As I said
in my earlier post, I believe that becoming part of the autistic community –
even if it’s only online – is essential to ridding ourselves of shame. When we
first join it, no matter how tentatively, we start to read the stories of
others on the spectrum, and compare notes - and to realize we are not the only
ones who ever did this, felt that, had this or that reaction. We experience
being accepted and understood for the
first time. Eventually we start to think, hey these people are just like me,
and yet they seem pretty okay people, in fact more than okay… Maybe I’m okay
too…
Because
it’s in this talking with others on the spectrum, that we start uncovering what
exactly about our autism/aspergers make us feel most ashamed, and in doing so,
to drain those deep wounds, and let them begin to heal. Those wounds may be caused
by any number of things. Our executive dysfunction disorder, or our need for
absolute order and rigid routine. Our sensory or emotional ‘over-reactions’. Or
the social difficulties – our sense of isolation and rejection, how we can’t
seem to make or keep friends, or find a decent/any partner. Our difficulties
finding, keeping or simply enduring jobs. Or simply that feeling of being ‘not
normal’, of being a square peg in a round-holed world, a reject, a lemon on the
human production line. Or all of the above. And more, and more. And each time
we felt that way, it carved a deeper notch in our souls.
But with
the aid of our new contacts and friends, we start to see that what we thought for
so long were signs of our hopeless inferiority are in fact simply part of our
being autistic/aspergers. Then comes the final step - we begin to stand up for
ourselves with the rest of the world. It isn’t necessary or even possible for
all of us to be hot-shot political activists. But we can start to set limits
with the people in our lives, to explain our reactions, and why we act the way
we do, to be ‘self-advocates’, in effect. And when we do, things begin to shift
for us. We begin to breathe easier, walk taller, stand prouder. And we can only
do this too with the support of other aspies/auties, who form an essential ‘net’
to catch us when we fall, and help us back on our feet again. This is where we
save each other’s sanity. Where my sanity was saved. Community makes the essential difference. Without it, we’re
simply struggling on all alone - and we already know, all too well, how hard
and impossible that can be.
Note, I am
not making light of how difficult it can be to make changes in our selves, and
our lives. But remember this – you are all incredibly brave just to have come
this far. All of you have endured huge hurts, and survived. We continue to
daily endure an unaccepting and often hostile world, one which is not set up
for us, does not understand us, does not even like us very much, and a large
part of which would prefer we didn’t exist. Which bombards us with negative
messages, and relentlessly pressures us to be ‘normal’.
But you are
not what the world thinks you are, or tells you that you are. You are not a
failure or a reject, but an exceptional human being in your own right. You are
worthy of being treated well, of treating yourself well, and demanding, expecting, that others will do the same.
You are beautiful, and worthy of loving yourself, your true self, just as you
are. Arohanui (much love), my friends.
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