fashionable’ in the world of contemporary art, literature, or music. We go for what appeals to us, and leave others gasping in our wake.

It’s a liability, however, in the social arena, because it’s the source also of much of our inability to get along with others – even, at times, other aspies. We bore, we irritate, we bewilder and annoy. Occasionally, we infuriate, and people cut off all contact with us. They think us boring, stupid, snobbish, weird, arrogant, rude, and/or selfish. We can be misunderstood even by other aspies, who sometimes aren’t any better at understanding where other aspies are coming from than NTs are, and make assumptions about the motives for this behaviour which would probably astonish the offending one, if they knew them. It is, I believe, the source of a great deal of misunderstandings and quarrels and upsets, in both aspie-NT and aspie-aspie communications.

And of course, in its origins, it all boils down to one thing – that old lack of ‘theory of mind’ - ie, how much (or more likely, how little) we understand about how others feel or think, what their likely reactions are to what we’re saying, in short ‘where others are coming from’, and being able to ‘put ourselves in their place’. We all suck at this, it’s part of being aspie, though some of us get better as we get older. I’m feeling more and more that the theory of mind issue is our biggest problem, and the one that most gets in our way in our dealings with others. It is, I feel, at the base of many of our social interaction struggles. Some seem to think it’s our lack of social skills, but if we don’t have theory of mind, we struggle to understand even why we should develop those skills. We don’t ‘get’ superficial conversation, or the rules of ‘politeness’. We don’t need them, so we struggle to see any point to them, and hence struggle to develop them. Some point-blank refuse to even try. To us, it might as well be hieroglyphics (in fact, many of us would be more interested in the hieroglyphics!). Yet to others, strange as it may seem, they are both necessary and wanted.

So here is my thought – that we allow ourselves to ‘go for it’, when alone, when working, when ‘doing our own thing’, and being creative. BUT when trying to ‘socialize’, to communicate and interact with others, we follow one basic rule – DON’T RAMBLE. Say something brief – and then SHUT UP. If the other person needs or wants more info, they’ll ask.

If you want to take it a step further, and hone emergent social skills, ask yourself one simple question – did I actually answer their question? Or, if it was a comment or general conversation, was my comment actually ‘on-topic’? It’s possible, in this way, to pay attention and stop ourselves when we feel that we’re about to ‘go off’. Generally speaking, if we’ve spoken for more than ten seconds in response to another’s question or comment, we’ve probably gone on too long, and it’s time to stop! This can apply online too – before posting an answer on Facebook, Twitter, a forum or message board, etc, go back to the original comment, question or post, and ask yourself – have I answered it? Or have I waffled on about something else entirely?

The rules of social interaction are too complex and too ‘non-verbal-cue-dependent’ for us to ever truly and entirely ‘get’ them, but I believe it’s possible to improve at least a little, or at least not to seriously bore, overwhelm or irritate others, through using simple rules like these.

On Emotions vs Feelings, and Politics

A few weeks ago, I had the unpleasant experience of getting involved in an online debate on a political issue. I made the mistake of thinking I could bring some light and fresh air into a very heated, dark place. Instead, I became the recipient of a vicious tirade of personal abuse and contempt. Eventually, I left, not because I was overwhelmed by their arguments, but because I did not want to be dragged down to their level.

One piece of their abuse, however, kept bugging me. They said several times I was using ‘emotional’ arguments, which confused me– it seemed to me they were the ones using emotive terms, and I was being my usual rational aspie self. Finally – after I’d left – I realized why. It’s because they confused emotions with feelings.

Huh, you might say? What’s the difference? I used to think them the same too. Then a spiritual teacher whom I greatly respected, pointed out the difference, and after due reflection, I realized she was right. Basically, it runs like this.

Emotions are things of the moment. They’re the rapid response to what’s happening around you, the swift happiness, anger, sadness, surprise, etc. They’re heady, and often overwhelming, but they’re ephemeral. That doesn’t mean they have no validity – there’s nothing wrong, for instance, with being annoyed if your spouse forgets your birthday – but they are not good grounds for making life-changing decisions.

Feelings, however, are quieter, but more long-lasting. They are the result, usually, of years or even decades of thinking, reflecting, and processing the Big Issues of life.  They take form through the rational processes of our minds, but come from deep in our hearts, or our souls. They form an undercurrent that often gives rise to emotions, but are not the emotions themselves. At times, these deeper feelings rise up and cause us to make profound changes to our lives – ending a relationship, changing careers, moving to another country, taking a new spiritual path. It’s best to heed what these feelings are trying to tell you, because you’ll only suffer if you don’t.

When I entered the above political argument, I was coming from both my mind and my deepest feelings. I argued for compassion, for understanding of difficult situations people might find themselves in, for accepting that life is not perfect, and nor are people and situations. Because this is the approach I take to life, the result of years of observation and reflection on life and the human race. Moreover, I consider this a perfectly valid ground to argue from. It combines both intellect and heart, and thus the very best of both ‘left’ and ‘right’ brain activity. It’s integrated. It’s individualistic. And as an aspie, I am very much into being an individual, and using my brain and my heart to work through matters.

So I left the argument, because my ‘opponents’ were using the emotive arguments of hatred, narrow-minded intolerance and bigotry. Theirs is the sort of fanaticism that can give rise to violence in the service of their ‘cause’, which scares the hell out of me, and none of which I want any part of. That is not my nature, and not my path in this world. And I find it sad that so many do follow such a path. I believe it’s one big reason, possibly the reason, why the world is in such a mess today. I’d be interested to know how others feel about this.