Don’t get me wrong here. I’m all too familiar with the problems aspies have in employment and education, and with the world in general, and the huge stresses we can experience. I know how it can lead to mental or even physical illness, and how we can end up ‘dropping out’ of jobs, education, etc, etc. I most whole-heartedly agree we need more accommodations and support when we do go into higher education, training or jobs. And I strongly support the idea of young autistics taking a ‘gap year’ – or more - between school and further education. But none of that is either reason or excuse to sit back and do nothing at all.
Perhaps this is one area where we older aspies, diagnosed later in life, have an advantage. We’ve been out in the world, doing all sorts of things that autistics aren’t ‘supposed’ to be able to do, and learnt both our strengths and our limits. We know what we’re capable of, because we’ve already done it. So the idea that we should ‘not even try’ is ludicrous to most of us. My own life is an example of this. I joined the workforce for the first time at 17 (totally ‘unready’, but I did it anyway), and have worked at all manner of jobs since, with varying degrees of success. Moreover, though I’ve spent a lot of time out of the workforce due to chronic illness, most years that I wasn’t too sick, I’ve done either university study or some kind of community education, back in the 80s I was in the feminist and anti-racism movements, while in the 90s I was into women’s spirituality and New Age activities. I’ve also been married to a man, spent nine years ‘married’ to a woman, raised a child, done quite a bit of volunteer work, not to mention my own creative work, amongst many other things. And yes, it was often very hard, and if I’d had more support, understanding and mentoring, maybe it would have been so much easier, I would have succeeded better, probably wouldn’t have gotten ill, and would have had a different life altogether… But, but, BUT!! NO WAY do I think I should have just sat at home and not even tried. Where on earth would that have gotten me?
These young people seem to have got hold of distorted, not to mention very limited, ideas of what being autistic means, in terms of their human potential. Anita implies their parents are largely to blame, as they drag their children from therapist to therapist, so that the children “begin to think there must be something wrong with them… [which becomes] a self-fulfilling prophecy.” Societal attitudes that autism is a ‘disease’ and a ‘tragedy’, and ‘expert’ opinions which focus on autistic ‘deficiencies’ and not on our strengths, must also share the blame. They have sucked these autistics into sharing their negativity, and are creating the very ‘burden’ that society fears. And yes, I know there are many young people with autism who are NOT like this at all, and which I loudly cheer! My concern however is that even some are, that they’re sitting around at home, lost and cut off from their own potential, believing that they “can’t” fully take part in all that life has to offer.
By doing so, they may not suffer various stresses – but they never experience the highlights of life either. They miss out on the joy and satisfaction of pouring yourself into an interesting course of study, and the absorbing and worthwhile career that can follow it. They never know the fulfilment of finally graduating after years of hard work, the honest praise of bosses and co-workers for a job well done, or the delights (and the challenges) of having relationships, children, community involvement, etc, etc. They never experience the personal growth and development, the plumbing of their depths and testing of their limits, that all of these can bring. They’re cut off from the world, and it’s all so, so unnecessary! (Anita points out another reason for not just sitting back and giving up – namely that these young people can end up eventually in institutions or homes when their parents are gone, a valid point.)
Yes, we find so many things hugely more challenging that NTs do, and it’s up to each individual to decide how much and what they can do, but some challenges are an inevitable part of life, for everyone. These challenges fall into several categories – the ones that we can cope with okay, the ones that need to be ‘managed’ or ‘mitigated’, the ones that we should totally avoid, and the ones that will really stretch us, but which we wouldn’t miss for the world. To go back to my own life for a moment, the autism conference I recently attended fell into the latter category for me. I got there at all only because of a lot of help from my friends, it involved weeks of preparation, long bus journeys, coping with lots of noise, crowds and various anxieties, long days filled with lots of talk and walking to and fro, etc, etc, and afterwards I was exhausted, both physically and emotionally, even falling ill for a while. But I got so much out of it too – not only did I get to spend some great times with my fellow autistics, I believe the conference itself was a hugely important event, hopefully a turning point for autistics in NZ, and I am so glad I went.
Not that I am saying we all need to attend conferences, but rather that we need to teach these young people not to shy away from all difficulties that come their way. We need to show them that being diagnosed autistic is not the end of their life, just the beginning of a new phase of it. That there are ways to cope with difficulties, to ‘work around’ problems, and that we older aspies (as well as the more active younger ones) have wisdom to share about this.
Because we are all capable of so much more than just sitting around doing needlepoint and feeling sorry for ourselves. (I have no special beef against needlepoint, just that if that’s all you’re doing, it’s not much of a life.) If an autistic finds or feels that they can’t do one thing, then they should try another. If one job or profession doesn’t suit, choose a different one. If a young person doesn’t feel ready yet for university, they could still be preparing for it. Or they could do polytech study or on-the-job training instead. They could do volunteer work. The choices are endless. But what they shouldn’t do, is nothing at all! The supports (where they exist) are meant to help us participate in the world, not to keep us apart from it. And where supports don’t exist, there are still ways to get through.
I want these ‘My-Autism-Is-A-Death-Sentence’ autistics to get up off their behinds and go out into the world, in one way or another, to do something with their lives, because their idea that ‘their life is over’ when they are diagnosed, is based on a totally wrong conception of what having autism/Aspergers means. As Anita says, “It’s not a disease, it’s a way of life.” Though some would deny it, we are human beings, with all the chances and choices, the freedoms and obligations, that this means. As tempting as it can be sometimes to swear permanent retreat, especially at times of overload (that FTW feeling), all autistics need to be part of the world, in whatever way, and as much, as we can individually do, in order to have a life worth living.