I came to the
conclusion recently that I’m stupid. Actually this is not a new conclusion, but
an old one revisited. I’ve always felt ‘stupid’, and sometimes have even been
told I am. I writhed in shame at my stupidity for many years, trying
desperately to conceal it, to pretend I ‘knew what was what’, or ‘knew it all
along’, or withdrawing from interaction rather than risk revealing the depth of
my stupidity. I was so ashamed of it, embarrassed by it, angry at myself for
‘not learning’ and ‘not knowing better’, especially when ‘everyone else’ seemed
to ‘just know’ these things.
By ‘stupid’, I mean
that socially, I’ve always fumbled, blurted, made glaring errors, tripped over
my own feet or put my foot in my fat gob (metaphorically speaking), and
generally trampled all over other people’s sensitivities, like the proverbial
bull in a china shop. Even now, after all my years of watching, learning,
imitating and practising social skills, I still do these things with monotonous
regularity. It seems every situation is different, the rules keep changing, and
I can’t keep up, or there is some rule I somehow never learnt, and haven’t
needed till then, and only find this out when I transgress it. Or I forget
‘old’ rules and blunder across the invisible lines, because I’m tired,
overloaded or thinking of something else. Social interaction is full of such
traps, and often seems a business of smoke and mirrors, where you never know
what’s awaiting you.
I’ve also always been
‘stupid’ when it comes to everyday things, whether it be organising myself and
my belongings or just doing ordinary tasks that others take for granted I will
know how to do. The order or method of doing things that others, once again,
‘just knew’, never occurred to me, unless I was specifically shown it, and
shown how to do it, with what objects, in what order. So I would do household
tasks I was set, or organise my school things, for instance, in ways that
seemed okay to me, or which I was often just guessing (hoping!) were right, but
which would have others bewildered, scornful, laughing at me, or even getting
cross. These blunders happen less frequently now, but they do still happen. I’m
still stupid.
And yet at the same
time as I’m stupid, I know I’m smart. I frequently notice details others miss,
am often able to find the lost sunglasses or piece of paper quicker than
others, and can keep track of lots of little things, which makes me invaluable
in detail-orientated tasks or jobs. Which doesn’t mean I’m incapable of
grasping the ‘bigger picture’, just that I usually have to build it up from the
small things. And when I do grasp that big picture, I often do so more
thoroughly than my NT counterparts. It’s this, plus that attention to detail
and lots of studying and research (I always did waaaaay more reading than the
standard reading list) that saw me get plenty of A and even A+ grades at
university level. Academically, stupid I am not.
I also have a much
better memory than many around me, often being able to recall conversations or
events that happened months, years or even decades ago, to the astonishment of
others. I remember details they’ve forgotten, about holidays or other things
that happened when I was a child even. Mostly, it’s a visual memory too, so I
can draw or verbally describe the events, usually well enough for others to
recognise the place, time, etc, and trigger their memory.
I have a broader
general knowledge than most people, often knowing obscure facts about all sorts
of things that I’m then amazed others don’t know! Plus I have a fairly in-depth
knowledge of my special interests, and could probably pass an exam in some of
them without studying. (Just this morning, I was complimented on my
almost-encyclopaedic knowledge of one of these areas.) I can often scan new
information and grasp it fairly quickly, especially if it can be compared to
something I already know, or it’s connected to one of my special interests.
Then there’s how my
brain is constantly active, with thoughts, ideas, images, scenes, scripts and
dialogue playing themselves out inside my head, some of which end up being
written down as blog posts, articles, stories, whatever, or become images I
paint or draw. I find it almost impossible to stop thinking, probing, examining
ideas, I am constitutionally incapable of just blindly accepting any kind of
‘party line’, and resting there. I always want to go further, probe deeper,
know more. It’s a strength of mine, I believe.
I’ve also used my
intelligence to compensate as best as possible for my ‘stupidity’. Not only
have I painstakingly learnt as many social skills as I can, I’ve also taught
myself many things I started out adult life not knowing, from how to use tools
or machinery to how to do various things online. Given a little time, I can
usually figure out how to use anything new – generally by doing the
revolutionary (!!) thing of actually reading the instructions. Sometimes I’m a
little slower than others might be to learn new things or routines, especially
if it’s a new situation way outside my comfort zone or I’m feeling under
stress, but once I do grasp something I generally end up knowing it better than
others, and remembering it better too, long term.
So how can I be so
stupid, and yet so smart, at the same time?
I’m convinced both are
due to my Asperger’s/autism. Socially, I’m ignorant, still, and likely to
remain so. I’ve learnt as much as I can, but it seems I can’t improve any
further without that mysterious something, an extra sense maybe, that all NTs
seem to be born with. So I’ve decided to just accept that I’m stupid, and
always will be, in the social-interaction and executive-functioning areas. So
be it. There’s actually a certain relief in that, in no longer trying to
conceal it or deny it. Because even if I am stupid, I’m still glad to be me,
and to also have the kind of smarts that go with being Aspie/autistic, and with
simply being me. I wouldn’t be any other way.
How do other
aspies/auties feel? Have you ever been called stupid? Do you think
you’re stupid? Do you feel stupid? And yet really intelligent about many
things, all at the same time? Is this a common thing? I have a feeling that it
is, but I’m curious to know about others’ experiences.
