From time to
time, I’ve seen posts or links about hyper-empathy in autistics. These discuss
how, far from being totally cold and unempathetic as some ‘experts’ still
confidently proclaim, many of us are in fact in possession of too much empathy,
and, not knowing what to do with it or how to express it, end up freezing or
fleeing. Not all of us are like this of course, but from anecdotal evidence it
seems a good number are.
I believe I
am one of those hyper-empathetic auties. And before anyone goes “wow, she thinks
she’s something special”, I want to explain that it’s far being from all lovely
and roses and indigo children spiritual and so on. What in fact happens is that
I’m dragged in, and often down, by others’ feelings. I’m an ‘all or nothing’
sort of person anyway, I get over-involved, and it can, and has, many a time,
simply been too much to cope with or sort out, at least on the spot.
Sometimes
it’s not even what they feel, but
what I would feel if I were in their place. Many other times though, it is what
they are obviously feeling, I take it on board as if it were my own response,
and then I’m overcome by it, not able to detach myself from the situation,
often still processing it long after the other person has moved on.
Also add in
a measure of alexithymia, whereby I often don’t know what my own REAL feelings are, and that when I do
know, they can be, and often in the past were, all over the place anyway, but frequently
didn’t ‘show’ on the outside, and people would judge me for that, and then I’d
get more upset… The result was, well, I would (and sometimes still can) end up
something of a mess, to put it mildly.
I realised a
long time ago that I needed to do something about this ‘over-reacting’ (as others
called it), that my emotions were out of control, and I’ve worked long and hard
over the past 15-20 years to master them. Meditation, together with a quieter
lifestyle, has been key to doing this. But it’s still a fragile thing, I can
still be dragged off balance all too easily.
What this
means in practise is that I am still vulnerable to emotionally volatile people.
I can be caught up in their dramas or crises, and lose that balance. In the
worst instances, I can even take on not just their emotions but their thoughts
and opinions as well. And it can take me ages to disentangle myself and
rediscover my true feelings/thoughts/etc afterwards. My last relationship was a
prime example of that, but it can and has happened with non-romantic
connections too.
Which, as
someone with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I really can’t afford to have happen.
The stress of sleepless nights, digestive disturbances (I’m being polite here!)
and the resulting exhaustion and debilitation is simply too much of a risk.
Many years ago, I reached the stage of being almost bedridden with the CFS and
it took me years to recover. There is
NO WAY I’m risking going back to that
state again. No way. EVER.
And once I realise
what’s happening, the only real solution is to back away from such people as
fast and as far as I can, even if I lose a lot else in doing so. I have broken
ties and left behind friends. I have up and left groups, or moved house or
localities even, if need be. I have undoubtedly come across as ‘cold’ or
‘uncaring’ or ‘snobbish’ or who knows what, to others who don’t understand. But
I really don’t have a choice - not if I value my sanity or my health.
Please note
that I am not putting down or being judgemental here of people like this. I
don’t doubt others are able to keep their own calm, and deal with them just
fine. I’m just not one of them. And my first responsibility must be to myself.
That’s what CFS does for you – it makes you have to be ‘selfish’.
So if you
see me seemingly being ‘cold’, or ‘standoffish’, or ‘unemotional’, or any of
those things, know that this is not the case. I’m simply a hyper-empath with
major physical health issues, trying my damnedest to stay emotionally and
physically healthy. And I’m sure there are other autistics out there like me.
So please, don’t make assumptions about what we’re feeling or thinking. You
don’t know what’s going on underneath our ‘cold’ exteriors – or our
‘hysterical’ ones.
